February 8, 2007Weight Comments
Meryl,
I am in my late fifties, overweight, and doing something about it, which is not anyone’s business but mine unless I choose to share. Stairs are challenging to me; I often get out of breath, especially if I take them too fast, and sometimes my knees hurt. I usually avoid them when possible. This morning, in the interest of fitness, I decided to take the stairs up two floors instead of the elevator. There was no one on the staircase, and I was moving at a pace that was comfortable for me. It was leisurely but not excessively slow. I was not huffing and puffing, gasping, or showing any signs of difficulty or distress. I wasn’t blocking the staircase either – I’m not that big.
I was actually feeling good about being able to climb stairs without too much discomfort or difficulty, when a woman coworker entered the staircase about half a flight below me. She said to me, jokingly, “Keep walking. Keep walking.” I paused and said “Excuse me?” She repeated, “Keep walking. Keep walking.” I replied “I was just thinking how nice it was to go at my own pace without being rushed.” She replied “Don’t worry. It will get better” – implying that I wanted to go faster but couldn’t. While her words and tone were pleasant, and perhaps she only meant to be friendly, I felt patronized. I felt it was rude that she even made a comment. We are acquaintances, not good friends; she doesn’t know me well enough to joke with me about my physical condition. How could I have responded to regain my dignity and let her know that I prefer to decide for myself how fast to walk?
Meryl Responds
I agree, she lacked tact. And I also agree she probably meant to be friendly and had no idea her words were not encouraging.
Personally I would think the most dignified response would be to let it go. Or you could have said,
I believe your intent is to encourage me, but I do need to tell you I feel very good about what I’m doing.
Hey, congrats for taking the stairs. Readers?
You don’t have to put up with put downs. My book PowerPhrases lists numerous phrases to deal with side swipes, sarcasm and digs.
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Thank you stair-walker. I often see “heavy” folks in the stairwell and I’m not sure if I should make some positive comment.
Now I see the very best thing to do is make appropriate eye contact and say “Hi”. The rest of it is none of my business.
Comment by Rodney — February 8, 2007 @ 10:06 am
I’ve heard similar comments as I lost weight, actually. “Goodness, you’re so skinny” – or the like. Comments that really didn’t sound like a compliment.
My answer would be a three-second stare, followed by a small smile and “I’ll take that comment the way I’m sure it was intended, and say ‘thank you.’”
In most cases, this gets a smile and an apology (and clarification that they really DID mean it in a positive manner!)
Comment by BAM — February 8, 2007 @ 10:23 am
I think she may have been trying to be friendly, and I personally would appreciate if you could keep me in line by saying “I believe your intent is to encourage me, but I do need to tell you I feel very good about what I’m doing.” this is very direct and maybe it would teach me a few things on tactfulness.
We all need help
Comment by Diana Reid — February 8, 2007 @ 11:28 am
I completely disagree with your advice to this woman regarding the unwanted weight comment.
With all respect, I think you are showing a similar kind of patronizing that this woman is complaining about. You tell her to let it go and then congratulate her on taking the stairs, thus offering a similar comment that she was complaining about. She doesn’t really need your congratulations does she?
What bothers me is that we live in a culture where everyone is supposed to
WANT to be thin and those that aren’t are expected to put up with insults that would never pass in this otherwise “politically correct” culture. It is important for those who have been putting up with unwanted comments to stand up for themselves, not only in the service of their own self-esteem but to educate people about how intrusive and presumptuous others seem to think they are entitled to be.
I might have said “I know you think you are being helpful, but your comments are insulting. Then let her apologize profusely, at which point I’d graciously accept her apologies.
I also found it fascinating that the very next sentence in your e-mail was for your book that offers phrases to deal with side swipes, sarcasm and digs. Please think about your own attitudes on this issue and thanks for letting me be so direct with you!
Karen
Denver
Comment by Karen — February 10, 2007 @ 10:57 am
BAM – I love your refinement of the phrase I offered.
Comment by merylrunion — February 11, 2007 @ 11:12 am
Karen-
Thanks for showing me how my words came across. My congratulations on her taking the stairs had nothing to do with her weight. In my private email to her I mentioned a seminar I led at the IRS where every single attendee walked right past the elevator to the stairs. My observation was about how rare that is for anyone. I have a strong bias toward health and a strong bias against elevators when stairs are an option. I’m with you that the obsession with being skinny is one of the most health damaging cultural influences in society today. Perhaps “congratulations” wasn’t the best word choice, but it was not intended as a weight related comment.
