August 9, 2006Coffee, Tea, but Not Me

Filed under: Ask Meryl by merylrunion |

I’m an actress/waitress and one night certain close friends of the owner sat in my section. One of them made a number of really inappropriate sexual remarks to me while I was at the table serving them. Because one, I was working for a good tip, and two, I’m pretty easygoing, I just brushed it off thinking, well, he’s drunk and it doesn’t really matter, so I’ll just let it slide. He gave me his number with the check and I said nothing. Then, when I went to the nightclub section of the restaurant, he saw me and grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder. I just told him “Put me down, now” in a firm, yet friendly voice. He put me down, but I was completely thrown by this situation - I made no mention to this particular patron of being uncomfortable with the remarks he was making, nor did I do anything about it at the time when he was at the table, but looking back on it, I don’t think I handled it particularly well. Because there is an obvious power difference between this patron and myself, how can I handle this kind of situation when it comes up in the future? I’ve been told that getting hit on by patrons as a waitress kind of comes with the territory and I think that’s pretty on point, but I do want to be treated with respect - or at least never thrown over the shoulder of a customer again. Any ideas on ways to handle this better than I did?

Meryl Responds

While you will want to get clear more quickly in the future, based on what you write, I don’t think there is reason for you to hold yourself responsible or wonder if you led this man on.

How much of a power difference there is between you and your patrons depends on how much support your employers grant you. If they believe, as I hope they do, that you should not have to tolerate any inappropriate statements, you have the power of management, which is a greater power than the patrons have. It would be good to get clear about what they think is acceptable and what is not. That way you could appeal to a higher power such as,

It’s policy here to not allow that kind of remark to the wait staff.

It’s been a while since I have had to ward off unwanted attentions, so my readers might be a better source of specific phrases. Some thoughts,

I’ll overlook that remark this once.
I’m a professional here, and I expect to be treated as one.
I must have heard you wrong…I thought you just made an inappropriate remark.
That remark was inappropriate. Let’s talk about how I can best serve your dinner.

Let’s see what the readers have to offer.

Email This Post

Related posts which may interest you

6 Comments »

When the customer is with friends or associates, you’re risking dealing not only with words and behavior but also with the ego behind them. Some men “flirt” more to impress their friends than to connect with the waitress.
I’d suggest carrying a pad of paper. If a man attempts anything inappropriate, write a note: “That’s entirely inappropriate. If you do anything like that again, I’ll have to embarrass you in front of your companions.” Hand it to him with an expression that shows you’re serious.
His reaction should indicate whether you can expect any more trouble. If he reads it and keeps the message to himself, he should not be a problem. If he shares the message with the others and jokes about it, then you’re probably going to be facing more of the same.
Whatever his reaction to your message, it serves as fair warning. You do not need to worry about embarrassing him if he tries anything inappropriate again. You should feel free then to use any of the comments that Meryl suggested.

Comment by Robert Magnan — August 9, 2006 @ 4:22 pm
The one common thing that everyone looks for is ‘respect’. Respect is the foundation for all other positive feelings/emotions. So, keeping this in mind, one way to tackle the situation could be by saying simply “If you want to be treated with respect, you’ll have to treat me with respect.”

Never let anyone undermine your self worth.

Comment by Heidi — August 9, 2006 @ 11:22 pm
I would say something like, “Your tone/comment makes me uncomfortable — let’s focus on your order”… and then perhaps reset the conversation back to taking orders. But, do so with pointed questions, such as, “…so you wanted the steak… would you like the mango sauce?”

I would be careful, though, about asking questions that jerks like this could “play” with the words. For example, if you’re dealing with how he would like his steak “done” (which may leave him open to make more nasty remarks), perhaps reword that and ask it a different way, such as “… our steaks are generally served medium; would you like your steak prepared differently?”

Then, if he persists, I would speak to the owner / manager. While I understand you’re working for tips, and these people were associates of the owner, I don’t think the entire responsibility should rest on your shoulders alone.

Good luck. I’d love to hear how this works out!

Judy

Comment by Judy — August 10, 2006 @ 5:13 am
I like all of the suggestions submitted so far. A couple more thoughts: I find a very useful answer to an inappropriate remark (delivered with a somewhat chilly expression, one eyebrow raised, and an icy tone): “I’m sure you don’t mean that the way it sounded.” This needs to be delivered with the tone dropping at the end, like a statement–which it is.

Heidi is right about the “mutual respect” concept. Judy is on the money about how to ask questions regarding the order–although I don’t think you should wait before speaking with the owner/manager. In this particular situation, I would speak with the owner/manager now–not in an accusatory manner, but simply to give the facts and ask for support. And I love Robert’s idea of the notepad. In fact, I have used this myself in my office. We have a lobby where clients gather, and occasionally there can be inappropriate conversation between employees in the same area. It can be simpler in the office, though: just the word “Client!” seems to work.

Comment by Kelly Graham — August 10, 2006 @ 8:17 am
So many great suggestions! I’m grateful I didn’t have to take this one on on my own.

Robert, great idea about the pad. Heidi, your point is well taken, respect is a two way street. Judy, great point about how to redirect the conversation once the point has been made.

Kelly, your PowerPhrase, “I’m sure you don’t mean that the way it sounded” is excellent and useful in many ways. I’m teaching my Izzie that one, because it communicates inappropriateness while giving the benefit of the doubt. I see it as being likely to moving all kinds of conversations in the best possible direction.

Thanks so much for the input.
Meryl

Comment by merylrunion — August 10, 2006 @ 9:10 am
I waitressed in my family’s restaurant from the time I was 13 through 19. I remember thinking that waitressing was a lot like prostitution because you are nice to people for money; but prostitutes had a better deal because they negotiated the money up front, so they knew how nice they had to be!

Remember that this was my very naive teenaged-idea of what prostitution was!

I used to deflect inappropriate comments by responding, “Hmmmm, I don’t know. Let me go ask my Dad.” And then I’d head off in the direction of the bar (where he was serving customers).

I agree that you should speak with the owner/manager. If this “friend” treats you with such disrespect, he may be treating others the same way. It can be easy for people in service-type jobs to become calloused to disrespectful treatment and just allow it to continue. I believe you may be helping others by opening a dialogue.

Comment by Cindy Mueller — August 30, 2006 @ 5:17 pm