February 21, 2007Owning Her Own Life After Incest
I’m an incest survivor. I lived 20 years trapped in the terror of my realities that then gave way to my memories and the fear that my father could still hurt me. I feared at night I would still be accosted in my sleep while I lay helpless and unaware that I was being preyed on. The anxiety would rob me of my sleep. It would steal my sanity and my self-respect. It would limit my world until I was afraid to leave my house, afraid to be alone but afraid to be with people. It was the hell that my mind created for itself borrowing on the demons of my past.
A human can only go on like this for a moment before the soul devours itself – I broke. My nervous system crumbled. There was nothing left but a terrified child in a woman’s form waiting to die.
A tiny dot of my strength remained untarnished – unnoticed by the monsters in my body. Over time this strength started to build – it was so gradual that at first no one even noticed…it was a sly strength that was afraid to be seen too early, least it be stamped out.
When the strength started to be noticeable people around it didn’t like it. It was frightening. This woman who had been fragile and small was standing taller…something was happening that they couldn’t control and it frightened them. If they couldn’t control “it” then they couldn’t control me. And if they couldn’t control me then the secret wasn’t safe either.
My father tried different means to try to get into my head when I was still vulnerable and rebuilding but the supports that were in my life helped me keep him out of where he shouldn’t have been. After 6 months of this rebuilding, I finally came forward to my family and let them know what I had been through as a child. I wish I could say that it was a happy ending – it wasn’t and isn’t. But I took the first step in owning my life for the first time since I was 5 years old.
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Bravo. First let me say I am very sorry for what you went through.
I too am a survivor and have been shunned and ostracized by members of my family for the last 14 years, even by those who are victims themselves. Although the ‘truth shall set you free’, I suppose it is too much for some to bear. Maybe in their own time they will but that’s up to them.
I totally applaud your decision to speak your own truth under one of the most difficult situations a person can be placed under. ‘Speaking strong’
isn’t usually easy, especially for survivors. Being true to yourself is all anyone really has. Again, good for you! And thank you too Meryl, for not being afraid of posting about survivors of incest, one of the most devastating crimes against the soul.
Ted
Comment by Ted — March 2, 2007 @ 9:17 am
Thank you Ted. Your encouragement brought tears to my eyes. You express your own place of strength and conviction when you write and it’s powerful. I trust that you have also being dealing with your own demons for years now and it has contributed to the wisdom you demonstrate.
I was lucky enough to attend a workshop this past Fall, offered by Meryl, where I was encouraged to allow my pain to be seen - what a revelation !!! First, that I couldn’t hide the pain behind my smile. Second, that I still had lots of work to do on addressing the cause of the pain itself. This was on of the steps to “outting” that pain and accepting that the path to freedom, that you speak of, can sometimes be a lonely one for a little while. You know what? You made it feel safe…thank you.
And, Meryl, Ted’s right. Thank you for not being afraid of the “messy” things. Whether it be incest or politics, I enjoy the forum that you provide to stimulate conscious thought.
Comment by Heidi — March 8, 2007 @ 3:06 pm
What tremendous courage the two of you exhibit. I will add as well, I am sorry you both had this horriffic thing happen to you. I am a member of the same club, and I also confronted the perpetrator in my family. The down side was that he nor his family want further communication with me. The up side is that I am free of the secret, and now speak about it openly. And each time I speak of it, I get more healing, and that healing is multiplied by how many listeners there are. The description Ted gave of a ‘crime against the soul’ is one of the best descriptors I’ve heard. Thanks for telling your secret - I’m encouraged by your openness.
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — March 12, 2007 @ 12:46 pm
Stand strong. Somethings are definitely worth it!!! Your perpetrator may be doing you the most honourable thing that he’s ever done by leaving you alone. Being in your life, he may cause harm and risk to you. In addition, in terms of his family, I found in my own life, those with mixed alliances caused large helpings of pain because they often can’t, or don’t want to believe what is happening around them - denial is a convenient and lovely place to reside - it’s an Izzy place.
Although not a great club to belong to, I’m so glad that you are free from the confines of someone else’s “secrets” and lies. You may want to consider the upside of the situation - you don’t have to bother with the sect of the family that lives in the bind of past (and possibly future) lies.
I also agree with your statement regarding Ted’s descriptor. I used to think of the combination of my own issues as “soul abuse’ - I think Ted’s is a much better term.
Please remember that you are also a source of great courage and thank you for not being afraid to be open.
Comment by Heidi — March 15, 2007 @ 2:18 pm
I to suffered from physical abuse as well. I to am a survivor with a family and finnally learning how to feel for today w/out the pain from yesterday.
I vowed my children would never suffer what I went through growing up.
I to had to walk away from my family and I’m much happier than before.
I applaud your strength and determination to overcome all of your pain.
I agree with Ted and offer this “that boundries that are set up by us can never be destroyed unless we ourselves let them”
Comment by Dave — March 15, 2007 @ 3:11 pm
That was beautifully put Dave. Thank you for sharing. I also made the same vow. I hope that my children will grow up with the warmth, love and support that a strong, healthy family can offer…even if it’s a bit on the smallish side. I believe that living for today is attainable - I work at it - sometimes it’s a wonderful success…and those days are dazzling…I wish you many dazzling days!