I can see how the way I wrote my post could make the comment sound patronizing and weight related. Which, I believe illustrates the point that whenever there are sensitive issues, it’s easy for people to put their feet in their mouths despite the best intentions, and it is helpful to give the benefit of the doubt as we educate others about how points are taken.
I once keynoted for the hearing impaired, and I was quite nervous because I feared I would say or do things that were not appropriate for this group out of cluelessness. I shared that fear with my audience and asked that they partner with me – and everyone else who makes mistakes due to lack of understanding – rather than taking offense and responding harshly. Most everyone got the point and was very gracious about the errors I did in fact make.
Thanks again for your comment and the opportunity to clarify. My apologies to anyone who took my comments to be offensive.
Comment by merylrunion — February 11, 2007 @ 11:41 am
Thanks for your response to my comment and for posting it.
I wrote you a different one when the site was temporarily on the blink and noticed that I found a better way to disagree the second time around as well. I’m glad that was the one that was posted. It’s another good example of how this is an on-going process and is always enlightening.
I think what you did with the hearing impaired was terrific and I’m sure they appreciated being so involved in the process. The service you provide to discuss truthfulness and communication is incredibly useful.
I’d also like to add that I rarely agree with our current “political correctness”. It requires collective answers to very individual questions.
This was a good example of taking responsibility for our own communication.
Thanks!
Karen
Comment by Karen — February 11, 2007 @ 11:52 am
Karen, thanks for catching what I think is the main point of all this – ongoing dialog. That way we can find out if we’re really on opposite sides of the fence or if we’re dealing with communication limitations and if we’re dealing with malicious intent or cluelessness. As you said in your earlier post, it’s about education.
By the way, if you ever want me to delete a post, let me know. It may not happen the same day, but it will almost certainly happen before the next newsletter.
Comment by merylrunion — February 11, 2007 @ 12:04 pm
Fortunately for me, I have thin genes. If a few words of smiling encouragement can so easily be taken as offensive, this post makes me feel like I’d better not say anything to anyone. Or…. well, exxxxcuuuse me! (Is that a poison phrase?)
Comment by Diana R — February 12, 2007 @ 5:42 pm
I would also like to let the overweight person who thinks his/her size is no one’s business but his/her own know that that is not the case. The tendency in our country for people to overeat and take elevators ends up affecting my paycheck as I see the cost of insurance go higher and higher. It IS my business.
Comment by Diana R — February 12, 2007 @ 6:10 pm
If I let myself get triggered every time I saw someone who is not taking the kind of care of themselves I think they should, I’d be in a medical condition myself from the stress. Yes, I also end up paying for it even in a more direct way – for example I may attend a conference where the fees are set to cover food and drinks that I won’t touch. I’d rather respond with acceptance and compassion when it is something I can’t influence. Plus I’ve had enough struggles in my life to have some idea of what other people struggle with.
I overcame my addiction to drugs in my twenties and I overcame my addiction to sugar in my thirties. I overcame my addiction to relationships in my forties and I am working now to overcome my addiction to shopping as evidenced by my closet containing more clothes than I can wear. My struggles have usually been more hidden than those who struggle with obesity. I have never felt the lure of alcohol or tobacco – which is something I feel more gratitude about than pride.
As a natural health consultant my husband has several clients who are working on weight management. Some have come to him in desperation believing they have tried everything. Once they have their bloodwork taken, analyzed and explained, and once they follow a protocol that is designed for their specific blood imbalances, things change. But most people struggle with misunderstandings and a culture that undermines their success without the benefit of knowledge.
Here’s one example. The authors of the book You on a Diet talk about how fructose turns off the mechanism that tells your body you are full. Think about that – fructose is all around us – and it actually creates hunger instead of satiation. That is one simple example of how we are set up to fail in this area. Add to that the fact that the favored substance for today is the enemy tomorrow, or vice versa. (coconut oil was a no no for years and then became a diet fad for weight loss) It’s no wonder we struggle.
I don’t want any of us to have to tiptoe around each other’s issues, but I also know that we cannot know what others go through. I did not overcome my drug addiction by being judged, I overcame it by practicing meditation twice a day instead. I did not overcome my sugar addition by people shaming me, I overcame it by adding protein to my diet. I overcame my relationship addiction by expanding my professional identity and I think the key to my shopping addiction will be developing my style and my wardrobe management skills.
I understand the impulse not to speak because anything can be taken as offensive. I say keep talking and supporting others in the best way we know how – and staying open to learning when our best intentions are taken in a way we did not intend.
