October 26, 2006When You Don’t Want to Speak, You Probably Need To
Have you ever noticed it often happens that if you don’t want to speak up, you probably should, and if you do want to speak up, you probably shouldn’t?
If your motivation to speak is to relieve emotional pressure, you might be better off waiting. This week, one person I know spoke up about a situation when she was emotionally out of balance, and her words were unfair and unnecessarily hurtful. This week, another person I know waited to speak to deal with his emotional reaction. By doing so he won the respect of the person he had the issue with when he spoke later.
If you know something needs to be said because the truth of a situation needs to be understood, you probably should go ahead and speak whether you want to or not. This week, one person I know spoke up because management did not hold her colleague accountable, and her colleague’s slacking was a bottleneck for the entire office. She had been reluctant to speak and rock the boat, but she knew she did the right thing. Another person I know needed to speak up because a dishonest coworker had the entire office behaving secretively to avoid having their accomplishments claimed by someone else. She did not speak because she’s afraid to rock the boat and is unsure of her words.
The desire to speak is not the ultimate guide to whether you should speak or not. Be sure it’s Pippi who wants to speak, not Izzie. I’ve re-linked to my Risky Conversation Assessment form to help you decide whether you want to have your conversation or not – and whether you’ll have the conversation anyway…or not.
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I like to share some of the thoughts of myself. I am very much craze of one of my friends.
I will share most of my feelings or day to day happenings with him. He listens it patiently and ask some questions in the middle. That will acknowledge me he is interested in conversing with me. I started making him call frequently. But one day he shouted at me like he is not interested to talk with me. I was totally upset. I sms’ed him why he was anger at me. But he doesnt have habit of messaging. Usually he will call if he sees my message. But no response from him. The next day I called him, I could understand from his words he is trying to avoid me. Asked why he was anger at me yesterday. He told he was not at all anger at me. Those words made my mind free. Then I asked him whether I can make a call to him. He told that ‘dont make frequent calls I am getting anger’. These words hurted me a lot. Because of his avoidance I am feeling like loosing my self esteem. I dont know whether he is interested in talking with me or not and also now I am thinking whether I can proceed talking with him or not. Any advise on this regard can be appreciated.
Comment by sumathi — August 5, 2008 @ 2:26 am
Sumathi - The description you give of your friend’s behavior sounds to me like what happens when the friend does not know how to set his own limitations, or how to convey them to you. Please don’t let it determine how you feel about yourself. It is likely more about your friend finding out about a particular limitation of his own for the first time, and not knowing how to deal with it. If you value the person as well as the friendship, I would recommend giving him time to figure out what he CAN do and in what way he can be available to you. In time he may be able to articulate that for you. I could use myself as an example: I happen to be the type person who needs a lot of “down” time or alone time. Even a phone call can be more than I can handle in a given moment. My closest friends have come to understand that I will call them back when my own limitations allow me to do so. And I completely agree with everything Meryl said.
Comment by Kathleen — August 11, 2008 @ 7:49 am