September 24, 2006How Do You Turn Down a Date?
This may seem to be an age-old, but silly, question. Can you give some suggestions for how a woman can politely turn down a date – both in the moment of when she is asked and also for when she wants to break a date she (reluctantly) accepted?
I find that I sometimes will accept a date that I really don’t want – I think I’m momentarily stunned and don’t know what to say other than ‘yes.’ Then later I have to find a way to politely break the date. It’s very awkward. Friends suggest that I say an ex-boyfriend returned in my life or that I recently met someone else. Worse yet, some say I should just not return any phone calls and blow the guy off. All are answers that require me to lie or be really rude. I’d rather have a more honest approach that I can be proud of.
I think many women suffer from my “problem.” We’re strong, confident women who have no problem saying ‘no’ in our professional life, but when put on the spot in our personal lives, we may say ‘yes’ to a date, not wanting to hurt the other party’s feelings. After all, it takes guts to ask someone out so I don’t believe in unnecessarily damaging someone’s self esteem.
Meryl Responds
Age old indeed. And not a bit silly. Truthfully I never did find a great way to say it.
I agree it does take courage for some men to ask a woman out. I also know that there are other men who are so assured of their greatness that they assume any woman who says no is playing hard to get or there must be something wrong with her. It helps if you have an idea of which kind you’re dealing with. While I prefer to err on the side of kindness, I also know there are times when a refusal needs to be strong, clear and definite.
Of course it’s always nice if you have an impersonal compelling reason to offer such as,
Thanks for asking, but I’m seeing someone.
One drawback is that sets you up for a new offer if that changes.
Know that you don’t have to give a reason. You can say,
No thanks, but I do appreciate your asking.
If you want to give a reason, rather than implying it’s about them, express it in terms of not being a good fit. Say,
Thanks for asking, but I’m going to pass on your offer. I don’t believe we’re a good match.
Or;
Thanks for asking. I don’t believe it would be right for either of us, so I am going to decline.
I’m sure my readers will have plenty more to contribute to this discussion.
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COMMENT on “How Do You Turn Down a Date?”….
May I suggest the opposite? Just try going out with the person. In September 2005, I reluctantly accepted an offer to go on a date and even contemplated canceling the day of! He’s “a little bit Country” and I’m “a little bit Rock-n-Roll”, so I just knew it wouldn’t work! But, when I least expected it…guess what I found? THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!! It may have taken 40 years; but, it was soooooo worth the wait…this past year has been incredible and I’m the happiest I’ve been in all of my life!
GOOD LUCK!
Comment by Deb — September 27, 2006 @ 11:11 am
As I have gotten older, I get more forgetful. Because I got so bad at overbooking myself because I was forgetting other appointments or plans I had made, I began to answer all invitations with something like “Sounds like fun. Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” That gave me time to double check all my calendars (home, work, and purse) AND time to think about whether I really wanted to participate in the event. In the case of a date you decide to decline, by putting the moment off, you can better choose when, where and how to decline to help save face for everyone. Obviously, ASAP is better so the other person can make other plans. As far as the HOW - I agree honesty is always best, if delivered in a sincere, non fear-driven way. I’ve even had friends turn me down or cancel invitations with something as honest as “I’m sorry, but as we get closer to the time, I’m finding I am just too tired from my week to find (activity) appealing.” How could I argue with that? I might be disappointed, but I could hardly take it personally. A date refusal may require slightly different wording, but could still be honest. “I’m enjoying getting to know you at work, but I don’t find I think of you as someone to date right now.” or “I’m very cautious (conservative) when it comes to dating. I like to get to know the person in a more neutral setting first before I consider whether I want to date them or not. How would that work for you?” In the case of someone you know you will never date, I liked Meryl’s suggested wording. Direct. The end.
Comment by Kathleen — September 28, 2006 @ 7:54 am
When someone asks me out on a date, if I am not interested, I say something like “I’m flattered that you’re inviting me to go out with you. However, I must decline.” I use a sincere, kindhearted tone of voice and direct eye contact. If the person pressures me for a reason for declining, I have responded with “I’m seeing someone already,” or “I’m not interested in dating anyone at this time,” or “I have personal reasons that I would rather not discuss.” I admit that I generally add a genuine “Thanks, anyway,” or an “I’m sorry” to the end of whatever date-declining response I give. Whether the guy is a sleazy-looking stranger or a well-groomed and well-mannered work acquaintance, I choose to give a kind response.
Comment by Jennean — October 2, 2006 @ 4:51 pm
As to how to turn down a date or break one already accepted, it should be done with truth and honesty. One thing to remember is this, the person being asked out, no matter how much they like to believe so, cannot control or, unless given the power to do so, really even influence how the person asking feels. They simple do not have that kind of power and are overly arrogant in thinking so. The only feelings anyone can control are their own.
So with that said, turn down the request honestly and truthfully. Say something like: “no thank you”, “thanks for asking, but no thank you”, or “I’m sorry, I’ve changed my mind”. Meryl brings up a valid point if you use some other excuse, like: “I’m already seeing someone”, “I’m busy that night”, “I have out of town guest visiting”, etc…. You may be put into a position of possibly having to deal with this again.
Comment by Randel — October 6, 2006 @ 7:26 am
My answer is similar to Jennean’s. When declining a request for a date, I just say, “No. thank you. But I am flattered that you asked. ” I use a sincere tone of voice (it helps that I am genuinely flattered) and be as kind but assertive as possible. If they ask why I honestly tell them, “I just don’t think we’re a good match but I’m flattered that you thought to ask.” Honesty really is the best policy and I’ve found it to be most effective when presented in an objective and non-judgemental way.
Comment by Lindsey — October 11, 2006 @ 3:02 pm