December 14, 2006Communication Subtext

Filed under: This Week in the World by merylrunion |

It seemed bizarre to me. Tammy invited our cat onto the sofa and proceeded to annoy her. She tickled her paws and ears, held onto her tail and gently tugged her whiskers. Yes, Tammy is a grown woman. The cat signaled irritation and eventually growled, at which point Tammy backed off for a while, only to resume again later. I figured the cat could take care of herself and felt no need to intervene, but I did wonder why Tammy would provoke her. I prefer to inspire purrs than growls.

Later Tammy told us about how a relative’s cat had scratched her, and the relative was surprised since the cat had never done that before. “She hadn’t seen how I had provoked her,” Tammy confessed.

I like Tammy and I found her interaction with the cat to be baffling. It did make me wonder if she was deliberately provocative in her human interaction. However, I do respect the fact that she owned up to her teasing. Many people interact to provoke others and don’t even know they are doing it, or don’t admit it if they do.

The cat had four choices – she could stay, leave, complain or attack. When someone is provoking you, you have another choice. You can clarify. You can ask,

Are you deliberately trying to provoke me?

I once told a friend, who had sent a questionable email to her boyfriend,

It sounds to me like you’re trying to chase him away.

The point was well-taken.

A friend shifted a conversation about a misplaced item by calling attention to the subtext. She asked,

Do you feel like I’m blaming you?

He did, but by clarifying his defensive reaction and her real intent, she moved the conversation in a more positive direction. I’m sure the cat would have loved to have been able to do that too. She might have said,

Sitting next to you is pleasant, but I’d enjoy this much better if you wouldn’t tickle my paws and ears. It seems like you’re trying to provoke me, and I prefer to be able to relax with you. Can that be arranged?

It’s nice to be able to SpeakStrong, isn’t it?

Have a fabulous week.