August 2, 2006Who Goes First? Courage in the Face of Complicity
The news media made much this week of reports of ‘N Sync’s Lance Bass’s revelation of “forbidden love” and Mel Gibson’s revelation of “forbidden hate.” But what caught my attention was an interview of four minority Capitol Hill police officers about allegations of racism on Capitol Hill.
The officer’s identities are disguised in the interview. Clearly the officers are afraid to speak up openly. Listening to the interview, I flashed back on a DVD I recently watched called North Country, based on the book Class Action and Lois Jenson’s landmark sexual harassment case.
Imagine experiencing insufferable harassment and being told by your fellow victims, family and neighbors not to stir things up. Imagine facing a herd mentality of ridicule and worse at your attempts to tell the truth. Imagine having your character defamed and the intimate details of your life exploited in an attempt to discredit you for telling an unpopular truth.
Now, imagine being a man who worked at that mine who did not approve of or engage in harassment, but who knew that he too could become a target if he affirmed the plaintiff’s claims.
Lois Jenson’s tale is as much a tale of complicity as it is a tale of harassment. For every miner who harassed her and her colleagues, there were 50 who knew what was going on and did not speak up.
The interview of Capitol Hill officers is also a tale of complicity. For every person who targets minorities, there almost certainly are 50 who don’t, but who know what is going on and do not speak up. It’s amazing how much power bullies can wield when those whom they target and those who know stay silent.
Lois Jenson found out what happens when you are the first to speak up. Hers was an eleven year, debilitating struggle. There are hundreds of thousands of women who owe her a debt of gratitude for going first.
I wonder who on Capitol Hill will do the same for minorities in the Capitol Hill Police.
Where are you helping to perpetuate bullying by staying silent? It’s not easy to be the one who goes first when there is a truth someone doesn’t want you to tell. But someone has to.
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I know all too well the price of speaking up and standing up for the powerless. I have been “exiled” by my two children and my ex-husband (their father) for six years now because I dared to speak up for my grandson (my daughter’s son) who was being abused. The abuse started when he was 10 months old (6 years ago). Authorities stepped in when he was 13 months old. He was taken away from my daughter by the DFS on two separate occasions between the ages of 13 months and 30 months. While I was not the one who contacted authorities (both instances were reported by pediatricians), I was instrumental in proving the abuse, which is why I have been exiled I believe. I had video taped my visits with my grandson over a month long period. When the authorities stepped in, I was asked for the video as evidence. Because it provided proof of the abuse, my handing it over was considered a deplorable act of hatred by my children (an attitude I believe was created, encouraged and continues to be reinforced by their father). My heart aches for the love of my children and grandson and for my grandson’s well being, but I know I did the right thing. Even though being “thrown away as filthy garbage” is more painful than I could ever imagine, it would have been even worse had I chosen not to stand strong and then had to live with something even more tragic. It’s easier to bear suffering for doing right than suffering for doing wrong. I pray for each of them every day and am so thankful for the faith I’ve been given that keeps me strong. I know my exile is a way for them to put off facing the truth and owning responsibility for their actions.
I agree with your statement, Meryl, in your August 9th news letter, saying “it’s the lies and silence people can’t handle”. I too will take a difficult truth rather than an easy lie any day. I miss my kids and grandson more than words can tell, but I know I couldn’t live with myself had I chosen not to stand strong against the abuse. Silence is the only thing that allows abuse to flourish. I pray every day that, since I am no longer allowed to be in the picture, someone else will choose to be strong and speak up for my grandson if the abuse is still taking place. And I humbly ask for other’s prayers, not only for my grandson, but for all those made to endure the pain of abuse.
Comment by Brenda — August 11, 2006 @ 8:07 am
Wow. My guess is that speaking up had to be one of the hardest things you ever did. And most courageous.
Situations do evolve…while you are the scape goat at the moment, there is no way to know how things might change so that you just might get the credit you deserve. Or you might not. But it’s clear that you know in your heart you did the truely loving thing. I applaud your courage.
Comment by merylrunion — August 11, 2006 @ 4:50 pm
Thank you. And thank you for your newsletter. I look forward each week to the new editions. Many times the messages have given me strength to continue standing. On several occasions I’ve shared your messages with our Culture Committee at work. We CAN make a difference.
Comment by Brenda — August 14, 2006 @ 2:53 pm
Brenda, you sound like a person with a lot of love to give. While you are waiting for validation that may never come, why don’t you check into becoming involved in the lives of young people around you in your community. My own life was greatly enriched by my beloved “adopted grandmas” who shared their love and wisdom with me. There are many young families who are far from their own parents and grandparents who would love to have the gifts you have to give.
Comment by Sharon Campbell — August 16, 2006 @ 1:39 pm
Sharon,
Thank you so much for your comment! In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, and it’s such a great comfort and encouragement to hear how much it means to someone who has experienced an “adopted grandmas” love! I know how it feels on my end, I’ve been blessed with many adopted grandkids and have loved every minute of them! But your sharing gave me insight into what it feels like on the other end.
THANK YOU !!!
Comment by Brenda — August 23, 2006 @ 1:54 pm