August 23, 2006Bad Luck
After years of living beyond their means, I wasn’t surprised to hear that my old friends lost their farm to foreclosure. I was surprised with the stated reason. They told people they had fallen on
- Bad luck.
People do experience bad luck sometimes, but that’s not what my friend’s loss was about. It was about a series of choices they made over several years. I was sad to hear about the foreclosure, but even sadder to hear about the explanations they gave. If they pin what happened on luck, they will be unlikely to change the choices they made.
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It seems that especially with financial problems, along with “bad luck,” we hear deal “It’s the fault of (insert name here).” Rarely, I suspect, is that so.
I spoke yesterday with a friend who is angry at her ex-boyfriend. “It’s his fault,” she said, that she couldn’t afford to visit a friend who, she just learned, died a month ago. I could not understand how her ex kept her from affording to visit her friend, so I asked some questions.
She told me she couldn’t afford the visit because she had to pay her ex’s truck payment. And that was because he wouldn’t pay it. And so she paid it to protect her credit–since she had co-signed the note.
“Ah,” I said: “it’s his fault you couldn’t afford the trip? No, it’s your fault you co-signed.” To my friend’s credit (as I was, after all, quite blunt) she agreed, and it opened this discussion: we always have a choice. We might not like the choice, but we always have a choice.
Thanks for a terrific point.
Comment by Kelly Graham — August 23, 2006 @ 2:10 pm
Losing a home because of bad financial decisions is a huge & embarassing issueto face.
Yes, we have all made bad decisions. In the note above, I think it was “heartless” to fault someone for not telling the truth about losing their house. It is none of our business.
Comment by Ann Guilmette — August 25, 2006 @ 1:36 pm
I understand it sounds like I’m finding fault, but that’s not my intention. I picked this as a Poison Phrase because I know from my experience that they not only aren’t telling the truth to their friends, they’re not telling the truth to themselves.
Over the years and unlike Kelly, I was not able to help them see what choices they were making and where those choices could lead. They didn’t hear me then and they are not hearing what their experience is telling them now.
My heart definitely goes out to them – I was sad when I first saw the likelihood of this happening and was sad to hear it did. I’m also concerned that there is no lesson learned, because I’d like to be able to celebrate a brighter future for them. It’s not cruel to want people we care about to see themselves and their choices realistically so they can get better results in the future.
Comment by merylrunion — August 25, 2006 @ 2:25 pm
Watching someone lose something due to their own mismanagement is sad. Much like watching someone “flush” their life with excesses of any kind. Self delusion is not “pretty.” But thinking back on my own pattern of learning, I would say the verbal confirmation that a lesson has been learned comes well after the actual learning of the lesson. Often articulation comes when I am trying to warn someone else about where their current choices may lead them, based on my own experience. And that’s usually soon enough. If someone tells me “I’ve learned my lesson.” I’m usually a little suspect. The proof is in the pudding, not in the recipe.
Comment by Kathleen — October 3, 2006 @ 10:24 am