November 2, 2006My Boss Doesn’t Like Me
I know my boss doesn’t like me personally. Nothing I do seems to make any difference. I have perfect stats. I always volunteer for the extra jobs. I am on time, I do my work as best I can. She just avoids me like the plague. The only time she said anything to me in a positive way she added well I know you had some problems with personality issues when jean was your manager. (This was in reference to how well I handled someone getting all bent out of shape because I looked at them with a naughty glint in my eye.) The woman just doesn’t like me. This will (I would bet) affect any raises, promotions and stability in my job. I want to address this issue, but I don’t know how. I don’t even know if it is wise. It is eating at me and has been for quite some time. Any suggestions?
Meryl’s Response
If it was me, I would ask her directly. I would say (if appropriate)
I get the feeling you don’t like me, which baffles me since I do my work well and I like you. I can live with that but I am concerned that it will affect my bonuses and raises. Am I perceiving you correctly and is there anything I can do to mitigate this?
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(This was in reference to how well I handled someone getting all bent out of shape because I looked at them with a naughty glint in my eye.)
What does this phrase mean? Is this a male or female speaking? What transpired between the speaker and Jean?
Comment by Sheila Bailey — November 2, 2006 @ 1:34 pm
I would recommend a slightly different approach: avoid the words “feeling” and “like” in your opening sentence. These are personal expressions and you are at your place of business. You and your boss must work together to meet business objectives; it’s not about becoming friends—which is what “like” implies. And if you talk about your feelings, you’ll take this conversation in a direction you don’t want it to go, making it about your personality rather than workplace issues.
Instead, start with a question focused on job performance—something like, “I’ve noticed that you tend to avoid me. I’m wondering whether that’s an expression of your confidence in my ability to do the job or whether there’s something else we need to talk about.” Then wait silently for a response and address your boss’s comments from a business perspective.
It’s always to your advantage to come from a position of strength rather than a position of weakness. If this boss is intentionally trying to hurt you, you will be giving her permission to do by telling her you anticipate undeserved consequences. Stay strong and confident—you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t give your boss an even greater sense of power over you by expressing your fear of undeserved consequences—approach her as if you expect fairness—even if you have to pretend.
Comment by Marilyn Haight — November 6, 2006 @ 7:29 am
I’ve lived this scenario. Nothing I did was ever right, he would ask me why I didn’t do something, “because we talked about this…” but he had never given me the direction of what to do. You couldn’t argue because there was no proof. It always ended up a he said, she said, and I always lost.
The worst part was he was the boss’ son and would take over the business. We got along just fine when he was a regular employee, but when he was promoted to a branch manager, he got full of himself and wouldn’t do little things like he did before, like take a case of paper to his own office. He never followed procedure and never met a deadline. Both things he accused me of not doing. Even the bookkeeper avoided him because of his negativity and inappropriate comments.
His first act as president of the company was to fire me after 14-1/2 years of loyal service.
Comment by Diana — April 14, 2010 @ 10:01 am
I agree, the best way is not to show weakness. My supervisor in this case is the same way, he does not respect me, and always tries to find small things to pick on me about.
I mean emailing me to tell me my faults are not appropriate behavior for someone who should be working to help you improve. Instead, many of my mistakes occurred because I was too concerned with my supervisor’s approval. Once I did a project, and even had my supervisor review it for errors. There were none, but come 3 weeks later the error was there, and there were many of them. I was blamed for it.
I only started the position not too long, and I am hoping to get into this field of work, but it appears this individual lives to hurt me whether he is threaten by my presence or loves to exert power. I am not sure how the other co-workers have handled it, but I know that I do not deserve to be treated like this as I do not wish this person ill-will, they just seem to get off noting my mistakes.
Comment by Uncertain — October 30, 2010 @ 10:32 am
If anyone is experiencing workplace bullying (because that’s what it is), the first thing you will need to do is gather evidence. Buy a notebook and keep a record of all instances where you are treated differently or feel you are being picked on. Print out any written evidence, such as emails and memos. Keep all this separate to your work records and not on your employer’s computer system – no-one else needs access to this than you at this stage. You may not want to do this at first, but it will help you to get back some feelings of control because you are now taking direct action to fix the problem.
Before taking any further action, make sure you have a good support system. This can include: union rep, friends, family, a counsellor or therapist, minister of religion or work colleagues. If several of you have been bullied, see if the others will join together for a group action.
When you have some evidence, consult your union rep (if you have one). You need the evidence before you consult them, as this is the first thing they will ask you to do.
Whether you have a union rep or not, it’s then a question of following your employer’s grievance procedure. A good procedure will list some examples of ‘unacceptable behaviour’. Many procedures will tell you to talk privately to the perpetrator first, before taking formal action; for many people who have suffered workplace bullying, this is impossible because their self-confidence has ben eroded. If you can’t approach the perp on your own, go directly to the formal procedure; your union rep should support you in this.
Comment by Anita — November 3, 2010 @ 8:14 am
Thanks Anita! Very clear recommendations. I will add that it’s smart to stop documenting as soon as you think there may be an issue. That way if things escalate you have a foundation of evidence and don’t need to keep building it.
Comment by merylrunion — November 5, 2010 @ 8:04 pm
Uncertain, have you considered asking for what you want and asking if your assumptions are true? It might be interesting to if your conclusions are true. Something like,
* I work better when I receive positive feedback about what I do well along with the noting of errors. Can you tell me what I do well?
Or,
* I’m trying to figure out your style. You seem very critical of my work and it makes me think you have not respect for me. Am I right to think that, or am I misinterpreting your style?
It could be useful, and it would be some action. Often when people have attention called to their behavior, they back down a bit, even if they don’t acknowledge it.
Comment by merylrunion — November 5, 2010 @ 8:21 pm