November 30, 2006A PowerPhrase Is as Strong as it Needs to Be and No Stronger

I buy and sell on eBay and have 100% positive feedback. Most vendors are reasonable but occasionally I run into someone who seems unconscious. I usually choose to speak up even though I know I run the risk of negative feedback. So far I’ve managed to make my point without offending.

This week I was surprised to receive a cryptic email from a vendor about a $7 auction that had closed 24 hours before. The email said,

- Payment was due within 24 hrs of auction end. Please pay now or I will have to relist the item and file a dispute via eBay.

I examined the auction listing and discovered that, there in the fine print, the vendor had noted that payment was required within 24 hours. A 24 hour payment policy is unusual and I missed it when I placed my bid.

I checked the vendor’s feedback and noticed that mixed in with the positive comments were comments about her being rude. I understood why.

I emailed the vendor back saying that I had missed the 24 hour policy, and I would make payment immediately. I continued that while I understood her right to set her own payment policies, her email seemed unnecessarily harsh, particularly since her policies were unusual.

Her response to me was conciliatory, and the interaction ended on a positive note.

Sometimes it is necessary to make demands and indicate the consequences of non-compliance, but it’s important to wait to get heavy handed until it’s clear that’s what’s needed. The eBay vendor was technically justified in the strength of her demands - I was late in remitting. Being technically correct isn’t always good business, and being stronger with customers than is needed never is.

November 30, 2006Impatient Clarification

I asked a friend a clarifying question because I did not understand her remark. She prefaced her response with, “Like I said.” I kept asking questions until I felt I understood, ignoring her dismissive attitude.

Afterwards, I felt patronized, and felt like this phrase should have been addressed, but I did not know what to say. What do you suggest?

Meryl Responds:

I’d say,

• You sound impatient with my need for clarification. Is there something about how I’m asking that is irritating? I could pretend to understand, but I figure if it’s worth you saying, it’s worth me understanding.

November 30, 2006If You Can Manage to Get There on Time for a Change

Joel is in charge of the agenda for an association meeting. He left a voice mail on Carla’s machine saying,

- I’d like you to lead a networking activity at the beginning of the meeting if you can manage to get there on time for a change.

When asking for a favor, don’t include a put-down in your request. As an association member, Carla has no obligation to be on time to the meetings, but even if she had, indirectly mentioning her tardiness while asking for a favor leaves a bad feeling.

November 30, 2006Let’s Solve the Problem Now. How This Happened Is a Conversation for Later.

Somehow Ruth’s order was overlooked, leaving her short on inventory for a top selling item. When she spoke to impress the manufacturer that this was a problem that needed to be solved immediately, the manufacturer came back with excuses and explanations. Ruth kept the focus on the first priority - getting her order filled. She said,

• Let’s solve the problem now. How this happened is a conversation for later.

It’s easy to get distracted into blame and defense when a problem arises. There is a time and a place to debrief problems to find out what needs to be changed to avoid future problems. When damage control is the priority, those questions should wait. When the house is on fire, put it out and start the arson investigation once things settle down.

November 22, 2006Holiday Goals

Holiday Goals

I hope your holiday weekend is as fabulous as I plan to make mine.

I didn’t always enjoy my holidays. Over twenty years ago, when my son and I drove to my parents for a visit, I noticed I was nervous. When I asked myself why, I realized I was going with an unconscious goal of winning approval. Then and there I redefined my goals and my definition of what a successful holiday would be. I decided I was going to give, and if my presence contributed to their enjoyment, I would consider it a success. It turned out to be our best holiday ever.

When you stop trying to get things from people that they can’t give you, you become more open to who they are and what they can. Some people don’t get your funniest jokes. Some people can’t meet you in your most tender emotional moments. Some people don’t appreciate your amazing culinary creations. You still can enjoy who they are.

Sure, you may have to speak up about some things, like getting help with the dishes, turning the TV off during dinner or not wanting a third helping of your grandmother’s pecan pie even though it’s delicious. You may have to call your sister on her snark (look it up or figure it out) or let your mother know that leaving early doesn’t mean you don’t love her. But if you set attainable goals for a delightful time, you’re likely to have it. PowerPhrases are targeted, and so are powerful weekends.

