December 21, 2006A Heartwarming Email
“I guess,” Tommy answered when I asked if he wanted me to explain how to use email. That’s what Tommy said when I asked him anything. I took it as a yes and helped him set up an account. Tommy is painfully shy, and as a result, painfully isolated. I thought if we emailed, it would provide him a connection to one human being at least.
For years I was the only person Tommy shared himself with, so his emails were long and detailed. It turned out that this man who stayed so silent had so much to say. My responses were shorter, but long enough to let him know his emails were welcome.
About two years ago, Tommy confessed to some disturbing attitudes. I was surprised to learn how much hatred he harbored, and was concerned that he fed his loathing by listening to a radio host who left him “churning in a pool of rage.”
Things change. Tommy sent me an email this week that provided me a lovely surprise. He wrote: “It’s strange but I just seem like a different person almost. I want to concentrate on being the nicest person I can be. To be happy and friendly as much as possible to everyone I see. I want to be remembered as a nice guy. So I try not to get angry at anyone. I really haven’t all year. Used to have so much anger at myself mostly. It all went away. I just feel at peace.”
I always knew that Tommy had a beautiful heart hidden beneath his wall of silence. I am delighted that he found it and that he shared it with me.
I believe in the basic goodness of people. That conviction is a part of the effectiveness of PowerPhrases. One of my favorite seminar evaluations from an onsite conflict resolution seminar stated, “Meryl brought out the goodness in us others thought we had lost. We feel good about working together again.” That was exactly what I had set out to do, and I was grateful that someone acknowledged it.
Sure, you may have to set boundaries and protect yourself at times from those who haven’t found their basic goodness yet, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And when you can draw it out, it benefits everyone.
Sometimes when you open up conversation, you’ll find things that aren’t pretty. But if you don’t let that shut you down, if you keep going, you’re likely to strike gold.
I don’t take credit for Tommy’s metamorphosis, but I take delight in it. I take delight any time someone stays open long enough to learn that the truth isn’t anything to hide from. It’s an honor to be present when someone finds their heart.
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The book “Boundaries” comes with a workbook that talks about setting boundaries with people around us. When people have boundary injuries, they wall up or become door matts. Jeffrey Dalmer walled up and became avoidant while others became compliant. The heart needs inflow and outflow. Our boundaries must open to let in the good and keep out the bad.
Listening to ohters provides space, freedom, and safety that allow them to overcome their boundary issues.
Peace to All in 2007.
Comment by Jerry Wang — December 21, 2006 @ 4:23 pm
This story is indeed heartwarming. Tommy has a whole new life ahead of him – how wonderful! Meryl, I’m sure your availability to him via e-mail was one of the seeds in his metamorphasis. Once a person is met where he/she is, they can move and grow.
Comment by Maryellen — December 22, 2006 @ 12:38 pm