Comment by merylrunion — February 14, 2007 @ 2:53 pm
Having said something like this more than once and not being skinny, I find this discussion interesting. (I said something like this most recently climbing a 5,000 ft vacano in HW – which everyone wholeheartly agreed) When I have said this it was to show support, partnership, realism, that I too am struggling – too state the obvious of my lack of physical condition. Just because we do take the stair doesn’t mean it’s easy for any of us. Even if we are in shape it’s still a “work out”, that why we’re doing it, to gain the benefit.
So my question is how does one be real, positive and their self? Humor and support is like beauty, it depends on the person. I find a hard balance of speaking one’s mind and balancing the other’s feelings. I’m not responsible for their issues. I use to spend so much time hashing out what I was going to say, that I never said anything. Experience has taught me anything said positively can be taken negatively by anyone. Am I responsible for their issues? I don’t believe I’ am. Where is the line of responsiblity in communication? I personally find anything that triggers my emotions is typically my issue. And it’s up to me to address my issue. I may not have much control of somethings, but I do have control over my response to the situation. Which in this case could be dewelling on the comment, or not taking the stairs, binge eating etc… I think the person making the comment would be hurt to know the comment caused one person to stop doing something they wanted to do. Also playing devils adovcate, how does one’s own perception of thinner people feed into the feelings surrounding the comment? We all carry prejudices of the opposite body weight. Food for thought.
Comment by Kathy — February 15, 2007 @ 12:31 pm
I want to express my appreciation for your response to Diana R. My suggestion is that she try to be a little less judgemental when she is not in possession of the facts of another persons situation. I know others who are always very willing to share with anyone overweight the “Well, I’ve never had a weight problem” in the tone that implies your weight is a character flaw. I too had “thin genes” for most of my life, then fate took a hand. I developed a thyroid condition (medically diagnosed, not imagination) as well as a physical condition causing chronic pain 24/7. I deplore the weight I have gained and it is a constant battle, one I seem to be loosing. It is always on my mind everyday when I dress, look in the mirror, see clothes that I once would have eagerly bought. But before you rant against the imposition caused you by my being overweight consider this: I still hold down a full-time job. I am seldom out because of illness. There are days it is all I can do to walk and taking the stairs is not an option. I take the stairs down most days and up, although slowly, when I can. I still function as normally as possible and if you meet me in the elevator, you will never know I have pain. I work hard to maintain that impression. Outside of some of my immediate co-workers, no one else knows about my condition. So, while I may be overweight, you are not paying for me to be on disability, my healthcare costs, or any other aspect of my life. I am not alone. There are many other people like me and Meryl whose struggles, while not visible, are deeply challenging. Perhaps a moment of reflection on how fortunate you are to have thin genes and to be healthy enough to be as active as you want to be might be in order. I was once in your shoes. I hope you are never in mine. The compassion you show others you may one day need yourself.
Comment by Connie — February 15, 2007 @ 12:44 pm
Connie said: “I know others who are always very willing to share with anyone overweight the “Well, I’ve never had a weight problem” in the tone that implies your weight is a character flaw. I too had “thin genes” for most of my life, then fate took a hand. I developed a thyroid condition (medically diagnosed, not imagination)…”
Now who’s being judgmental, Connie? “Normal values” are based on the measurements of thyroid levels in many people. They do not bother to see if any of the “normals” are in fact in good health. Just because someone’s thyroid condition is not “medically diagnosed” does not mean that it is “imagination.” We also do not know what each individual’s optimal thyroid level is.
Let’s all stop bashing each other, ok? I have a weight problem due to things like a 20-year Lyme disease infection, depression, etc. I don’t appreciate it when people like Connie decide that the lack of a medical diagnosis means my problems are all imaginary, and therefore, getting back to a character flaw. I would far rather be overweight than overbearing and judgmental!
Comment by Sharon Campbell — February 18, 2007 @ 1:19 pm
I believe Sharon mistook my meaning so perhaps I should have expressed myself more clearly. My comment was in no way meant to be judgmental of anyone… for any reason. Perhaps using the thyroid was a poor choice as an example. The reason I added the “medically diagnosed” phrase was actually to stave off the type of reactions I have encounter and have noticed others receive. It certainly was not meant to be judgemental nor to be an opinion of anyone’s medical conditions. Rather, to simply remind all of us that things are not always what they seem. I guess it was presumtious to assume everyone has encountered the same attitudes I have.
I can only hope I didn’t sound the same way when I was still thin. (Yep, the memory is going, but I can still remember some of those days). I certainly never understood the actual struggle my mother and my aunt, among other relatives, were going through. If I had, I would have tried to be much more supportive than I probably was for it is certainly a case of “if you hae never been there, you can’t really understand”. At least it was for me. I thought it was all about self control and not eating as much. Well, it sort of is and it sort of isn’t as I learned. For one thing, when I gave up smoking, I could walk away and stay away from cigarettes. Oh, if only I could do the same thing for food!
