February 21, 2007A Caustic Coworker
Meryl,
A new coworker puts me down and laughs it off as if it’s a joke. She bad-mouths me to others. She tries to make herself look good and me look bad. My supervisors talked to her once and it helped for a while but it didn’t last. They say I’m being too sensitive. Should I FACE the problem with her?
Meryl Responds
Nip the problem of how she talks to coworkers by asking them not to indulge but to suggest that she speak to you directly when it happens. Get some phrases ready for when she makes the comments around you. Say things like, “Ouch,” or “Ouch, that hurts,” or “(Name), be nice”. Or say, “That sounded like a dig. Was it?” When she says it was a joke, tell her you don’t enjoy jokes at your expense and leave it at that. Say something like that every time. Or say,
I know your intent is to be amusing, but I would enjoy our interactions more if I didn’t feel like you are taking pot-shots at me.
You could even say,
I feel defensive around you and I’d like to work with you to figure out how we can change that.
If this doesn’t work, you may have to have a larger discussion with her, but I’d start here.
Regarding being too sensitive, who can really say what is an appropriate level of sensitivity? I sometimes suggest that people let things go, but since this is an ongoing situation, I would love to see you learn to stand up for yourself in the moment. Just stay out of the combative mindset and stay open to the possibility that she is unaware of how she comes across and just might respond to a gentle request for better behaviors.
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I had this exact problem with a co-worker for about 2 years. Each time it happened I would get so angry and usually retort with a poison phrase, and feel really bad afterwards that I’d reacted that way. My co-worker thrived on this “result”. After reading this newsletter, I realised there was a better way to handle it.
I had practised a phrase to say, but the next time it happened I completely forgot to use it. I was so angry I was shaking. I left my desk, went to calm down with a cup of tea and when I returned I asked him to come and talk to me when he was free. When he arrived at my desk, I said to him “XXX, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but sometimes you talk to me in a very condescending manner. The next time you talk to me like that, I will not respond until you treat me with respect”.
He was apologetic and said he did not realise he talked to me in that way (though I find this hard to believe). Anyway, that was over 6 months ago now, and he has never spoken to me like that since. Our working relationship is much improved and I have great confidence in knowing I have the power to ensure I am treated with respect.
Comment by Pam — March 6, 2007 @ 7:31 pm
Pam, this is a great success story! Tell me where to send a Pippi Award!
Comment by merylrunion — March 8, 2007 @ 8:19 am
My coworker is caustic an a slightly different way. He is frequently putting down OTHER employees when they are not around. (It only makes me wonder what he says when I am not around!) I stick up for these employees when he speaks, but have not confronted him directly about his negative habit. We work in a tightly knit office and I would prefer not to have this type of confrontation that may seem like a personal attack. Any thoughts?
Comment by Lindsey — March 8, 2007 @ 4:22 pm
Rather than defending the coworkers, tell him straight on that if he has issues with (name), please take them directly to them as you are not interested in discussing them when they are not around.
Suggest to your coworker that they not to engage in that kind of conversation with him either.
Or even ask him if he talks about you the same way in your absence.
Those are my thoughts.
Comment by merylrunion — March 14, 2007 @ 8:27 am