August 16, 2006Freeze Up
Freeze Up
I work for a little non-profit school as the Assistant to the Director, and my coworkers sometimes say gossipy and/or critical stuff about my job or worse about me.
I have to fight my first reaction to say something Izzie, defensive, sarcastic, witty.
So while I am trying to find what would Pippi do in my head, (tick tock while they are looking at me waiting, foot tapping) I get lost and freeze up and most often say nothing and find an excuse to leave or I have an Izzie moment.
Then it is “afterburn” time, you know what I should have said and wished I had. So here comes my question, is it appropriate to go back and confront a situation after the fact? If so, can you give me the first few words?
I have avoided going back because I feel like I am setting myself up for further attack, but not saying anything lets it spin inside my head and makes me feel resentful and attack myself.
I want to try something new that is not a “set-up” for me.
Please let me know if this is in the book, so that I can practice.
Meryl Responds
You can go back and address things in the past if you want to, but it sounds like your associates will give you lots of opportunities to address the issues in the future. There are plenty of phrases for dealing with put-downs in PowerPhrases page 281 and How to Use PowerPhrases page 148. Some of my favorites are:
That remark sounded sarcastic and condescending. Did you intend it that way?
That remark sounds snippy and it makes me think there is an issue we should discuss directly. Is there?
Ouch. That hurt. Was that your intention?
I thought I heard a dig. Did I?
I am interested in your opinions but not your insults.
Meryl Says
It takes time to unfreeze, but over time you will find it more natural to think and respond on the spot. When you are disappointed in your response, ask yourself later what you could have said at the time. Actually speak those words out loud - it will help develop an awareness that will eventually be available to you when these things happen. It’s a process and it takes time, but eventually you’ll be surprised by the words that come out of your mouth on the spot.
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I have a combo method for similar situations. We have a lot of pressure and unresolved conflicts in my workplace, which I seldom have any authority to resolve. I do however have opportunities to let others vent. Since I do this all the time, no one thinks of it as anything other than my particular “schstick” at the time. When I hear rough or mean comments aimed at ANYone, including myself, I say one of two things. “Oooh. Tough crowd.” or “Rrrouh” (like a cat fight noise signifying “catty”). I smile or laugh as though I am equally entertained, then move away. Everyone generally laughs, as it tends to bring the conversation to an end and ease built up tensions. (At least that’s my sense of it.)
So as not to put the person who made the comment on the hot seat, if the comment seemed aimed at me, I will directly address it later, in what I hope is a sincere, calm way, inviting an honest response. Something like “I made a joke about it before, but is there maybe really something I’m doing that you’d like to talk about?” I know it wouldn’t work for everyone, but I am a bit of a comedian, so it seems to work well for me.
Comment by Kathleen — August 19, 2006 @ 9:32 am