October 4, 2006How Do You Turn Down a Meeting Request?
I believe that I ’spoke strong’ but my boss felt I was rude….
Today I received an Outlook meeting invitation to catch my boss up to speed on a project. He asked to meet at 4pm or 4:30pm.
I declined the meeting in Outlook and at the bottom I typed: “4pm or 4:30pm is not a good time for me today. I was here at 6:15am and will leave around 3:30pm. I will be in early (wee early) 6am tomorrow and my day is open. Can we meet tomorrow? Or you may call me in the evening at home anytime.”
It turns out that I just couldn’t leave at 3:30pm and I ended up staying anyways for another issue. I called my boss and told him that I could stop by at 4:30pm. We had our meeting, and things went ok.
As I was leaving he stopped me to say: “There is one thing that I want to talk to you about that has nothing to do with this project. I’d like to give you warning on how you speak to higher ups when they are asking you to be in a meeting.” (In that particular moment I was caught off guard because I didn’t remember what he was referring to.) So I said, “I don’t know what you are referring to, please explain it to me.”
He proceeded, “Well, you might upset or offend a higher up when you respond ‘xxx time is not good for me.’ Be cautious on what you say because someone else might not be as understanding as I am.”
So, in my ‘Speak Strong’ words, I told him that I’m glad he pointed that out to me if something like that bothered him, but I did not feel that it was necessary for him to speak on someone else’s behalf. Also, I told him that I did not believe that my words were cross, misleading, or rude and that I was being honest. He rebutted and repeated himself using other words, so I left it alone with, ‘I feel that we disagree on this issue and I will adjust if necessary when someone asks me to.”
Now that I’m home, I’m stewing a little because I feel like he was not being honest to me. It was my boss that actually has an issue with the words I used and he disguised his feelings through someone else.
I’d like your opinion in that, this boss is new to me (less than 1 month) and he is already excessively micro managing my work. His words today are another signal to me that he will continue to be challenging to me unless I ‘nip it in the bud’.
Meryl Responds
This may be a wording issue or it may be a control issue. It’s possible he didn’t like how you said it or he might not like the idea that you’re not at his beckon call. My proof-reader pointed out that she finds the phrase higher ups to be a Poison Phrase and I agree, it implies a sense of dominence rather than teamwork. I think it would be useful to find out more about how he sees your role. I suggest you ask:
How would you like for me to handle that kind of situation in the future?
Were you upset by my declining the invitation or by how I worded it?
Do you think it unreasonable for me to decline a meeting if it’s after my planned departure time?
I agree he was indirectly telling you HE didn’t like what you said, and I would respond as if he had spoken for himself. I often mentally translate things people say into a better wording so I can respond directly to the issues.
Before you speak, be sure your attitude is a partnering one rather than adversarial. Your “nip it in the bud” comment is well taken, however, I think it would to be better to word your goal as to get clear about how you can best support each other and work together.
I hope this helps. Let me know.
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I had a boss like this and you’re right, he hid his own inadequate managerial skills under the guise of “higher ups”, etc.
My only thought is that perhaps you gave “too much information” when you declined the meeting. From my observations over the years, less is, oftentimes, best. I’ve found that management doesn’t necessarily care what time you came in, etc., but that you’re available when they want/need you. I would also use the “Propose a New Time” feature in Outlook. That way you can check his schedule to see what works within yours.
My suggestion would be for you to respond such as, “I am not available during those times; does tomorrow at XX time work within your schedule?”
Comment by Judy — October 4, 2006 @ 12:18 pm
Being a new manager myself, your response might have given him the impression that you did not feel his request was important. Remember he is new and is still trying to assess his staff. He may be trying to assess who are his allies and which employees are going to be more resistant to his leadership. It important to let your new manager know that your a team player and he can count on you. The problem with emails is that they are not always as clear to the reciever as we think they are. I would apologize for the misunderstanding and reasure my new boss that you acknowledge his leadership role and know that you can provide the support he needs.
Comment by Matilde — October 4, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
I would suggest keeping it short and sweet. For example, “My normal work schedule is - to -. Would it be possible to meet tomorrow at - time?
Although, I think your reply to the meeting notice is fine, everyone’s perception differs. You might have to soften you words when communicating with him.
