July 18, 2006Get Over It
My boss consistently uses the excuse of “that’s just the way I am” as an excuse for his behavior or language. He blames his hair-trigger temper on his childhood, his exaggerated frustration response to issues with his father, etc. In almost every other way, he is the perfect boss: intelligent, generous, humorous and honest. I love my job, but I just wasn’t handling my reaction to his temper.
A few weeks ago, I interrupted yet another tirade by saying that there comes a time when everyone must make a conscious decision to leave behind the baggage of their childhood, and move forward with their life.
He was struck dumb. He came back to me a few days later and apologized. He said that he had never thought much about how his behavior affected other people. Everyone had been excusing him and his behavior for over 60 years. I used to cower in the face of his wrath. Now I see it for what it is–a childish temper tantrum. And I am no longer afraid.
Meryl gave me the words to speak my thoughts. My fear and anger evaporated. I felt powerful.
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I agree wholeheartedly with making a decision about childhood issues, as an adult, and moving forward. Yet when I hear (as the title states) “get over it” I tend to bristle at the words. As a survivor of multiple types of abuse, I can tell you first hand that changes in my behavior do not happen overnight. Recovery is a process which is taking me the rest of my life, one day at a time.
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — July 20, 2006 @ 1:12 pm
Thanks Cindy, for pointing this out. I know that healing takes as long as it takes, and I also know that there are people who hold on to their wounds for the payoff and mileage they get. There are some who are habitual in holding on to hurt. It’s always a challenge for me to decide if I am supporting or enabling someone who seems to me to be hanging on when they could let go and step into forgiveness and full power. Clearly this success story is writen by someone who knew when it was time for a swift kick to move someone forward. My reader Sheilah and I have had discussions about this because her concern is about people who are “kicked out of the nest without being taught how to fly.” Of course bird parents teach flying first and kick their babies out of the nest second. It’s a good principle to follow. Thanks for your comment!
meryl
Comment by merylrunion — July 26, 2006 @ 10:04 am
Whether that phrase is a power phrase or a poison phrase depends on how it is said. Said with compassion, and not exactly those words, it can be a power phrase that nudges people to move on. If concrete assistance or suggestions in moving on are offered as well, it is even healing. Said scornfully, without empathy, it says “What you have suffered is meaningless. Big deal.” It also suggests that you are meaningless as well unless you are performing. Most often I have heard this phrase said with scorn, which makes me hate the phrase.
Comment by Sharon Campbell — July 26, 2006 @ 4:43 pm
When I hear the statement that is the way I am, I get upset with the people using it. I believe that change is the only constant in life and if your not moving forward you are going backwards. To many times the excuses of “that’s the way I am” is the individuals way out of growing and dealing with issues. I find that the change neccesary for these people is to hard and they still hurt from it. Running away is not the answer to anything and the excuses are never enough. My life has been issues of abuse and that the only way to deal is to face it head on. I admit it isn’t easy and does take time, but it’s definitly worth it.
Comment by Dave — October 25, 2007 @ 11:52 am