If you haven’t taken my communication survey, consider taking it now, before you celebrate the holidays with someone who sees the world through a different lens than yours. (The complete survey is available in my book PowerPhrases!)

Set your own conscious and attainable personal holiday goals, and no matter what you do, have a fabulous Thanksgiving weekend. I’m planning on it. My goals are to contribute to my son’s holiday enjoyment during his visit, to get two new chapters written in my next book and to turn 53. I expect to be quite successful.

November 16, 2006Insulting Emails

I wrote to ask you how to handle a boss who criticizes us en-masse in daily emails for problems with individuals. We found it demoralizing. You suggested that any time he makes a reference like that, we should go in individually and ask if he was referring to us. I went in and asked him if he was referring to me in an email and he said no, and a colleague did it too. His emails have been nicer ever since.

November 16, 2006Are You Insane?

When Gene suggested eliminating a report to streamline documentation of a process, Krystal asked,

- Are you insane?

It turned out there was reason to keep the procedure as it was, but that did not justify the reaction. The wording attacks the person, not the suggestion, and does it in an extreme way. The idea may not have been workable, but it wasn’t insane and neither was Gene for suggesting it.

November 16, 2006Am I Still On Your Radar?

Chris Lytle, author of The Accidental Sales Person and fellow speaker, gave out the following PowerPhrase at a showcase last week.

• Am I still on your radar?

He suggested using the phrase in the subject line of an email to someone who has not been responding as quickly as you expected. Then the message says something like, “I haven’t heard back from you, so I wanted to make sure I’m still on your radar for this project.”

I immediately sent an email to a client I hadn’t heard from asking if I was on his radar, and he assured me I was.

November 16, 2006More Dixie Chicks Lessons

I responded to some of the posts privately, and am writing now with a general response to the collective posts. Be sure to click on comments for the posts for “Wake-up Call” article and the “Shut-up and Sing” article. Sorry it’s such a long post - I have a lot to respond to.

When I wrote the original Dixie Chick article, there was something about it that didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I referred to the Chicks as Speaking Strong. I added some comments later to clarify that I didn’t see them as the models of diplomacy – I mentioned that their words wouldn’t pass the PowerPhrase test, and I also suggested that had they been as diplomatic as Michael Fox was, perhaps it the backlash would have been less. I didn’t want to overstate my disclaimers because I didn’t want to imply that they deserved what they got. I considered that as similar to like suggesting that a rape victim deserved what she got if she was dressed provocatively. I didn’t want to imply that I was blaming the victim in any way – but I do want to acknowledge those who took issue with their choice of words. We’ll never know if the backlash would have been less severe had they been more gracious in their disclosure – and we’ll never know if the backlash against me would have been less had I not referred to them as Speaking Strong.

I apologize for any implication that their words were models. I also apologize for any implication that those who boycotted the Chicks were wrong to do so, or that they condoned the harsher reactions, or that I lumped those who boycott the Chicks in with those who attempted to destroy their careers.

Connie, I am very happy to thank your dad and the men and women like him who secure the right to speak for us all. I speak to many military groups and I am in correspondence with people who serve in Iraq. I stand in awe of people who risk their lives and sacrifice their comfort for what they believe. I love my military audiences (and was reminded last week by a meeting planner who hires me that they love me). I find them more open to discussion than some of my other groups.

Lest anyone think I am disparaging those who protect our freedoms while I advocate exercising them, I do want to say thanks for your service. Honestly I don’t have the words to express what I feel for what they do, so I’ll leave it as a heart-felt thank-you. Picture me standing on my roof top as I declare my thanks and it might do justice to what I feel.

Regarding the comment that it wasn’t an orchestrated effort, if you haven’t watched the movie trailer or read the articles I suggest you do. A poster asks who orchestrated the campaign. That question is answered in the articles and the movie trailer. If you have seen that and you still don’t see it as orchestrated, we’ll have to agree to disagree. In my opinion it would be as if someone who objected to my post didn’t stop at unsubscribing from my newsletter and deciding not to buy my books, but also called on my clients to drop me, got my books taken out of bookstores, got my publishers to withdraw contracts and organized public burning of my books. To me the evidence points against the idea that this was individuals choosing to boycott someone in protest, while that certainly happened as well.

