September 20, 2006My Boss is a Bully
My boss is a bully. He doesn’t like what anyone does the first time. He feels a need to rebuke and demean everyone, thinking that his style will make people work harder. Before he even met me he judged me by my predecessors’ actions. He asked what I thought I could do, when every one else failed. I asked him what he wanted me to do, and the man said he didn’t have time to give me requirements; in fact he had given them to the people that came before me. Since there wasn’t any documentation, I have been working trial and error with him. I met with him yesterday and he was verbally abusive. I have come to the conclusion that I need to tell him, “There’s no need to be disrespectful, please tell me what you want and I will create the product you want instead of redoing it every time you see it.” That will probably end my assignment here, but I think he needs to be told. How should I do it without humiliating him and incurring any more wrath? Help! This is getting unbearable.
Meryl Responds
Be sure to check the blogged responses to last week’s Ask Meryl, because there are some excellent messages that could be of use to you.
I don’t know how to stand up to a bully without incurring any wrath, but I will tell you that often bullies stop when people refuse to take any abuse. It’s a risk, but you might be surprised.
Are you documenting?
Your words (the ones you put in quotes) sound good. I suggest you say,
- I am a professional and I expect to be treated as one. I find your words more dismissive than helpful. I believe if we take the time to detail the project specs, I can get it right or almost right the first time and avoid having to redo it.
It’s up to you to determine if you are willing to take that risk. It sounds like you are…I like the sound of your determination. Readers?
3 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
Being dismissive and abusive is negative.
Being a frustrated boss, he might be looking to the subject matter/functional expert to take the lead. He assumes incomptetence unless proven otherwise. If there is anyway to WOW him and get hime off the “He asked what I thought I could do, when every one else failed. ” position?
Another approach is to engage him in a discussion about how to do it by merely telling him some related anecdotes and then link to the topic. This way, his perceptual alarm of “NO time” will not go off and hopfully you can hear or get him to agree indirectly how to best do the job. A matador does not necessarily have to put the bull down. Dance a bit.
Comment by Jerry Wang — September 20, 2006 @ 1:14 pm
I believe the direct approach is the best - either the boss will respect you, give you the info needed and move on, or will react negatively and you will know that no matter what actions you take, you will always be demeaned and will never achieve your true potential in that position. In that case, you’re better of pursuing your career in a more supportive environment, where your skills and contribution will be valued.
Comment by Anthea Curtis — September 20, 2006 @ 5:07 pm
Ahh… once again an incidence of workplace bullying. Generally speaking, bullies bully because they are inadequate. Good managers manage, delegate, trust and guide, they do not demean, undermine, intimidate and abuse. The harder you work, the more you are liked, the more threatened the bully feels that their own shortcomings will be exposed.
It is a mistake to think he behaves like this to make people work harder. It will work in the short term, but his targets will soon be so demotivated, then their work will suffer - so you can’t win either way, and the company will lose out as well. Sensible managers know that the way to encourage people work harder is to nurture, care, listen and support, not to knock back. If HR and directors could be made to see that they are being financially compromised by allowing this kind of destructive behaviour, even if they don’t care about their moral duty towards their employees, then you might have some hope of changing the culture before it takes over!
You can and should certainly try tackling him - strong, calm and assertive is the only way, just as you suggest. This may work, but be prepared for it to have the opposite effect. Sticking up for yourself with a serial bully -(see http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/index.htm for definitions, validation and support) - will often make him/her hit out even harder if they believe that will result in getting rid of you. It can be a no win situation, but as has been written before, it will mean that once you are gone they will simply find another target. So if you can do anything to change this, great, but if it starts affecting your own well-being, then take care of you first. Continued systematic bullying can and does destroy lives. Good luck!
Comment by Marilyn — September 22, 2006 @ 7:19 am