January 11, 2007An End to Hugs
My husband has a female co-worker that every time she sees me (which is 2 or 3 times a week) she hugs me when she says hi and bye. I do not want her to hug me anymore because I’m not the hugging type and I do not consider her a friend. It has been going on for about 3 months and I want to say something but I do not really know how to say it without hurting her feelings, she is really sensitive. Please help thank you.
Meryl Responds
This is a tough call since this has been going on for a while. And she might take it personally no matter how you mention it. If she does, that’s her choice, of course. I suggest you say,
Name, would you be offended if we said goodbye instead of hugging? I appreciate you making me feel so welcome when I visit, but I’m not the hugging type.
I chose words A) to acknowledge her for something, B) to pre-call the possibility of her being offended and C) to suggest an alternative rather than just saying what you don’t want. (Avoid saying, “don’t hug me.”) You may choose to acknowledge her differently - for something else - and you may decide to ask for a different kind of good-bye than the one I suggested.
I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
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I had two thoughts to this. One, I thought maybe you could hint around that it’s cold and flu season and for that reason, you are not hugging. Most people seem considerate and understanding when you explain that the safeguard is for their health as well as your own. It may seem like a silly white lie, but perhaps it may buy you more time as you try to evade the hugging.
My second thought is — life is short. It’s just a hug and it’s over just as soon as it begins.
I, too, am not a hugger but I am trying to embrace (ha ha) the thought that some people are naturally affectionate people. I am not one of them, and I too sometimes cringe when I anticipate a hug is coming from someone I’m not close to.
My close friend, however, has a two-year-old son who I love to hug! It struck me that someday he too will cringe from my hugs…the same way I did (when I was little) when I was told “Go hug your Auntie goodbye.” I now see how much the other person really enjoys a hug. So, it’s changed my outlook a little. Just remember how good it is making that other person feel and maybe it’ll change your view too.
Comment by Susan — January 11, 2007 @ 1:07 pm
I can empathize with both sides of this issue. I am a person who gives, sometimes a bit too freely, hugs and I appreciate a good hug back. Part of this issue, I have found, is meeting the person 1/2 way and come to an understanding. In the past, when faced with this dilemma, I have found a degree of success when I have taken the initiative to ask if “they do hugs”. I have found this opens the door for communication and if they are comfortable with a hug, this gives them permission and find they then initiate the hug/contact. If they are not comfortable with it, I acknowledge their response, and offer a handshake instead, (which is generally accepted as a universal greeting without fear of “invading the other person’s space.)
A suggestion to handle the next time you meet her; subtly use body language. If you were to stand at an angle to your husband’s co-worker instead of face on, this may give you an opportunity to slow her down in her gesture. When she starts to go into “hug” mode, offer your hand in a handshake and politely tell her that you appreciate her hospitality when you visit, and that you are not the huggy type. This could bridge the gap for you in that if you are still offering your hand, this would provide a physical contact, minimal for you and yet still connecting for her. As you are shaking her hand, this is when you can state your preferences for greetings and salutations. By looking her straight in the eye, with a smile and holding her hand, she will hopefully take the message in a professional manner and realize that this is an appropriate style of greeting in this given situation.
Realize that you need to take the initiative to deal with this situation, in a positive, enlightening manner. The longer you let it persist, the more resentment will build, and it will come out at a time when you may not be able to control the harm.
Good Luck.
Comment by Rosemary — January 28, 2007 @ 11:50 pm