February 8, 2007Please Let Me Tell You What I’m Afraid Of
Every time Samantha wanted to talk about her breast cancer, Carrie cut her off with positive, make-nice reassurances. Samantha stopped her by saying,
- Please let me tell you what I’m afraid of.
Carrie stopped resisting and Samantha was able to have a much-needed conversation.
Learn to ask for what you want in PowerPhrases: The Perfect Words to Say it Right and Get the Results You Want http://www.speakstrong.com/store.html
9 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post.
| TrackBack URI
You can also bookmark
this on del.icio.us or check the cosmos
This story is rather incomplete and not a great demonstration of appropriate use of power phrases.
Why did Samantha think that Carrie was the correct recipient of her confidences?
If Carrie was in a position where she needed to understand Samantha’s fears because she could do something about it (supervisor, prayer partner, hospice worker), then this is an appropriate use of a power phrase.
If Carrie was only a coworker, neighbor, or someone else who had no real need to understand, then this looks like she was just manipulating Carrie into listening. Sometimes when people go through traumatic situations, they dump on everyone who comes within earshot. Samantha should choose her confidants carefully, and be more sensitive to those who really don’t want to listen.
Also, what was Carrie’s background? Maybe her mother, sister, aunt, or grandmother had breast cancer. Maybe listening to Samantha stirred up unpleasant memories that she just didn’t care to relive, especially if she had no real ties to Samantha.
Which situation was this?
Comment by Kay — February 8, 2007 @ 10:59 am
Carrie was Samantha’s best friend and Samantha needed to get real rather than make happy talk. Even if it wasn’t such an intimate friendship, however, I think we are always entitled to ask for the kind of support we want and the person asked is entitled to let us know if they are not comfortable with what we are asking for. I always favor dialog - and while we do want to be sensitive to other people’s issues, it’s not our job to guess if asking that our needs be met will trigger them.
Comment by merylrunion — February 14, 2007 @ 3:09 pm
This story stirs up uncomfortable feelings. If someone I know and care about is terribly sick, I feel compelled to “make things right.” Totally irrational - I know that. But in this situation where I’m feeling powerless and my loved one is hurting, the sensation to say something, anything is overwhelming. I can feel the pressure inside building, threatening to explode and it seems like the only release is through my mouth.
I think Carrie’s response is speaks more to her need to escape the reality of Samantha’s situation. I think the words she spoke are her attempt to “erase” the bad situation. Thankfully, Samantha was able to overlook the blurt and work through the conversation they needed to have. Now I know that I have something to say that makes sense: Tell me what you’re afraid of.
Thanks again, Meryl!
Comment by Cindy Mueller — February 15, 2007 @ 12:54 pm
I think that Kay takes a very rude and unfeeling position. If the person does not care to listen to what really makes Samantha afraid, then they don’t have the right to give “happy talk”. If you feel “close” enough to engage in happy talk, then as a empathetic human being you should be adult enough to listen to and really hear what Samantha, or any hurting person has to say. If you are cold hearted and unfeeling, then simply don’t engage in this kind of conversation. If your life is so busy that you cannot show human kindness then I feel that is your problem, not the hurting person’s problem.
Comment by Robin — February 16, 2007 @ 9:03 am
I wouldn’t call Kay’s position rude as much as protective. And I suspect she’s had a few conversations with people who do want to dump. But I also agree with Robin. If you engage in conversation going through a difficult time, it’s important to be open to what they need.
Comment by merylrunion — February 21, 2007 @ 3:36 pm
Actually, my first comment was an attempt to identify what the situation was. The original story does not state that Carrie and Samantha were best friends. In fact, it says nothing about their relationship.
There are three possible situations.
1) Carrie had a responsibility to Samantha. She’s a family member, best friend, counselor, spiritual advisor, etc. Samantha should be commended for using a Power Phrase in getting the support she needs.
2) Carrie has a weak connection to Samantha, and has no obligation to her. In this case, Samantha was acting like someone are who seems to think that anyone she meets or works with should give her emotional support. If Carrie had no obligation to Samantha, she had every right to just “make happy talk” and refuse to get sucked into Samantha’s vortex of emotional need.
3) Other people are on the border. Friends, but not best friends, closer coworkers, neighbors, who might not have the personal strength or desire to deal with Samantha’s illness. This might be someone with too many issues of his/her own, someone with bad memories of other loved ones who died of cancer, or someone who is more private and just is unwilling to have a deeper relationship with Samantha.
For those of you who thought that I was uncaring, that’s not true. But my guess is that all of us have worked with or known people who were in the center of huge emotional vortexes and who tried to get support from everyone arounf them. If that had been the situation here, then Samantha was out of line demanding a deeper relationship with Carrie.
I’d like to see some Power Phrases for the two possibilities for being asked for inappropriate support - 1) when someone inappropriately tries to pull you into their life, and 2) when personal weaknesses are such that you just can’t provide what the other person needs - a good gentle way to redirect those folks.
(And as an aside, I am a trained lay counselor, and I’ve seen how needy people can reach out inappropriately and destroy good relationships.)
Comment by Kay — February 23, 2007 @ 10:19 am
Good point Kay. I recently talked to a vendor whose husband has cancer and I was very happy to offer support in the outset having been there myself, but when it went on for a long time it felt inappropriate. I’d never met the woman and I was calling to engage her services. I suggested some places she could go for a more qualified ear than mine and brought the topic back to my needs.
BTW, I’ve had people tell me they can’t listen to me complain about my ex for the thousandth time after a break-up, and I’ve told people that I didn’t want to go down a certain path with them.
So phrases -
* I don’t believe i can give you what you need here, and I encourage you to talk to ___
* This is a topic I find difficult to discuss. I hope you won’t take it personally when I tell you I’m not ready to go into this.
I bet you could offer a few ideas too!
Meryl
http://www.speakstrong.com
Comment by merylrunion — March 1, 2007 @ 12:39 pm
Wow. This topic really touched some nerves apparently, and for me too. I am in my fifties. My family apparently has a strain of “Rescuer-itis” which it took me years to identify, and (mostly) overcome. It took me years to experience enough and mature enough to recognize the “vortex” people, if I can borrow from Kay. There is a distinct difference in the “vibe” of someone who really just needs a kind touch or word, or empathetic ear; and someone who needs an audience for their oft repeated staging of a “show” about their turbulent, troubled, or tragic life. And believe it or not, a personal cancer story can fall into either category. It becomes my/our job to learn to recognize the difference, and respond accordingly. My response when I am pressed into an area too uncomfortable or off limits for me? “I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. If it was me, I would have to be talking to a professional ____________.”
At the other end of the spectrum, I’ve found that if I am really emotionally close to someone who is going through something difficult, I don’t hesitate to go there with them. Even to the point of experienceing my own uncomfortable emotions. Maybe Carrie wasn’t there yet with Samantha, even though they were “best” friends. In that situation, deciding to experience my own uncomfortable emotions, in the context of empathizing with a friend, I think tends to deepen the friendship. Likewise, deciding NOT to go there I think tends to set limits on the relationship, maybe indefinitely. So I have to think about whether serving my fear of feeling those uncomfortable feelings is more important than serving my wishes for where I want the particular relationship to “live.”
Comment by Kathleen — March 3, 2007 @ 9:20 am
My new personal goal is to not become an “emotional vortex”, sucking energy and support from those around me. Thank you, Kay!!!!
Comment by Cindy Mueller — March 8, 2007 @ 3:12 pm