July 12, 2006So Sorry for Your Loss…or…
I’m guessing my co-workers are not much different from many others, in that when someone loses a family member or someone special to them dies, inevitably a co-worker sends a sympathy card around for everyone to sign. How do you tell the person who just lost someone you are sorry for their loss, without always saying “I’m sorry for your loss”? Don’t get me wrong - as I received the card for my boss’s father who has just passed away, that’s the first thing that came to my mind too. So before writing that down, I started to read what others had written. What I noticed made me go, hmm. Everyone’s comment said the very same thing, only with the words in a different order. It was a very depressing card to read.
I am absolutely not bringing religion in this question. What someone believes, or doesn’t believe, is perfectly fine with me and I’m not trying to change that. But don’t all the comments saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” or “In this time of your loss…” help feed any down and/or negative feelings? My attempt was to be more positive and encouraging; I wrote, “Build strength by daring to remember and his memories can never be lost”. What other comments do you have?
Meryl Responds
I love your comment. I have a few considerations below, but I really respect your words.
In formulating words some good questions to consider are:
1) What is in your heart to say -
2) What do you think will help to hear -
3) What do you know about loss they might benefit from hearing –
4) How might the intent be misunderstood?
The words in these cards are usually secondary to the intent. They are usually written just for the recipient to know people are thinking about them and that people care. And, of course people are volatile at times like this…so if you get “real” you run the risk of saying something that hits them wrong and can make you a target of the flood of emotion they are likely experiencing. I think most people play it safe in cards because they don’t consider an alternative and also because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But if you risk saying the wrong thing, your chances of saying the exact right thing are far greater. That’s why I support your effort in offering condolences that could be a source of true comfort and inspiration. A message that is thought-out and specifically targeted to the situation can be a great gift.
I read your comment with the question of how an Izzie might be able to miss the intent and reject the comment. I could imagine someone being offended by the suggestion that they should build strength. I love the suggestion of daring to remember because I’ve known too many people who have blocked all memories out of their minds. Still, I can imagine someone being offended by the suggestion that they might be scared to remember. I really like the “memories can never be lost” comment, and I don’t see how an Izzie could misinterpret that, but I’m sure it’s possible.
The fact that I’ve found possible ways to misread the intent doesn’t mean those aren’t the perfect words to write. It’s just consideration before you put pen to paper.
One comment you will want to avoid is:
- I know how you feel
Because no one ever really does. I often find people need permission to feel whatever they are feeling after a loss so I try to give them that. I also like to encourage people to reach out to get what they need. Here’s a phrase for that.
I’d say I know how you feel, but I don’t. I’d wave a magic wand and make everything right, but I can’t. What I can do is offer my ears to listen, my help to lighten your load and my love to remind you how much people care about you.
I wish you the same kind of support and inspiration you always grant so freely to carry you through these difficult days. Whatever you need, I hope you receive, and if it is something you think I can offer, please ask. It would be an honor to give back to someone who always gives so much.
These may be a bit too personal for a group card for a coworker…or they may not. If a comment is truly personal and heartfelt it will be inspired by the person you are writing too. It’s impossible to do that theoretically. What do you think?
I’d love to have suggestions from readers on this,
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I recently lost my father, very suddenly. The outpouring of condolences from my co workers was so uplifting. Yes, everyone does tend to repeat the same phrases, but that does not make them less meaningful. I have pulled out those sympathy cards a couple of times and it means a lot to see all those names. There are no words when a death happens, you just want them to know you care and sympathize with their pain. One coworker just gave me a huge hug in the hall and did not say a word. I would certainly continue to mention the person who passed, by name, and ask how the family/widow is doing. I am always touched when someone asks about my mom who is coping with a whole new life as a result of this event. I was also very moved by the folks that made donations in my dad’s name. Several were to a ministry that I support and this came as a delightful surprise. I think the most important thing is that you do something to acknowledge the loss. The most awkward moments have been with people who just act like nothing happened. Never underestimate the importance of this kind of event in someone’s life.
Comment by Marilynn — July 12, 2006 @ 2:52 pm
For business colleagues I’ve written: “I’m thinking of you and praying for your emotional strength and spiritual healing during this difficult time.”
