I stop being a victim, needy, helpless, upset, weak, vulnearable when I stop complaining. To say the soultions and the preventative steps put me in charge.

Also, “The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind Set” book says that complaining, blaming, and justifying are not millionaire habits.

I read this column last week and gave it some thought at the time, but put it on the back burner. Over the weekend when I found myself frustrated while trying to schedule some activities for the upcoming week with my husband, I stopped and thought about what my side of the “conversation” sounded like. The only thing missing from the “interrogation” was the metal stool and the high intensity light. I apologized to him and asked for a do-over. I started with the purpose of the conversation and asked him what he thought. Then I listened. I was amazed at the difference in the result of this approach vs. my usual questioning “assault”. I got the info I needed and we enjoyed the opportunity to connect.

I read a book once called “Men Are Like Clams, Women are Like Crowbars.”
Sometimes the clams clam up all the more when they see a crowbar coming. I think it all boils down to whether you’re acting from choice or from habit, and whether what you do is working or not.

I understand this situation from a different perspective. My husband is an engineer. He speaks rarely and succinctly. The only way I have any idea what is going on in his head or on his schedule is to ask questions. Often, I must figure out exactly the correct question to elicit the desired response, or he is simply unable to connect my question to an appropriate answer. He’s a great guy, but communication is on his need-to-know basis. The rest he experiences as trivial. He is not responsible for coordinating the personal or scheduling needs of others, in our family or at work. He does not naturally attend to interpersonal needs, so it is difficult for him to see how what he thinks or does matters to others. I would not describe this behavior as self-centered. He’s just kind of self-contained. Therefore, questions are imperative, because he never volunteers any information.

I embarked on a fast of “judgements” which will definitely impact my speech. If you are with me, send me well wishes. If you think this idea foolish, wish my good luck. Thank you.