November 2, 2006Unacceptable Behavior for a Three-Year-Old
My adorable 3 year old nephew is also a little “monster” unrestrained with no limits on his behavior. He hits whoever he wants to, is rude and has frequent temper tantrums when he does not get his own way. We took him to church with us Saturday afternoon, we sat in the 2nd to last row and he was impossible. Hit the man behind us twice, walked back and forth, back and forth across our feet and striking the people in the pew in front of us with each pass (unconsciously of course.) I pulled him aside and asked him to stop stepping on my feet and he punched me in the throat. With his mother and grandmother in my pew the behavior went on and on and I was horrified that no one was intervening.
During the service the woman in front of us who gave repeated dirty looks finally spoke to my sister about him, and my sister told the woman, “If it bothers you, you should move to a different seat.”
When I got to the car I made it quite clear that I thought it was unacceptable that this child was allowed to hit people and he should have been removed from church.
My habit for so long has been not to speak up so now that I am it’s making people uncomfortable. But I think that makes the fact that I’m saying something now more powerful.
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Thank god that you spoke up about your nephew’s behaviour! I work with children who have been severly underparented all their lives-as it sounds is the case for this poor little boy. Not challenging poor behaviour and being afraid to set reasonable boundaries will leave him feeling constantly anxious and confused which may explain some of his hostility. I suspect that some of it also comes from Mum judging by her response to a reasonable request.
Without boundaries and consequences to his actions, he will have no security and no way of learning that his behaviour will isolate him. With no security and few friends, he will find it hard to make his way successfully in this world and will almost certainly be unable to make good choices about anything. I think mum needs help to learn that high warmth (lots of love and positive regard) plus high control (boundaries, consequencies) will help this little boy love her and himself an awful lot more.
Comment by Liz Cooper — November 3, 2006 @ 4:07 am
3 year old children can be very difficult to manage in an adult environment (church). Many children that age are not quite mature enough to be still for an entire hour when they only have an attention span of 3 minutes! Yet it is time for them to began to learn to use their developing self control. I agree the child needed to be removed, but let me tell you how I handled the situation…
My grandson had problems being quiet and sitting still also. Just about everywhere he went. He was slow to mature and later diagnosed with IDHD. He was a loving & sensative child and lots of fun to take on walks-he saw things no one else did and he gives the best hugs anyone could give. It was tough on my daughter, never got to see the end of anything and meals frequently interrupted even at home. When we were together at a function and the child got distracting, I would give my daughter a break and take him for a walk myself because “I needed a break” Then I would talk quietly with the boy while we were walking about how hard it was to sit still but we really need to think about other people and not disturb them. Sometimes we might have 2 or 3 little walks for 5 to 10 minutes and I did not wait until he got out of control . I timed it so that I was in control and not the child. We might go out side and walk around the restaurant once or twice while waiting for the meal to be served and return refreshed. At church we might go out side and walk around talking about god’s beautiful world, then return to service to “thank God.” Sometimes all the Adults in our group would catch on to the game and take turns keeping him busy. I think Mom’s for the most part want to do what’s best but get very tired when they have high spitited childen, don’t really know what to do and need a little help by example. I would have given anything for that kind of help with my spirited child. And children need to know they are cared for by all the adults in their life. My grandson is now 13 yrs old, feels good about being in church and has sat through church services for almost 10 years now! He treats small children exactly how he was treated and helps with teaching his cousins the same gentle way we taught him.
Comment by Cindy — November 4, 2006 @ 2:56 pm
“It takes a village to raise a child.” Thank you for speaking strong – too many adults are unwilling to express their disdain for how other people’s children act for fear of being shunned by the parent. Unfortunately, our society shows the results.
Comment by Cheryl — November 8, 2006 @ 9:53 am
My grandson was somewhat like this for a while. His parents both worked to control him but little seemed to work. When he came to my house and started acting that way I set rules: HE DIDN’T GET TO PLAY WITH THE REMOTE CONTROL CARS, DIDN’T GET TO PLAY THE COMPUTER GAMES AND DIDN’T GET TO WATCH HIS FAVORITE MOVIES. If he broke the rules he went home. He quickly learned that Grandpa was no push over and that if he wanted to stay he had to behave.
Comment by Robert Harris — November 8, 2006 @ 2:19 pm