Comment by Janeen McLean — July 12, 2006 @ 3:56 pm
When I know that the person does have some sort of religion, I write…
You and your loved ones are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have also written to some people with a closer relationship to me than just “coworker”…
I will not say that the pain grows less with time, from my experience, a loss can always hurt just as much as the first day when you feel you need them. However, I can say that it has hurt less often. Knowing this and that they they will always hold a special place in my heart helps me know that they are always there when I need them. In my heart. - Regina
Comment by Regina — July 12, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
How about saying something encouraging like “May you find strength and hope from all of us who are thinking of you today”
Comment by Cynthia — July 12, 2006 @ 7:22 pm
Wonderful comments! I knew I’d get great feedback on this one! Marilynn, what makes the support you received so powerful is how personal it all was. Clearly your collegues know who you are and what matters to you. What an extraordinary sharing of love. I was moved by the power of the support you received.
Thanks to everyone for sharing your wisdom.
Comment by merylrunion — July 12, 2006 @ 7:43 pm
I have often written “may it comfort you to know you are in our thoughts’ or something along that line.
What I found recently when my father-in-law passed away, is that it is not so much what people write in the cards that you notice, it is the fact that they sent them. It is indeed tremendously comforting to know people care whether they send a card, make a memorial donation or send flowers. Even a card with just their signature on it, is comforting.
What is more noticeable than what you write or say, is the “absence” of writing or saying anything.
Comment by Eveline — July 13, 2006 @ 8:04 am
Having just lost my husband in March, I agree with Eveline. I really didn’t read each card carefully enough to note the words, but it meant a lot to know each friend was thinking of me. I noticed encouraging words and I liked when someone commented on how special Larry was to them. But the rest was a blur… except the fact that friends reached out to me.
Comment by Patty Bell-Lewis — July 13, 2006 @ 9:38 am
I agree with Marilynn that the most awkward situations are with people who’ve not even acknowledged the death. I like to write for co-workers “holding you up in prayer during this difficult time” and for someone very close “Praying that God will hold you in His hands as you mourn the passing of Sue. I would consider it a privilege to assist you in any way I can, so please feel free to let me know if there is something I can do.” But something as simple as a card with the comment “thinking of you” is appropriate too. The older I get, the more “it’s the thought that counts” means to me. Yet after needing to cover my mom’s burial costs, I was really grateful to people that put money in the memorial envelopes at the funeral home. That helped more than they probably knew.
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — July 13, 2006 @ 1:48 pm
Usually, remarks on a group card are brief. I take issue with the feeling that “I know what you are going through” is inappropriate. Sometimes I do know what the person is going through. For example, my husband died very suddenly so I may be better able to console a widow in a similar situation whereas I would not be able to say that to someone who lost a child.
Comment by Anne Dryden — July 17, 2006 @ 9:58 am
I lost my mom a month ago. I received lots of cards, and some are still coming in. I agree that it’s the thought that counts more than the specific words. Each card or phone call, email I get helps me to know that I’m not alone. But the cards will stop soon, even while I’m still struggling. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, I suggest sending a follow up card after some time has passed (as things do get harder) because it’s nice to know that while everyone has moved on, someone knows that it’s still a struggle for the person grieving.
As far as what to write–the most touching words I received in cards were from people who mentioned my mom–a fun experience they had with her, or a memory. Friends wrote, “I loved your mom” or “I’ll remember her great apple pies.” Even something like “she was always cheerful” feels like they are honoring her and it felt special to me.
Even if you don’t know the deceased personally, you could say something about what you learned about him/her from your friend, like, “You always talked fondly about your beach vacations with your mom. May those memories comfort you and give you strength.” The more specific the better, just take care not to assume you know what your friend feels or what they got from their relationship with the deceased.
Comment by Jenn — July 20, 2006 @ 9:46 am
I agree that if I knew the person I would always quote a particular memory about them, however small - it makes it personal and I know from experience how meaningful that can be. I would never presume to know how someone feels since no two losses are the same, and I would try to use positive words instead of negative. So, instead of saying: “memories can never be lost” I would prefer to phrase it like this instead: “I’m sure you have many fond memories that will keep your (whoever) alive”.
Comment by Marilyn Keats — July 8, 2008 @ 1:45 pm
Great suggestion, Jenn, about checking in after some time has passed. We get a flood of sympathy when we’re numb - and forgotten sometimes once the shock has worn off.
Comment by merylrunion — July 15, 2008 @ 11:05 am
The phrase I usually write to co-workers is, “Please accept my warmest wishes and deepest sympathies.”
Comment by Mary Bolles — July 16, 2008 @ 5:51 am