October 17, 2006Defensiveness
My question and comment is about the Power Phrase of the Week
- What did I do or say to lead you to believe that…
It is very hard for me to ask that kind of thing.
I need help with feeling defensive.
My experience is that most of my coworkers look at that as an excuse to “take my inventory” so to speak. Feeling defensive, I tend to come off scripted or insincere, because I am trying to keep my cool and not be mad that instead of solving a problem, I am getting told what is not ok with me. I have found some results with the broken record strategy, asking why do you say that?Any suggestions?
Meryl Responds
Yes, I do have some ideas.
If you’re mad that the sharing seems llike your personal inventory rather than constructive feedback, you can say,
- I am interested in hearing anything that helps us reach resolution. This feels more like a personal attack. Let’s transform this into a constructive attempt to move forward positively.
Or, when they give you a specific piece of negative feedback, ask,
- What would you prefer I do instead?
If the answer seems unrealistic, ask them,
- Do you think that’s realistic?
Don’t worry about sounding like you’re scripted…that can be a part of the process.
Usually by asking for specifics you get people to think more rationally because they have to justify their opinions. So keep asking for specific information, but also keep directing the conversation toward solutions.
While you do that, be open to the idea that you might learn something, and also be open to the idea that sometimes people need to vent to get past issues.
I lead an exercise in my seminars where I have people complain about something a third party did while their partner listens and reflect back what they hear their partner say. Then I have the same person who complained before complain about the same issue but blame their partners. I ask the partners to listen with the same detachment they listened with when they weren’t targeted, and to reflect back what they were hearing in the same way.It’s a great exercise to practice overcoming defensiveness.
Defensiveness is a very limiting quality. It’s a wonderful freeing experience to be able to listen without it. If you become defensive, you are probably defending a self-image that their words threaten. Pay attention to what you’re telling yourself and find something else to tell yourself that will deflect your defensiveness. Tell yourself something like:
This is information.
- This is their opinion.
- I can listen with the same detachment I would listen with if they were talking about someone else.
- We can get past this, and we will get there more quickly if I listen to what they have to say.
One of Jack Canfield’s favorite self-statements is:
- No matter what they say or do to me, I’m still a worthwhile person.
The defensiveness won’t go away overnight, but it will over time.
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