December 21, 2006You Need to Go to the Meeting
Joe was trying to help Gail install some software when Gail noticed he was likely to be late for a meeting. She started to say,
- Don’t finish with that. You need to go to the meeting,
When it occurred to her that Joe would be likely to find that dismissive and too directive. When she had spoken to him that way in the past he got irritated and told her he could take care of himself. So instead, Gail said,
- I’ll understand if you need to leave for the meeting.
Joe was surprised to see how late it was, and thanked her for reminding him.
December 21, 2006A Heartwarming Email
“I guess,” Tommy answered when I asked if he wanted me to explain how to use email. That’s what Tommy said when I asked him anything. I took it as a yes and helped him set up an account. Tommy is painfully shy, and as a result, painfully isolated. I thought if we emailed, it would provide him a connection to one human being at least.
For years I was the only person Tommy shared himself with, so his emails were long and detailed. It turned out that this man who stayed so silent had so much to say. My responses were shorter, but long enough to let him know his emails were welcome.
About two years ago, Tommy confessed to some disturbing attitudes. I was surprised to learn how much hatred he harbored, and was concerned that he fed his loathing by listening to a radio host who left him “churning in a pool of rage.”
Things change. Tommy sent me an email this week that provided me a lovely surprise. He wrote: “It’s strange but I just seem like a different person almost. I want to concentrate on being the nicest person I can be. To be happy and friendly as much as possible to everyone I see. I want to be remembered as a nice guy. So I try not to get angry at anyone. I really haven’t all year. Used to have so much anger at myself mostly. It all went away. I just feel at peace.”
I always knew that Tommy had a beautiful heart hidden beneath his wall of silence. I am delighted that he found it and that he shared it with me.
I believe in the basic goodness of people. That conviction is a part of the effectiveness of PowerPhrases. One of my favorite seminar evaluations from an onsite conflict resolution seminar stated, “Meryl brought out the goodness in us others thought we had lost. We feel good about working together again.” That was exactly what I had set out to do, and I was grateful that someone acknowledged it.
Sure, you may have to set boundaries and protect yourself at times from those who haven’t found their basic goodness yet, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And when you can draw it out, it benefits everyone.
Sometimes when you open up conversation, you’ll find things that aren’t pretty. But if you don’t let that shut you down, if you keep going, you’re likely to strike gold.
I don’t take credit for Tommy’s metamorphosis, but I take delight in it. I take delight any time someone stays open long enough to learn that the truth isn’t anything to hide from. It’s an honor to be present when someone finds their heart.
December 21, 2006Ask Her to Call Me Directly
Perhaps it was the cocktails that caused Martee to be rude and inappropriate with Liz during happy hour after work. She seemed to be baiting her with jabs and digs but Liz refused to take the bait. When Martee said, “Go ahead, stand up for yourself,” Liz left with the words, “There’s no point arguing with you tonight. It would only make things worse.”
The next day, Martee asked her coworkers to get things from Liz that she normally got herself. It struck Liz as childish for them to use their coworkers to avoid facing each other, so she told the coworkers,
- Ask Martee to call me directly for that. I’ll be happy to get it for her once I hear from her.
Martee made the call and included an (admittedly vague, face-saving) apology for her words the night before. They got back on a professional footing with each other.
December 21, 2006Violating Attendance Policy
I do not want to be a “tattle tale” however I have knowledge of a co-worker abusing my works attendance policy. I do not know what to do.
Meryl Responds
Assuming you’ve made sure the situation is what you think it is, tell the offender,
- I’m aware that you’re not honoring the attendance policy. While I don’t like being a tattle tale, I also don’t like feeling complicit in your policy abuse. If I become aware of future abuses, I will report them. I’m telling you this now in the hope that it won’t be necessary.
If her abuses continue, she is doing it with the full knowledge that you will report it. That makes it her choice.
December 14, 2006Communication Subtext
It seemed bizarre to me. Tammy invited our cat onto the sofa and proceeded to annoy her. She tickled her paws and ears, held onto her tail and gently tugged her whiskers. Yes, Tammy is a grown woman. The cat signaled irritation and eventually growled, at which point Tammy backed off for a while, only to resume again later. I figured the cat could take care of herself and felt no need to intervene, but I did wonder why Tammy would provoke her. I prefer to inspire purrs than growls.
Later Tammy told us about how a relative’s cat had scratched her, and the relative was surprised since the cat had never done that before. “She hadn’t seen how I had provoked her,” Tammy confessed.
I like Tammy and I found her interaction with the cat to be baffling. It did make me wonder if she was deliberately provocative in her human interaction. However, I do respect the fact that she owned up to her teasing. Many people interact to provoke others and don’t even know they are doing it, or don’t admit it if they do.
