September 24, 2006Speaking Strong as a Houseguest

When I’m a houseguest, I appreciate the hospitality I’m shown, and I attempt make things work as they are in a desire to minimize my impact. That’s why when I noticed the new-house fumes from the carpet in my friends’ guest room, I tried opening the windows to see if that would dissipate the fumes enough for me to make it through the night without too strong a reaction.

When I opened the windows I discovered two baby bunnies that had fallen into the window well. My friends and I had quite an adventure getting them out.

I realized the fumes were too strong and I knew if I slept there I would wake up puffy-eyed and headachy, so I mentioned the problem to my friends who gladly resettled me in another room.

Rather than being offended, my friend called me later to thank me for pointing the problem out. She too is sensitive to toxins, but had stopped noticing them. By speaking up, she became aware of the impact on her and put some air filters in the area to help the out-gassing process. It was good to know that my Speaking Strong benefited her as well as me.

Next week I’ll be the houseguest of someone whose political views are the opposite of mine. Last week I spoke about political conversations in my perfect world. I want to be a great houseguest, and my hope is that will include my host and me sharing our views and learning from each other.

I know the world does not line up with the perfect world I envision, but the stronger my vision and the more I share it, the more real it becomes…at the very least, for me. If you don’t know what healthy is, it’s tough to go for it. I’m planning on having some healthy political discussions next week with someone who sees the world from a different place. I hope your week is full of healthy conversation as well.

September 24, 2006We See This Project Differently, and That’s Why I Believe We Can Learn From Each Other

Warren and his coworker had drastically different ideas about how the project should be managed, as creatives and technicals often do. Warren was ready for a fight and felt sure his coworker would be too, so he decided to communicate a goal that would preclude that. He opened the conversation by saying,

We see this project differently, and that’s why I believe we can learn from each other. I don’t agree with your approach on a number of issues, but I respect your expertise so I’d like for us to understand each other’s positions and see if we can create a vision for the project that incorporates both of our separate expertise.

When you anticipate hostility in a discussion, it’s often wise to speak first of the conversation itself and the desired goals. Of course Warren had to remain open to his coworker, but when he did, he found his coworker more open to him than he had anticipated.

September 24, 2006Wannabees

In every industry there are individuals at varying levels of success. There are those who have mastered the art, those who have some degree of success, and those who have a desire to develop in the area. Sometimes those with more experience in an area refer to the newcomers as
- wannabees.

I’ve heard people refer to speaker and author wannabees, and I find it dismissive. It implies a posturing rather than desire and intent. You never know what unmanifest greatness is inside someone, and if you dismiss them as wannabees, you will probably never find out.

September 24, 2006How Do You Turn Down a Date?

This may seem to be an age-old, but silly, question. Can you give some suggestions for how a woman can politely turn down a date – both in the moment of when she is asked and also for when she wants to break a date she (reluctantly) accepted?

I find that I sometimes will accept a date that I really don’t want – I think I’m momentarily stunned and don’t know what to say other than ‘yes.’ Then later I have to find a way to politely break the date. It’s very awkward. Friends suggest that I say an ex-boyfriend returned in my life or that I recently met someone else. Worse yet, some say I should just not return any phone calls and blow the guy off. All are answers that require me to lie or be really rude. I’d rather have a more honest approach that I can be proud of.

I think many women suffer from my “problem.” We’re strong, confident women who have no problem saying ‘no’ in our professional life, but when put on the spot in our personal lives, we may say ‘yes’ to a date, not wanting to hurt the other party’s feelings. After all, it takes guts to ask someone out so I don’t believe in unnecessarily damaging someone’s self esteem.

Meryl Responds

Age old indeed. And not a bit silly. Truthfully I never did find a great way to say it.

I agree it does take courage for some men to ask a woman out. I also know that there are other men who are so assured of their greatness that they assume any woman who says no is playing hard to get or there must be something wrong with her. It helps if you have an idea of which kind you’re dealing with. While I prefer to err on the side of kindness, I also know there are times when a refusal needs to be strong, clear and definite.

Of course it’s always nice if you have an impersonal compelling reason to offer such as,

Thanks for asking, but I’m seeing someone.

One drawback is that sets you up for a new offer if that changes.

Know that you don’t have to give a reason. You can say,

No thanks, but I do appreciate your asking.

If you want to give a reason, rather than implying it’s about them, express it in terms of not being a good fit. Say,

Thanks for asking, but I’m going to pass on your offer. I don’t believe we’re a good match.

Or;

Thanks for asking. I don’t believe it would be right for either of us, so I am going to decline.

I’m sure my readers will have plenty more to contribute to this discussion.

September 24, 2006Money Talk: A Couple Looks at Their Financial Future From the Same Place

My wife and I had a great discussion last night. Like most couples sharing finances, we have had our fair share of not as great conversations about money, and I am sure they somehow led the foundation for this one by making us examine why they went wrong before. This discussion was different, in that we each started out (without trying) by asking about and discussing what we knew of the other’s needs for spending and what they were based on. We both learned about the psychology of the other and what really was behind the priorities we put on what we buy, as well as better understanding our own motivations.

