August 30, 2006If at First You Don’t Succeed, Post on YouTube
What do you do if you work for a company that holds a government contract for Coast Guard patrol boats, you know there are alarming defects and dangerous security flaws, but your attempts to alert your company all the way to the CEO and the Board of Directors result in private affirmations and public denials? What if you talk to your representative and attempt to warn the client but no one listens?
If you are Michael De Kort, what you do is sit down at your kitchen table and make a video that you post on YouTube.
YouTube is a social Web site that allows users to upload, view, and share video clips. Common types of clips posted are clips from films and television programs, music videos, and homemade videos. This is the first time a whistleblower has been known to use this outlet.
Anyone can post on YouTube, and of course the accused are innocent until proven guilty (with the apparent exception of John Mark Karr, JonBenet Ramsey’s once-suspected killer.) However, it things are as this video represents them, Michael De Kort is a courageous man who risked his own well-being to speak out about a situation that puts the security of others at risk.
De Kort had some company in speaking out recently. Martha Mendoza wrote an article about over 100 women who were preyed upon by their recruiters. Mendoza applauded the women who came forward to do something about it. She said, “ They mostly live in small communities, where if this plays in their local paper, even if their name is not included, it’s tough to protect their anonymity.” She said, “They are preventing it from happening to someone else.”
That’s why SpeakingStrong is so important.
August 30, 2006We Are Misreading Each Other
The more Georgia and Rob talked, the more discord there was. Georgia changed the tone by saying,
- It seems to me we are both misreading each other. I’d like to back this conversation up to the beginning and ask questions to make sure I am understanding you correctly. Does that make sense?
Rob thought it was a great idea and they backtracked, working together to understand what they were both saying.
August 30, 2006You Said that Already
Joan expressed her idea a second time because no one responded to her when she said it the first time. Roger replied by telling her,
- You said that already.
Repeating the same thing can be irritating, but consider if perhaps people do it because they did not get a response the first time. Before you belittle someone for repeating themselves, ask if you did not respond appropriately the first time.
August 30, 2006An Overloaded Attorney
A firm/lawyer I retained to represent me in a “wrongful dismissal” case almost 3 yrs ago, in my opinion, has not handled my case with due diligence. My case has not been given precedence and every time I discuss my case with my lawyer he tends to veer in another direction, i.e. how busy he has been in court on other matters, personal reasons such as illness or his case load! How do I impress upon him and/or his firm that my concern is my case and not all the others he is working on? What wording do I use? It has been a frustrating and stressful time and I really just want everything resolved and over with.
Meryl Responds
The things to include are:
Facts – here’s what happened
Impact – how it affects you, causes you to think and feel
Expectation – what you are asking for
Consequences – what recourse you are considering.
Here’s a possible script:
- I am unhappy with the lack of progress in what seems to me to be a reasonable amount of time. Instead of reassuring me, your mention of your heavy case load causes me to question if you have the time to give my case the attention it deserves and it leaves me feeling unimportant. I’m not interested in your personal situations or the other clients you serve. I am interested in your obligations to me. In order to continue I want commitments of what I can expect from you by when. If you are unable to offer and honor reasonable concrete commitments I will….(whatever your options are.)
August 30, 2006Speaking Strong with Grandpa
I must tell you that I was quite surprised that I opened my mouth and spoke strong to my Grandmother’s husband this weekend. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who, like any other 3 years old, loves candy. My Grandmother and her husband do not see my daughter and me as often as they would like. They visited us last weekend and shortly after they arrived my Grandmother’s husband was telling my daughter to put her hand down his pocket to retrieve a piece of candy. I immediately got the willies, but did nothing about it at that time. I was very upset at myself for saying nothing. The next day I figured the same incident would occur and I was ready this time. I talked to my daughter about it before hand and told her that she should not go into his pocket if he asks again. When he did it this time, my daughter looked up at me to make sure it was ok, then I shook my head “NO” which he saw. He asked me why I shook my head no to my daughter and I told him,
- That is inappropriate, I would rather you hand her the candy.
We talked more about it later because he didn’t understand why I had a problem, he meant no harm. I told him the next person that tells my daughter to put her hand down his pants pocket may not have pockets. Then he understood. I was really protecting my daughter from the chance something similar may happen when I am not around. I felt so good about standing up for what I knew was the right thing.