I really liked some of Kathy’s comments which are, indeed, food for thought. I think humor helps deal with a lot of my issue’s much easier. But as Kathy said, it is often not interpreted the same for everyone. I suppose one could err on the side of caution and perhaps base comments on how well you know the person. I normally use humor directed at myself and my “challenges” since I am very much aware of what they are. Sometimes it even helps me to put them in clearer perspective. The reminder that we cannot hold ourselves responsible for everyone’s issues was well timed. I doubt anyone has gone through life without making the occasional ill-timed comment. It may be naive, but I still prefer to believe most people do not intend to be unkind or judgmental in their conversation with us. Some do, but generally we already know who they are.
Meryl, good luck with the shopping addiction and wardrobe management!
PS. I know a super website that deals with wardrobe planning and management. I still need to read all the info and get crackin’, though.
Comment by Connie — February 26, 2007 @ 10:58 am
Now I understand power phrases a bit better, as I see where I can apply them here. Too many of these responses are too long.
I’ve struggled with my weight for over 90% of my life.
I feel devalued when people make rude comments about my weight, exercising, or clothes.
I am very sympathetic with others who are trying like I am to be more healthy.
I feel much better about myself when I ignore comments from otherwise good people who are not capable of understanding weight problems.
I don’t believe that anyone who is of “normal” or “ideal” weight even has the capability to fathom how tough it is to understand those of us who do.
Comment by Marti — February 27, 2007 @ 4:05 pm
Thanks Marti. You are completely correct that no one knows what someone else’s struggle is like, and those who have been there need to educate those who haven’t. You phrases are welcome and appreciated.
Kathy, if you’re referring to Diana Pemberton-Sikes wardrobe magic, I’m already a fan. If you’re referring to something else, I’d love to visit the site. And, Connie, kudos for suggesting that you weren’t clear when your comment was taken in a different way than intended. I wish more people would respond rather than react when challenged on something they say.
Comment by merylrunion — March 1, 2007 @ 12:29 pm
Thanks, Connie. Glad to know you didn’t intend what I perceived. If everyone could actually communicate with those who inadvertently offened them, the world would be a much nicer place!
Comment by Sharon Campbell — March 2, 2007 @ 4:26 pm
In response to Connie’s comments: “I too had “thin genes” for most of my life, then fate took a hand. I developed a thyroid condition as well as a physical condition causing chronic pain 24/7.”
Oh boy, I sure can empathise with you on this issue Connie. I also developed a thyroid problem and put on 3 1/2 stone in 10 months which I have never been able to shake no matter how much I haved dieted or exercised. Unfortunately, I became ill later with another health problem which I also inherited (along with the thyroid problem) and my energy levels rarely rise above “able to stay awake”. I live for the days when I have a little extra energy and then I go crazy, running around doing all those jobs I don’t usually have the energy for. This also means that I rarely have the energy to get out and exercise as much as I’d wish to.
Our society seems to be becoming more like George Orwell’s depiction of the future, where a “Big Brother” type government tells people how to run their lives. Now while I can understand that the health organisations and governments want to improve people’s health, it seems to be in danger of tipping too far in the Big Brother direction.
Since putting on weight, I have been treated to discrimination from various sources including employers, and now I am starting to feel discriminated against by these bigger organisations, and subsequently by a society which is being told that being an overweight person means that somehow I’ve become disgusting.
What I find really sad is the fact that I was once one of those thin people who really didn’t understand what it was like for those who struggled with weight. I never mocked overweight people, I just simply didn’t understand.
And now that I’ve been on both sides – I like the person I have become, someones who is more sympathetic and compassionate towards others. If only there was an easier way for all of us to gain understanding and compassion and to encourage each other more readily.
Comment by Vicki — March 8, 2007 @ 5:22 pm
I’ve been following this dialog and while my feathers were ruffled when it as suggested my remarks came across as judgemental, I haven’t rejoined the “debate” — had nothing more to add. Today, however, since my “thin genes” remark seems to have hit a nerve, I’d like to bring to this discussion the discomfort I feel when an overweight woman seems to hate me for no apparent reason other than my struggles are different from hers. Comments?
Comment by Diana R — March 9, 2007 @ 10:05 am
Diana R, I’ll say that I heard that remark as showing awareness that others have different crosses to bear and you speak as someone who hasn’t been there. That appropriately qualifies your comments but in no way invalidates them.
Comment by merylrunion — March 14, 2007 @ 8:20 am