The cat had four choices – she could stay, leave, complain or attack. When someone is provoking you, you have another choice. You can clarify. You can ask,
- Are you deliberately trying to provoke me?
I once told a friend, who had sent a questionable email to her boyfriend,
- It sounds to me like you’re trying to chase him away.
The point was well-taken.
A friend shifted a conversation about a misplaced item by calling attention to the subtext. She asked,
- Do you feel like I’m blaming you?
He did, but by clarifying his defensive reaction and her real intent, she moved the conversation in a more positive direction. I’m sure the cat would have loved to have been able to do that too. She might have said,
- Sitting next to you is pleasant, but I’d enjoy this much better if you wouldn’t tickle my paws and ears. It seems like you’re trying to provoke me, and I prefer to be able to relax with you. Can that be arranged?
It’s nice to be able to SpeakStrong, isn’t it?
Have a fabulous week.
December 14, 2006The Offer Is Open. I Won’t Argue If You Choose Not to Accept
Linda offered much needed help to her coworker, who responded with lame objections and flimsy reasons of why she had to do it alone. Linda felt set-up to listen to complaints and to attempt to talk her coworker into accepting her help. She chose not to go down that road, responding instead by saying,
- The offer is open. I won’t argue if you choose not to accept.
The coworker did not accept her help the first time she used this phrase, but after a few offers, she did.
December 14, 2006Anything to Make Your Job Easier
This Poison Phrase could be a PowerPhrase if it is spoken sincerely. Clarisse wasn’t sure which it was when a sales rep wanted to know how to place an order with her department. She said she would email him the form he needed to complete. His response was,
- Anything to make your job easier.
Clarisse found this harsh and responded with a somewhat nervous laugh. She could not tell if he was being sincere or rude. Filling out a request form helps ensure they create what the customer wants. In the long run it makes everyone’s life “easier” to have it in writing - and it makes everyone’s life easier when communication is clear.
December 14, 2006Do Administrative Assistants Have Rights?
Among my many responsibilities, I am considered the administrator in my group, and am asked to help my team members with different things like entering business cards and creating data bases. One acts like a boss who just dumps things on me. Do I have any rights to ask for favors from other team members, or as the administrative support, am I the one that helps out and doesn’t get to ask for help?
Meryl Responds
There are no rules, and it comes down to your job description and what you negotiate. It’s important for you to know what your priorities are so you can respond to requests appropriately and decline a request that interferes with your main priorities. If you are overloaded and a team member is not, it certainly makes sense that you ask for help.
In my book (literally) you have a right to be treated with respect, and you have a right to have your general workload considered when someone delegates to you. If that’s not happening, you can request that delegation take place in a more considerate way. For example, say,
I’m happy to help when you need it, but I’d rather be asked than told.
Also, reinforce any positive behavior you experience. For example, if your coworker delegates in a way that works better for you once, say, Hey, thanks for asking if I was busy before handing the work over. I appreciate that.
Positive reinforcement can be quite effective.
December 14, 2006Christmas Gift Exchange
My friend and I go around and around about Christmas presents each year. This year I told her I didn’t want to exchange gifts because I didn’t want for either of us to feel the pressure to pick the perfect item. Half an hour later she emailed me a link to a website for relaxation aids and told me to pick anything on it. She went on and on about how great a site it was, but I saw nothing I wanted there. In the past I would have picked something to avoid offending her, especially since she seemed so excited. This time I responded differently. I said, “You’re right, it is a great website and looking at it made me realize how I already have all the relaxation tools I need. Thanks for thinking of me. Let’s not give gifts this year.”
My friend said, “Okay,” and that was it.
December 7, 2006Staying Open When You Want to Shut Down
He knew it was just an exercise, but it was hard to listen anyway. Walking out wasn’t an option, so he retreated to his usual tactics of deflection. He stared at the floor and raised his voice a notch as he offered complex and incomprehensible justifications, tried to change the subject, and when that didn’t work, sought refuge in his own thoughts. Refuge from what? From feelings he had always been able to run from before, but not today. The group coaxed him back from every attempt to avoid the topic until he connected with what we were saying and he was feeling. This was a new beginning for a man who cared very much about the people in his life, but, like the rest of us, had developed habits of dancing around topics that held an emotional charge.
How do you deflect attempts to discuss a sensitive topic? Last weekend at my “eye-opening” retreat, we all became aware of what it means to react and what it means to respond – what it means to hide and what it means to be present for someone – what it means to be masked and what it means to be authentic. We discovered how great it can feel to let down our guard.
The things you don’t want to hear are usually the things you need to hear. The things you don’t want to feel are usually the things you need to feel. You’ll be surprised at what can happen when you embrace the world around you. Have a wonderfully open week.