In general, I do think a part of a Manager’s job is to let you know how your words might be perceived by others and to give you suggestions on how to either be more clear or how to soften them up.
Comment by Alex — October 4, 2006 @ 1:32 pm
I agree, that letting them know what time you came in and what time you were leaving may have been too much and might have sounded like complaining. I am not familiar with the use of Outlook meetings since we do not have access to that function on our server but your reply message that repeated the 4pm or 4:30 pm appeared to be saying he was not being specific enough. Can you put down or block out or otherwise identify your available times so he could see that you would have already left?
Comment by Anne — October 4, 2006 @ 2:40 pm
A new boss of one month might be losing sleep that hie team will drop the ball and get him fired because of the newness. A new boss might need some important info from the team to communicate with his “higher up’s”. There are many jungle prople out there besieged with their perceived or real need to survive and succeed. Their paychecks pay for their children’s expenses, mortgage and etc.
During the honey moom period of a new and critical work relationship, short face-to-face meetings with a smile and friendly gestures usually make everyone more comfortable.
Why does your new boss of one month not know your working hours? I would inform him or her with a smile and then put it in writing. If the boss for some unknown reason, requests a status meeting, find out why. Is he preparing for another meeting? Is he being chased? Does he need the crucial info to best represent the team?
I would walk over to him and do a two minute chat to find out what specifically he needs and then provide him what he needs or we might even have a talk while I am driving to pick up my child.
One perspective of how it transpired is that the boss did not know or did not remember your working hours (very surprising to me) and then you declined to meet. Then you got late and met the boss anyways. This could be interpreted as “meeting with your boss is not important”. I know we can’t live according to others’ needs, but more consideration could go a long way with most people. I look after your needs and you look after my needs!
People are usually reasonable. If they know you will dive for the ball to cover for them, they will likely reciprocate because you help them to survive and succeed. SpeakStrong is key and remain fully connected so you don’t need to SpeakStrong is even better in my mind.
I apologize if I came off one-sided or harsh. I am trying to make a point of the importance to serve our bosses who are our key customers well. The most adaptable and the reasonably accomodating succeed!
Comment by Jerry Wang — October 4, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
I am with your boss, I also perceived you as being rude. The way you declined his request came off as condescending. As far as a control issue, there should not be one, he is in control, he is the boss. We will always have authority figures in our lives and we constantly have to remind oursleves about that, and about how to respond to them in an appropriate way, while retaining our dignity, our quality of life and our upward mobility in our jobs. There were very good suggestions posted as far as keeping it more simple etc. You can say anything you want to anybody (within reason), but if you say it politley you will always have integrity.
Comment by Sandra — October 11, 2006 @ 3:05 pm
I know my comments are late. I have had computer problems and just got this Speak Strong newsletter. I normally wouldn’t have responded so late, however, I felt so compelled to share my thoughts on your approach and response to your boss. First, your unwillingness to stay late to meet with your boss and then your “having to stay anyway” doesn’t send a positive message to your new manager. If you had a family commitment, or absolutely had to leave, that’s one thing however that doesn’t appear to have been your reason for not being able to stay. Maybe an in person, stick your head in the door, and ask your boss if it might wait until the next day. You probably would have found a more empathetic boss. I don’t think, from the way you explained that you wrote the response, that the issue was your tone but yet the fact that you couldn’t stay and then you ended up staying. Like one of the other readers stated above, as if he isn’t important enough for you to stay but something else was.
I am a people manager, and it isn’t always easy to do everything perfect yet somehow it seems that people expect that you should. We Particularly when it is a new relationship. Give him a little bit of a break. We are all human. It is his responsibility to provide you feedback on your approach and actions. He deserves your respect enough to at least try to understand his point of view. If he used “higher ups” as a response when he really meant himself, I would say you should put it in context and try not to judge so harshly for his lack of knowing how to address this situation with you. Responding back to him that you would make a change if someone else makes the suggestion actually borders on insubordination.
Lastly, if you want to build a collaborate, productive working relationship you might need to consider your role in the breakdown of communication in this situation. Could you have handled the situation initially in a different way that might have had your boss respond in a different way? There is always two sides to any breakdown in communication or misunderstanding. Unless your boss was malicious in his intent to provide you feedback, please give the guy a break.
Comment by Janet — October 11, 2006 @ 10:47 pm