Sharing confused with dumping: When someone dumps their personal issues on you in the guise of authenticity and openness. The “sharing” part really means they enjoy being a victim and don’t want to consider solutions.

Opinion confused with fact: When someone states their opinion unequivocally. As far as they are concerned, simply using the voice of authority makes it a fact.

Backstabbing confused with informing: This person is sure they are keeping you “up to date” when they tell you exactly what someone else said when they bad-mouthed you. “I just thought you should know that she said you are irresponsible and self-opinionated.” Quite often it is their own criticism disguised as someone else’s - why else would they be repeating it?

This subject leaves me with two questions:
How does one deal constructively with Counterfeit Communication?

Could a similar list be started for - er - Classy Communication? (Classy as in elegant, smart, superior …)

Irony is appropriate if there is high trust and low sensitivites on the issue. I tease my husband about his lack of spontaneity and he teases me about my lack of structure. However then minute one of us became sensitive the conversation would change, because we truly do not want to hurt each other.

It may be that your brother-in-law could say the exact same thing to someone else and it would be received as humor. That still doesn’t mean you are wrong to take issue with his words. I always wonder why anyone would insist on making a “joke” that someone else fund hurtful. My conclusion is either they are insensitive, I have not been clear enough on the impact or they have an issue with me that we need to address directly. I used to live with sarcasm, but I no longer do. I have eliminated sarcasm from my life by setting clear boundaries about its use. I appreciate your contribution and your awareness of the Counterfeit Communication in your life.

Thanks for contributing!!

I have been told throughout my life that I tend to be “too sensitive”–that I don’t know how to “take” teasing. My outlook is that most teasing is thought to be funny because the person it is said about “resembles” the issues about which they are teased. In particular, I find myself always “rubbed the wrong way” by my brother-in-law who fits the above counterfeit communication–and I am trying to see if instead I have been hearing “Congruent Communication” as counterfeit all these years…..but I am sure I have not. This was brought out to me earlier this week by the “Thought for the Day” displayed in my daily calendar, which said, “True humor is fun–it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together. –Hugh Prather” Bottom line….if you want to “tease” someone….make sure it is not a put down!!