December 7, 2006Staying Open When You Want to Shut Down
He knew it was just an exercise, but it was hard to listen anyway. Walking out wasn’t an option, so he retreated to his usual tactics of deflection. He stared at the floor and raised his voice a notch as he offered complex and incomprehensible justifications, tried to change the subject, and when that didn’t work, sought refuge in his own thoughts. Refuge from what? From feelings he had always been able to run from before, but not today. The group coaxed him back from every attempt to avoid the topic until he connected with what we were saying and he was feeling. This was a new beginning for a man who cared very much about the people in his life, but, like the rest of us, had developed habits of dancing around topics that held an emotional charge.
How do you deflect attempts to discuss a sensitive topic? Last weekend at my “eye-opening” retreat, we all became aware of what it means to react and what it means to respond – what it means to hide and what it means to be present for someone – what it means to be masked and what it means to be authentic. We discovered how great it can feel to let down our guard.
The things you don’t want to hear are usually the things you need to hear. The things you don’t want to feel are usually the things you need to feel. You’ll be surprised at what can happen when you embrace the world around you. Have a wonderfully open week.
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I think I see myself in the article Meryl…but it just might be my imagination. One renewed Canadian has a lot of thanks to say to 6 wonderful people out there who I hope are reading the newsletter this week.
Comment by Heidi — December 7, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
I disagree a bit with what you are saying here. I understand and agree that there are times when we have to face unpleasant facts about ourselves and others, and we sometimes need help doing this.
Still, all too often, I have witnessed and experienced people saying something “for your own good” or so “you can grow as a person” that was actually not. I once suffered a great deal of anguish–and even despair–because of this. So much, in fact, that for many years I refused to listen to any personal comment someone wanted to make about me–even good ones! I was far too suspicious of the other person’s motives.
After many years of clawing my way back to self-esteem, I counsel extreme caution when entering situations like this. Make double- and triple-sure you are prepared for the possible consequences. Also, make sure you have the understanding and skills to handle any emotional fallout. In my case, I was left to “think it over”, which ultimately destroyed a once close relationship and brought me to the brink of a breakdown.
Be careful! Be very careful!
Comment by DLPoff — December 7, 2006 @ 1:12 pm
An internal dialogue I find useful it that “This is it and I am satisfied”. I habitually pretend that I can have a different set of circumstances than what I am currently having. I also habitually imagine and feel that my wife, coworkers and friends have different traits than what they have.
The truth is I must accept them for who they are at the moment and for me to nag them into what I think they should be is unrealistic. So whenever I find my daughter is doing something that is not wrong but I find irritating. I think to myself, I choose her taste in music or foods and I choose the way she is.
Like people say, when it is a matter of style, sway like the willow and when it’s a matter of principles stand like a rock. I confront emotionally charged issues when they relate to principles and I find the right timing and present it in the least provocative and aggressive manner possible. I often use myself and others as examples to try to get a point across so my words would get pass the listeners’ egos and be processed before they had a chance to jump up and hit it with a sledge hammer which have happened to me in the past.
Good luck!
Comment by Jerry Wang — December 7, 2006 @ 3:42 pm
I do agree with you, DL. I don’t believe in pushing too hard – it’s about balance. Finding that balance is tricky, and your point of caution should be well heeded.
I’ve had times when I’ve told people I’ll be better able to listen later because I know I need to shut down for a bit. (For example, my husband’s very helpful advice about how to avoid making the same mistake I just made again was hard to hear right after I just realized how I had blown it.) But I come back – unless I consciously chose not to reengage with that person, which happens occasionally.
However, I find that many people don’t know when they’re shutting down, and it’s good to recognize when we do. Habitual avoidance is worth uncovering and working through because it cuts us off from people and from life. I like to lean on the door of resistance – my own, friends’, and those who come to me for guidance – instead of blasting the door open. I attempt to lean in with love. It’s an “I know you’re in there and it’s safe to come out” approach – which of course means it indeed has to be safe once they (I) do admit what had been hidden.
Last week my retreat seminar group laughed at a bullet point in the workbook – “are there people in therapy trying to get over knowing you?” Two admitted they suspected there were. I don’t believe I’ve got anyone in that boat, but I am aware people defend their hearts for a reason and they can be tender as they drop their defenses. That must be respected. Tender hearts can grow strong enough to endure a careless world once they’ve been shared in safer environments. I claim no perfection, but respect that need and attempt to teach others to respect all disclosures as well.
I believe that being ABLE to be open to any topic and opinion is a worthy goal. We may sometimes chose not to stay open, but it’s different when we shut someone out by conscious choice rather that reaction. I also know that a tender sprout needs protection before it can face the weather. Openness is a skill that must be developed gradually. Thanks for an important comment and warning.
Heidi, the quote was you, but the example was a composite, you lovely renewed Canadian you!
Jerry, I love your posts. Your words are filled with wisdom. Please keep them coming.
Comment by merylrunion — December 13, 2006 @ 2:32 pm