January 4, 2007A Question Fast
“You’ve been asking a lot of questions today,” my husband remarked, sounding annoyed. I was taken aback and tempted to defend myself, but a second look suggested a different response. My questions were mostly unnecessary, he was busy and feeling overwhelmed, and my questions felt like an added burden at that time.
I have a habit of asking questions – who called – what are your plans – why are you having that for lunch – etc. Questioning can be a good habit, but like all habits, when overdone it’s a liability. I decided to apply some of my communication tools to become more aware of what I was doing and to change the pattern.
I committed to a one day question fast – to go for a day without asking my husband a single question. In the course of the day, I was amazed by how many impulses I had to ask questions. I refrained from asking most of them, there were a few I had to ask, and a few slipped in surreptitiously, but overall it was a lovely, harmonious, question-free day.
I’m back to asking questions, but not so many.
What communication habits do you have that don’t serve you? Perhaps you’ll want to go for a day without criticizing, using sarcasm, or self-deprecation. My husband once had a day where he decided to agree with everything I said. I had no idea he was doing it – I only knew we were getting along great.
If you decide to have your own speech-habit fast, tell me how it goes, will you?
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I too ask way too many questions! I will take the “question fast” for a day and see the results! love your newsletter!
Comment by Kathy — January 4, 2007 @ 3:26 pm
Right before reading this, my buddy mentioned he will go along with everything his father says and wants him to do. He thinks this will help to restore his father’s self-esteem and subdue his own arrogance, pride, and ego.
I embarked on a fast of “judgements” which will definitely impact my speech. If you are with me, send me well wishes. If you think this idea foolish, wish my good luck. Thank you.
Comment by Jerry Wang — January 4, 2007 @ 5:26 pm
Dear Meryl:
I understand this situation from a different perspective. My husband is an engineer. He speaks rarely and succinctly. The only way I have any idea what is going on in his head or on his schedule is to ask questions. Often, I must figure out exactly the correct question to elicit the desired response, or he is simply unable to connect my question to an appropriate answer. He’s a great guy, but communication is on his need-to-know basis. The rest he experiences as trivial. He is not responsible for coordinating the personal or scheduling needs of others, in our family or at work. He does not naturally attend to interpersonal needs, so it is difficult for him to see how what he thinks or does matters to others. I would not describe this behavior as self-centered. He’s just kind of self-contained. Therefore, questions are imperative, because he never volunteers any information.
Comment by Hayley Foster — January 4, 2007 @ 6:15 pm
Haley, I had to request that my husband at least grunt to acknowledge that I said something, so I am familiar with the quiet type. My post was about my tendency to intrude further than I needed to, and particularly at a time when he’s feeling overwhelmed in general. There have been times when my ability to draw my guy out with appropriate questions has been one of my greatest gifts to him. So the same quality which is a blessing in some situations is a curse when overdone. Only you know if your questions are beneficial to your relationship or not. I would never tell you to stop asking questions.
I read a book once called “Men Are Like Clams, Women are Like Crowbars.”
Sometimes the clams clam up all the more when they see a crowbar coming. I think it all boils down to whether you’re acting from choice or from habit, and whether what you do is working or not.
Comment by merylrunion — January 11, 2007 @ 10:29 am
Hi Meryl,
I read this column last week and gave it some thought at the time, but put it on the back burner. Over the weekend when I found myself frustrated while trying to schedule some activities for the upcoming week with my husband, I stopped and thought about what my side of the “conversation” sounded like. The only thing missing from the “interrogation” was the metal stool and the high intensity light. I apologized to him and asked for a do-over. I started with the purpose of the conversation and asked him what he thought. Then I listened. I was amazed at the difference in the result of this approach vs. my usual questioning “assault”. I got the info I needed and we enjoyed the opportunity to connect.
Comment by Cindy Mueller — January 11, 2007 @ 1:13 pm
Complaint fast. What a brilliant idea!
I stop being a victim, needy, helpless, upset, weak, vulnearable when I stop complaining. To say the soultions and the preventative steps put me in charge.
Also, “The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind Set” book says that complaining, blaming, and justifying are not millionaire habits.
Comment by Jerry Wang — January 11, 2007 @ 1:43 pm