Comments on: Coffee, Tea, but Not Me

By: Cindy Mueller

Cindy Mueller — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 23:17:20 +0000

I waitressed in my family’s restaurant from the time I was 13 through 19. I remember thinking that waitressing was a lot like prostitution because you are nice to people for money; but prostitutes had a better deal because they negotiated the money up front, so they knew how nice they had to be!

Remember that this was my very naive teenaged-idea of what prostitution was!

I used to deflect inappropriate comments by responding, “Hmmmm, I don’t know. Let me go ask my Dad.” And then I’d head off in the direction of the bar (where he was serving customers).

I agree that you should speak with the owner/manager. If this “friend” treats you with such disrespect, he may be treating others the same way. It can be easy for people in service-type jobs to become calloused to disrespectful treatment and just allow it to continue. I believe you may be helping others by opening a dialogue.

By: merylrunion

merylrunion — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 15:10:57 +0000

So many great suggestions! I’m grateful I didn’t have to take this one on on my own.

Robert, great idea about the pad. Heidi, your point is well taken, respect is a two way street. Judy, great point about how to redirect the conversation once the point has been made.

Kelly, your PowerPhrase, “I’m sure you don’t mean that the way it sounded” is excellent and useful in many ways. I’m teaching my Izzie that one, because it communicates inappropriateness while giving the benefit of the doubt. I see it as being likely to moving all kinds of conversations in the best possible direction.

Thanks so much for the input.
Meryl

By: Kelly Graham

Kelly Graham — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 14:17:52 +0000

I like all of the suggestions submitted so far. A couple more thoughts: I find a very useful answer to an inappropriate remark (delivered with a somewhat chilly expression, one eyebrow raised, and an icy tone): “I’m sure you don’t mean that the way it sounded.” This needs to be delivered with the tone dropping at the end, like a statement–which it is.

Heidi is right about the “mutual respect” concept. Judy is on the money about how to ask questions regarding the order–although I don’t think you should wait before speaking with the owner/manager. In this particular situation, I would speak with the owner/manager now–not in an accusatory manner, but simply to give the facts and ask for support. And I love Robert’s idea of the notepad. In fact, I have used this myself in my office. We have a lobby where clients gather, and occasionally there can be inappropriate conversation between employees in the same area. It can be simpler in the office, though: just the word “Client!” seems to work.

By: Judy

Judy — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 11:13:00 +0000

I would say something like, “Your tone/comment makes me uncomfortable — let’s focus on your order”… and then perhaps reset the conversation back to taking orders. But, do so with pointed questions, such as, “…so you wanted the steak… would you like the mango sauce?”

I would be careful, though, about asking questions that jerks like this could “play” with the words. For example, if you’re dealing with how he would like his steak “done” (which may leave him open to make more nasty remarks), perhaps reword that and ask it a different way, such as “… our steaks are generally served medium; would you like your steak prepared differently?”

Then, if he persists, I would speak to the owner / manager. While I understand you’re working for tips, and these people were associates of the owner, I don’t think the entire responsibility should rest on your shoulders alone.

Good luck. I’d love to hear how this works out!

Judy

By: Heidi

Heidi — Thu, 10 Aug 2006 05:22:04 +0000

The one common thing that everyone looks for is ‘respect’. Respect is the foundation for all other positive feelings/emotions. So, keeping this in mind, one way to tackle the situation could be by saying simply “If you want to be treated with respect, you’ll have to treat me with respect.”

Never let anyone undermine your self worth.

By: Robert Magnan

Robert Magnan — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 22:22:52 +0000

When the customer is with friends or associates, you’re risking dealing not only with words and behavior but also with the ego behind them. Some men “flirt” more to impress their friends than to connect with the waitress.
I’d suggest carrying a pad of paper. If a man attempts anything inappropriate, write a note: “That’s entirely inappropriate. If you do anything like that again, I’ll have to embarrass you in front of your companions.” Hand it to him with an expression that shows you’re serious.
His reaction should indicate whether you can expect any more trouble. If he reads it and keeps the message to himself, he should not be a problem. If he shares the message with the others and jokes about it, then you’re probably going to be facing more of the same.
Whatever his reaction to your message, it serves as fair warning. You do not need to worry about embarrassing him if he tries anything inappropriate again. You should feel free then to use any of the comments that Meryl suggested.