August 2, 2006Hold the Hugs
I am in need of a ‘pat’ statement, and am having a difficult time coming up with one. I am confident you can help me.
At the end of 12 step group meetings, it has become common practice to hug the other members before departing. Because of issues relating to childhood molestation, I’m in the process of creating a safe environment for myself today. I feel comfortable hugging some people, but not everyone. I’ve tried keeping a safe distance, yet some come towards me with open arms, and I just freeze – I’m 5 years old again with no power.
Can you help with a power phrase that I can say quickly before I’m in the grip of someone I would rather not hug?
Meryl Responds
This is one that the readers might be a great resource for. My thoughts are that at a 12 Step Program people are far more aware of those sensitivities than elsewhere and can understand a direct statement. I’d print up a button that says,
Ask first… Hug second. Thanks for your support
Or;
Heart hugs freely given. Physical hugs by consent. Thanks for asking first.
Or
Help me feel safe. Ask before you hug. Bless you.
Some such thing. You can print it out on the computer and get a button kit at the hobby store. That way people get the message before they start the process. When they ask you can respond with the form of greeting that feels right for you.
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This one is a toughie. You ask for a “pat” phrase. I wonder how a pat phrase would work in this situation. If you are comfortable hugging some, and uncomfortable hugging others (as is your right), I wonder how would it feel to watch you allow a hug from the person in front of me, but give me a pat phrase.
I think a confidential word to the group leader about hugging/physical contact is in order. Perhaps a group discussion of boundaries would be helpful. It might include guidance about post-meeting contact along the lines of “Some people enjoy hugs, some are more comfortable with a warm handshake. Please respect their wishes. If I am uncomfortable hugging, I lead with a smile and my hand extended.
Comment by Cindy Mueller — August 2, 2006 @ 4:23 pm
A vocabulary of power doesn’t necessarily need to be verbal. And non-verbal language can be proactive rather than reactive - i.e. it can preempt the situation you want to avoid.
You could forestall the open arms with an alternative you can cope with: for example, smile and extend your right hand as you move toward the person (looking at their face, not their hands.) Then as you shake hands, you could make it more informal by putting your left on top of their - a sort of “scaled down hug.” And making a friendly comment at the same time - such as “What a beautiful red your scarf is!” can serve the same purpose as a hug. I have also found that questions (about the origin of a broach or pendant for example ) can refocus attention.
Comment by Sheilah Bockett — August 2, 2006 @ 4:50 pm
I am a very short woman (under 5ft) and I raise my hand (stop). No more will I suffer being hugged into another woman’s cleavage or have my neck nearly snapped by a tall man. I used to joke … keep your ATM distance, I’m a WASP, etc., but now I am very comfortable asserting myself over this issue. Lots of people have an aversion to touching … germs, pain, handicaps, so this shouldn’t be a big surprise to anyone. The Catholic Church tried the hugging thing, but had to back down to shaking hands. People stayed away! So that’s a lot of company!
Comment by Susan — August 2, 2006 @ 11:25 pm
A 12 step program offers many opportunities to verbalize your feelings. this is one of the opportunities. Many individuals may feel the same intimidation or exposure as yourself when it comes to physical contact. Speak up durring your discussion group. Explain that sometimes, even some days more than others, you are intimidated by close contact such as hugs and the reason why is you are once again that vunerable 5 year old. Ask others to express their feelings. Choose a meeting to express this when there are several inidivuals present who intimidate you so they get the message. You may be helping more than just yourself. Then at hug time begin the process of just shaking hands. But equitably! Everyone gets a hand shake, so as not to uintentionally bruise someone’s feelings (who may desperately need aceptance) by treating them any different that anyone else.
Comment by Cynthia — August 3, 2006 @ 6:32 am
I’m very grateful for the responses that have been posted. Thank you so much ladies. I will be chairing a meeting soon, and my topic will be “boundaries.”
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — August 3, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
Great question, with many good answers.
One of the ladies for whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration, and who is is a wonderful contributor to the 12 step meetings and organization that I regularly attend; asked me one day to not give her such big hugs, as she was uncomfortable with them.
I adjusted my hugs for her to light and free, with plenty of physical space in warning and room to turn a cheek or to escape completely without awkwardness. I respected her candor, and am grateful that she did not just turn a cold shoulder and avoid me without explaining how she felt.
Many of the ladies that know me in my program amiably fuss at me if they do not get a great big affectionate hug every time they see me.
We have a great many similarities, and a few individual differences. Our understanding of each other is enhanced by our common problem(s). The texture of our relationships is richened and deepened by respecting our differences.
Comment by Bob Hall — August 9, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
I chaired the meeting last week on Boundaries. I was able to speak about how difficult it can be for me to hug at times. I was the last one to speak, and there was a real difference after our closing prayer. Some people told me “I am so grateful you spoke up, I have the same issue and have been too afraid to speak about it,” others told me “Thanks for sharing what was in your gut with us, we’re privileged to know you trust us at that level,” and one or two avoided me completely. I’m grateful for your affirming responses. I will not be overly concerned with people’s reactions. This is one more step in taking care of myself. Thank you again.
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — August 10, 2006 @ 10:11 am
Cindy, this sounds like an I Said It Strong Award story to me Congrats!
Comment by merylrunion — August 11, 2006 @ 7:37 am
It felt good to Say It Strong out loud, didn’t it? You can’t please all of the people all of the time, but you can”To thine own self be true”
Good for you,
Namaste
Comment by Bob Hall — August 16, 2006 @ 5:27 pm