July 18, 2006Counterfeit Communication
“Steve” didn’t understand how a client could be so nice and he could still feel like he was getting a rotten deal. Mark explained that while Steve’s client was very polite, he was not nice. Mark Sanborn tells more of the difference in his June edition of Leadership Lessons. http://www.marksanborn.com/store/Leadership_Lessons_06-29-06.asp
This kind of confusion is all too common. You think one thing is going on, but in fact another is. It leaves you befuddled and it causes the message to be unclear. Disguising exploitation with politeness is an example of what I call Counterfeit Communication. Counterfeit Communication is a conversation or phrase that seems to have one purpose, but in fact has another. Read on to see some different types of counterfeit communication that may be familiar to you.
Neediness confused with love: Your suitor proclaims their love, so why do you feel so stifled?
Sarcasm confused with humor: The speaker says they’re joking but you feel the knife go in.
Disclosure confused with openness: Your potential vendor seems so open about their weaknesses as well as their strengths that it doesn’t occur to you that they are hiding some very salient information.
Bravado confused with strength: Your friend sounds so tough, but underneath you know there is a wall of fear.
Put-downs confused with sharing: Your partner “opens up’” telling you how they feel, but it feels more like a critic’s committee.
Shaming confused with guidance: You know you blew it so you don’t need your nose rubbed in it. But your boss seems intent on reminding you. She calls it guidance, but rather than guided, you feel shamed.
Pity confused with empathy: Your neighbor seems sympathetic to your loss, but somehow his concern leaves you feeling like you’re a pathetic loser.
Drama confused with passion: The conflict gets so intense that it feels so good when you kiss and make up and the severe pain you felt gives way to euphoria. But was anything really resolved? Is your relationship passionate? Or is it high drama?
The opposite is also true. A defensive ear can hear an innocent or responsible remark as sinister. Read on to see if you’ve heard some of the following Congruent Communications as counterfeit.
Consequences confused with threats: Your coworker tells you if you can’t resolve your issue she will bring it to your supervisor. You feel threatened, but she is really telling you of consequences so you can make an informed decision of how to handle the situation.
Accountability confused with blame: Your boss is trying to track down the misunderstanding, but as he reviews your emails back and forth; your defensive ear thinks he is trying to pin the mix-up on you.
Feedback confused with attack: Your coworker thinks you need to know that your fidgeting during a presentation was distracting and she tells you as graciously as she can, but you feel attacked personally.
Suggestions confused with criticism: Your partner suggests you wear the blue socks with your suit, and you hear it as criticism of your taste.
Guidance confused with control: You generously explain the system you’ve taken years to create for organizing your callbacks, but your struggling coworker rejects it all. He hears it as an attempt to control him.
What do you think? Do you like this line of thinking? What other kinds of Counterfeit Communication have you noticed masquerading as Speaking Strong? I’d love your input and examples on this as I continue to develop the theme. And this week, be aware of hidden agendas and speak to the genuine issues.
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On the second “Counterfeit Communication” — Sarcasm confused with humor: The speaker says they’re joking but you feel the knife go in.
I have been told throughout my life that I tend to be “too sensitive”–that I don’t know how to “take” teasing. My outlook is that most teasing is thought to be funny because the person it is said about “resembles” the issues about which they are teased. In particular, I find myself always “rubbed the wrong way” by my brother-in-law who fits the above counterfeit communication–and I am trying to see if instead I have been hearing “Congruent Communication” as counterfeit all these years…..but I am sure I have not. This was brought out to me earlier this week by the “Thought for the Day” displayed in my daily calendar, which said, “True humor is fun–it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together. –Hugh Prather” Bottom line….if you want to “tease” someone….make sure it is not a put down!!
Comment by Ellen Wright — July 19, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
Sarcasm is an ironic remark with the intent to wound. Irony is not in and of itself hurtful, but the intent to wound is what makes irony sarcasm.
Irony is appropriate if there is high trust and low sensitivites on the issue. I tease my husband about his lack of spontaneity and he teases me about my lack of structure. However then minute one of us became sensitive the conversation would change, because we truly do not want to hurt each other.
It may be that your brother-in-law could say the exact same thing to someone else and it would be received as humor. That still doesn’t mean you are wrong to take issue with his words. I always wonder why anyone would insist on making a “joke” that someone else fund hurtful. My conclusion is either they are insensitive, I have not been clear enough on the impact or they have an issue with me that we need to address directly. I used to live with sarcasm, but I no longer do. I have eliminated sarcasm from my life by setting clear boundaries about its use. I appreciate your contribution and your awareness of the Counterfeit Communication in your life.
Thanks for contributing!!
Comment by merylrunion — July 19, 2006 @ 4:54 pm
The list of Counterfeit Communications is a brilliant idea for identifying the hidden agenda! I love it! Even the title says a great deal. I have three to add, in increasing order of communication catastrophes:
Sharing confused with dumping: When someone dumps their personal issues on you in the guise of authenticity and openness. The “sharing” part really means they enjoy being a victim and don’t want to consider solutions.
Opinion confused with fact: When someone states their opinion unequivocally. As far as they are concerned, simply using the voice of authority makes it a fact.
Backstabbing confused with informing: This person is sure they are keeping you “up to date” when they tell you exactly what someone else said when they bad-mouthed you. “I just thought you should know that she said you are irresponsible and self-opinionated.” Quite often it is their own criticism disguised as someone else’s - why else would they be repeating it?
This subject leaves me with two questions:
How does one deal constructively with Counterfeit Communication?
Could a similar list be started for - er - Classy Communication? (Classy as in elegant, smart, superior …)
Comment by Sheilah Bockett — July 19, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
I too was very interested by Meryl’s “Counterfeit Communication” list, and recognised most of them! The two that most struck me at this particular moment in my life were the Neediness confused with love and the Disclosure confused with openness. I was very recently persuaded to overcome my instincts and enter a relationship with a man highly expert in the above two counterfeit communications. The latter only just became clear to me… he was very good at proclaiming himself, but only later did I discover the extent of the deceit hiding behind the pretence of openness and the self-proclamation of integrity. I guess another counterfeit communication is confusing words with reality, as in the self-descriptions some people indulge in that, if we are not careful, we get confused into thinking are truth because they say so!
Comment by Marilyn Keats — July 20, 2006 @ 2:50 am