A reader (with an extensive military background) wrote me an incredible email (subject line: Message of Support) that summarized the main point of my original post…a point that appeared to get lost. She said,

“I did take heart in the comment you made about the sense of freedom the Chicks feel by having been “released” by their previous fan base, and the new directions they feel they can move in. Maybe you could expand on this concept as it applies in all our lives? What constraints do we place on ourselves unnecessarily and without thought? How do we release them without generating a firestorm and move past them?”

I love her words about taking heart. In the same newsletter I suggested to someone who lost her job after speaking up that perhaps it wasn’t a job she really wanted to keep. Someone posted a comment on that about how she had spoken up about racism and was fired the next day because she “didn’t fit in.” http://www.speakstrong.com/newsletter/2006/11/02/laid-off-for-speaking-up/#comments She realized it was true and she had been freed. I thought the angry responses proved the point I wanted to make – we do better when we play to those who accept who we are and what we stand for, rather than try to convince or pretend for those who don’t. I lost a few subscribers from this discussion, but I gained far more than I lost and my book sales were unusually brisk.

I think of advice I received when I worked for a seminar company that required book sales. There are always people who complain about being subjected to a product presentation during the seminar. The most successful trainers are the ones who “speak to those who want to buy” and consider but don’t overly concern themselves about those who don’t.

For those who object to my “advocating my political views”: I don’t expect you to agree with this, but I don’t see myself as advocating political views – I see myself as advocating clear, open communication and occasionally using political examples. I don’t promise never to use political examples again, but I will continue to keep them occasional.

Thanks to Andrea in Australia for confirming the idea that the reaction to the Chicks reflected more poorly on the US than the initial remark. She said that’s exactly what she noticed across the big pond.

I also was struck by a comment by someone who said she tended to want to keep her head down when people are striking out lest she become a target, but she realized she needed to speak. It’s no surprise that the most aggressive among us tend to be more vocal than the more passive. It’s that passivity that allows bullying to happen. I think of a friend whose coworkers remained silent when her complaint about her manager was investigated. My friend was fired. Her former coworkers regretted their silence when the bullying that she received was redirected to them. In my opinion, those who stay silent are as culpable as those who wield aggression.

Thanks to all of you for participating in this dynamic discussion. I learned a lot from it, and I hope you did too. And I hope that my original message came through despite the side trails the discussion took us down. I hope you are left with the inspiration to free yourselves from attempting to please those who can’t accept you as you are, and play to the people who do. I am grateful to you all, including those who took issue with my writing.

www.speakstrong.com

November 16, 20063 New Resources Are Available 2 DVDs and a Performance Review Phrase Book

t’s hot off the presses, not available on Amazon yet, but my latest book: How to Say It: Performance Reviews is finally available at my bookstore. The first half of the book describes the “Totally Integrated Performance System” (TIPS) that lays the groundwork for effortless reviews. The second half of the book consists of phrases to use in your reviews, and how to use them.

I don’t know which part of the book is my favorite. I love the TIPS system, because it shows how to manage seamlessly. In the second part of the book I particularly love what we call Bonus Superlative Phrases: phrases that are over-the-top in communicating excellence. Here’s a sample for the category of grooming: “Grooming is so impeccable the rumor is she is digitally enhanced.” And for Cost Management: “Spends company funds as if investing for his grandmother.”

I also have two new DVD’s for you: Next! And Other Empowered Ways to Deal with Rejection and The Difference Between Lightning Bugs and Lightning Bolts: How to Use PowerPhrases to Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say and Get What You Want. These are one hour live presentations. They come with handouts.

And while supplies last, for orders over $50 I offer free funny feet animal tree ornaments. (Anyone who ordered from me in the past month can get credit toward this special.) Visit my bookstore to see how cute these ornaments are.

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