August 30, 2006Speaking Strong with Grandpa
I must tell you that I was quite surprised that I opened my mouth and spoke strong to my Grandmother’s husband this weekend. I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who, like any other 3 years old, loves candy. My Grandmother and her husband do not see my daughter and me as often as they would like. They visited us last weekend and shortly after they arrived my Grandmother’s husband was telling my daughter to put her hand down his pocket to retrieve a piece of candy. I immediately got the willies, but did nothing about it at that time. I was very upset at myself for saying nothing. The next day I figured the same incident would occur and I was ready this time. I talked to my daughter about it before hand and told her that she should not go into his pocket if he asks again. When he did it this time, my daughter looked up at me to make sure it was ok, then I shook my head “NO” which he saw. He asked me why I shook my head no to my daughter and I told him,
- That is inappropriate, I would rather you hand her the candy.
We talked more about it later because he didn’t understand why I had a problem, he meant no harm. I told him the next person that tells my daughter to put her hand down his pants pocket may not have pockets. Then he understood. I was really protecting my daughter from the chance something similar may happen when I am not around. I felt so good about standing up for what I knew was the right thing.
August 30, 2006What Are Your Poison Phrase Pet Peeves?
What are your least favorite phrases? Here are some examples:
- “I’ll be honest with you”?
- “Whatever”
- “So”?
- “And your point is?”
Share your pet peeve phrases with me, and next week we will vote to determine the Poison Phrase we most love to hate. Email me or post your pet Poison Phrase peeve on my blog.
August 23, 2006And You Think It’s Risky for You to Speak Out
For the first time this week, Joe Darby spoke publicly of the perils he faced as a result of reporting prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib to the Army Criminal Investigation Division.
I didn’t learn of this from mainstream media, which is currently preoccupied with JonBenet Ramsey’s accused murderer down to chronicling what the man ate on arrival in Boulder. I learned of this from a friend who forwarded an article about it, telling me it could be a great topic for my newsletter, although she wasn’t sure if I wanted to handle such a hot potato.
I don’t seek out hot potatoes, but I could hardly maintain the platform I do if I ran from them.
Darby slept with a loaded revolver under his pillow because he feared retribution for being the messenger of an unpopular truth.
90% of the soldiers he spoke with said he did the right thing by speaking out. In his hometown, 90% of his community opposed what he had done. Threats to his wife and mother and fear for his own life forced him to move. But Darby remains steadfast in his decision. He said he would do it again because it was the right thing to do, and it needed to be done.
Whether personal, professional or political, the measure of appropriateness of speaking up is not popular opinion. Those who depend on a cover of silence will not give up lightly when someone blows that cover. Whether it’s asking your partner to pull their weight or telling the boss their friend is skimming the till or exposing institutional corruption, the price of speaking out can be enormous.
My Risky Conversation survey determined that 50% who spoke up about issues experienced negative backlash. I wish I had asked if, like Joe Darby, they would do it again anyway.
I tell you about Joe Darby because he is a man who Spoke Strong. By handling this hot potato I risk being a target of criticism and verbal abuse, but I won’t have to sleep with a loaded gun under my pillow. People like Joe Darby put the minor risks we all take for speaking out in their proper perspective. Speaking out does not come with guarantees…except the guarantee that you will be at peace with your own conscience.
August 23, 2006I Understand You Don’t Agree with My Objections
Crystal was upset because she couldn’t get her coworker to understand why she wasn’t willing to cover up his late arrivals with the boss. She felt better when her coach (me) said,
- He doesn’t need to understand. He just needs to know what you are and aren’t willing to do.
Crystal had been distressed because she thought she needed to convince him he was asking her to do something unethical. She let that go and stopped trying to control what her coworker thought and simply affirmed her unwillingness. She told him,
- I understand you don’t agree with my objections. However, I’m not comfortable doing this and would appreciate your not pushing me on the matter.
Crystal was able to speak authoritatively because she realized his opinion held no authority over her decisions.
August 23, 2006Bad Luck
After years of living beyond their means, I wasn’t surprised to hear that my old friends lost their farm to foreclosure. I was surprised with the stated reason. They told people they had fallen on
- Bad luck.
People do experience bad luck sometimes, but that’s not what my friend’s loss was about. It was about a series of choices they made over several years. I was sad to hear about the foreclosure, but even sadder to hear about the explanations they gave. If they pin what happened on luck, they will be unlikely to change the choices they made.