The key thing that made it possible was that we had both spent time thinking about why we spend money on the things we do…my wife wants to set up a home, spending money on new furniture, because that fits both her needs for comfort and matches her image of what you do after you get married. I am supporting both of us since my wife is in grad school, and I would rather get by with the furniture we have, and save they money for quality adventures together so we can explore the dimensions of ourselves together as we travel and grow. I am also torn because I want to give her the dream of the perfectly furnished house, but since we are renting until we know where we will settle down, buying a bunch of stuff for this house is not really practical.

Because we had both figured out a lot of why we want to spend money on certain things and what the metaphoric weight of those priorities was, we were better able to understand each other and admit where we were afraid, or maybe immature or unrealistic about what we really wanted. With that knowledge, we finally found ourselves looking at our financial future from the same place, and the contentment that comes along with it.

September 20, 2006That’s My Story and I’m Sticking to It

I first met him on the streets by Vanderbilt University in Nashville when I was 19. A friend introduced us. I don’t know why he had such an impact on me, but I immediately knew I was meeting a man with a huge destiny – a man who would have a tremendous impact on the world.

I follow his career and am excited that he recently signed a contract for a new book titled Attack on Reason. I am interested in the topic and I like what this man has to say and how he says it. His name is Al Gore, and I like him.

Now, that’s a risky disclosure.

In my perfect world, where everyone says what they mean and mean what they say without being mean when they say it, sharing a political opinion isn’t risky. People respectfully ask questions, share their own experience and opinions, stay open to adapting their thinking to incorporate new information, and everyone walks away feeling enriched and knowing more than when they started.

In the imperfect world, people don’t ask questions because they assume they already know everything they need to. They don’t offer their opinions; they tell others how it is. They don’t attack points, they attack the speaker. They don’t consider the possibility of learning anything, and everyone walks away more entrenched in their own thinking than they started.

I once heard a speaker talk about a powerful meeting he had with a former President of the United States. It was an engaging story, but nowhere in the presentation did he mention who that president was. It was obvious the speaker was concerned that if he named the president, it would trigger a reaction and invite rejection. He was concerned about what response naming a political figure would get in this imperfect world.

How do your react to the topic of politics? Are you one of those who punish others for their political opinions and attempt to shut them down? Are you one of those who allow themselves to be silenced? Or do you say what you mean, mean what you say without being mean when you say it, and allow others the same?

I take a risk when I name the politician I’m referring to. But until further notice, I admit to liking Al Gore. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

What’s your story? Are you sticking to it?

September 20, 2006Is There Something You Want to Say to Me?

After Joe made a handful of sideswipes targeting Marla at a meeting, she turned to him and said,

• Joe, is there something you want to say to me?

The silence was thick. Everyone was uncomfortable by Joe’s remarks, and Marla’s comment brought the tension to the surface where it could be dealt with. Joe said there wasn’t anything he needed to say, and the sideswipes stopped.

September 20, 2006I Have a Dentist Appointment at 3:00 and…

Sometimes I catch myself giving too much information. When a journalist from INC magazine asked if she could interview me Monday afternoon, I started into a long explanation saying,

- I have a dentist appointment at 3:00 so I’ll need to leave at 2:15 to be sure to have enough time to get there, and it should take an hour after which I need to make a few stops and then…

I realized all she needed to know was when I was and wasn’t available. I edited my email to that, much briefer message.

September 20, 2006My Boss is a Bully

My boss is a bully. He doesn’t like what anyone does the first time. He feels a need to rebuke and demean everyone, thinking that his style will make people work harder. Before he even met me he judged me by my predecessors’ actions. He asked what I thought I could do, when every one else failed. I asked him what he wanted me to do, and the man said he didn’t have time to give me requirements; in fact he had given them to the people that came before me. Since there wasn’t any documentation, I have been working trial and error with him. I met with him yesterday and he was verbally abusive. I have come to the conclusion that I need to tell him, “There’s no need to be disrespectful, please tell me what you want and I will create the product you want instead of redoing it every time you see it.” That will probably end my assignment here, but I think he needs to be told. How should I do it without humiliating him and incurring any more wrath? Help! This is getting unbearable.

Meryl Responds

Be sure to check the blogged responses to last week’s Ask Meryl, because there are some excellent messages that could be of use to you.

I don’t know how to stand up to a bully without incurring any wrath, but I will tell you that often bullies stop when people refuse to take any abuse. It’s a risk, but you might be surprised.

Are you documenting?

Your words (the ones you put in quotes) sound good. I suggest you say,

• I am a professional and I expect to be treated as one. I find your words more dismissive than helpful. I believe if we take the time to detail the project specs, I can get it right or almost right the first time and avoid having to redo it.

It’s up to you to determine if you are willing to take that risk. It sounds like you are…I like the sound of your determination. Readers?

September 20, 2006Overcoming a Reflex Objection

I manage our corporate mailroom and consider company employees our customer. Before I initiate a change that may impact their respective units, I explain the reasons for making the change and solicit agreement/feedback from the department managers. If there’s an impact I hadn’t anticipated, I look for opportunities to modify the process in a manner that works best for everyone. All but one manager agreed to my latest proposal. When “Kurt” rejected my recommendation (as I anticipated he would), he quickly backed off when I asked him,

• Kurt, will you please share the key factors driving your opinion that a true alpha alignment will adversely impact your area and others? Your insights are valued and appreciated.

The policy was implemented and Kurt and I are fine with each other.

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