Comment by Heidi — March 22, 2007 @ 1:09 pm
Thank you
Comment by Dave — March 22, 2007 @ 1:12 pm
Thank you all for such kind words; Heidi I’m so glad you felt some benefit from what I wrote. Even though I’m in a good place right now, some days still get me down. The only thing that brings me back when I am feeling really low is that I know I’m not alone with all this; it’s sad yet true that I feel better knowing this happened to others too, even though I wish it never did. When I was in a male survivor group, we all admitted that we hated to be part of this ‘club’ but found relief in the fact that we were not alone in all this. So, take heart. So like Dave said, sometimes it’s better to walk away. Interestingly my 2 brothers still have contact with my mom-one lives with her along with his wife (he is 32)and they live right next door to the other brother (he is 44)—talk about a twisted situation. I still have to be very guarded mentally and emotionally when I talk to my older brother; the younger still refuses to talk to me-my mom triangulated that conflict with her and dragged him into it long ago. But I can tell you that my wife and 2 year old son are free from the ongoing mental torment my mom inflicts on my brothers and their families.
Do I miss having a mom-a ‘good’ mom-of course. That will never change; however I can’t compromise myself and minimize what she did-that would be disowning the ‘truth of my soul’ and that would hurt much worse than my decision to stay away from her, someone who would want to hurt me.
Interestingly, as I write this, I remember having an epiphany of sorts when my therapist asked what I was afraid would happen if I were to confront my mom. I said ’she’ll be mad’. He said, “So?”. I kept on”but she’ll be really mad” and he countered every time with “So what??”–think about that as it’s very powerful: we are not responsible for others’ feelings, even if it is mommy’s or daddy’s or whoever. It’s ok to be the adult that you are now and take care of and appreciate yourself, the way you should have been cared for when you were younger, and not the way the people who were supposed to didn’t and miserably failed you. Heidi, Cindy, and Dave , thank you all for courageously sharing your pain. You guys keep me going too. Take care, Ted
Comment by Ted — March 22, 2007 @ 1:58 pm
Thanks Ted, for sharing your family stuff. I can sooo relate! I could spend an hour typing here about the denial and sick relationships my family’s involved in. Boundaries are essential for me to stay sane. The scary thing is that the perpetrator has a new baby granddaughter and lives in the same town. I pray continuously for that child’s protection. I also pray for the strength of a family member, another survivor of his abuse, to speak up to the baby’s mother. And the sickness continues…. Cindy
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — March 23, 2007 @ 7:14 am
First a note just to Cindy, I have very strong faith and believe 100% in the power of prayer. I am wondering why you only pray that someone else does the right thing and enlighten this baby’s mother, when you have the power to protect her yourself?
I am a victim of sexual abuse by a (not immediate) family member when I was a young child. I was lucky in that I was able to avoid on going occurances by never allowing myself to be alone with them again. I never told anyone in my family and do not intend to. The person has been divorced from the family for over 30 years.
I only wanted to mention an incredibly helpful book that I read. Joyce Meyer, the Christian evangalist, was a victim of sexual abuse by her father from the time she was very young until she was a teenager. She has written a book titled “Beauty for Ashes”. With God’s help she has really transformed her life and is an inspiration to me.
God bless each of you, you are his child.
Comment by Juliet — March 23, 2007 @ 3:29 pm
Juliet, I spoke at Meyer’s Life in the Word, and it was a magical experience. Thanks for the referral.
Comment by merylrunion — March 29, 2007 @ 11:33 am
In answer to Juliet…in the first response I made, I indicated that I’d informed the entire family of my brother perpetrator’s abuse (as well as the rest of my family), and his family want nothing whatsoever to do with me - this includes the mother of the baby (my niece). They are all in denial. So communication with them is rejected. In other words, I have told the baby’s mother, she does not believe me because the denial is so strong, and the perpetrator has control over her. I am relying on another niece that this new mom has a close association with, to share her own truth about incest with the baby’s mother. Perhaps my comments seem vague, but it is challenging to explain without a family org chart, due to divorces, etc. This leaves me with the option to lift my brother and his family up in prayer, since I’ve done all the footwork with them I can.
I am very open about the incest, and no longer keep the secret, and get the privilege to speak publicly to large groups about the sickness.
I read Joyce Meyers book several years ago and found it very helpful. Some others that I recommend are Marilyn VanDerbur Atler’s book “Miss America By Day.” I also recommend the DVD “Searching for Angela Shelton” by Angela Shelton, which includes her confrontation of her perpetrator father. And the series of books by Doris VanStone. All excellent resources.
Thanks for encouraging me to speak Juliet…I would have done the same.
Comment by Cindy Hapanowicz — March 30, 2007 @ 8:59 am
There is a saying that comes to mind “If it don’t kill you, It will make you stronger.”
I am strong because of the chices I have made to be in control of my life.
There is no easy way in all of this. However, what I have learned the hard way is for me to share with others until they become strong enough to stand on thier own.
Our understanding and compassion has given us a gift to share with others to bring them home from the war(s). this pain has taught me to feel for others and has given me the resolve to stop it within my circle of influence.
It is not an easy thing to overcome but we as people and as human beings choose to be strong therefore we have the strength to overcome.
believe me when i say that we are making a difference 1 child and/or person at a time.
Comment by Dave — April 2, 2007 @ 6:37 am
My 8 yr old grandson is in an abusive home. I have not been allowed to see him for over 2 1/2 years. He is only allowed to be around people who they know will not question what’s going on. I’m so concerned about him, but have no rights/power to do anything (I pray for him/them every day). He was taken away by the authorities twice when he was a baby/toddler. All that did was make the perpetrators learn to hide the abuse better. I don’t know what he’s going through now, but I know something is going on because they don’t allow me in his life. My heart breaks for him. What can a person on the outside do to help the innocent helpless on the inside?
Comment by Brenda — April 5, 2007 @ 1:31 pm
Dave, you gave me goose bumps. Today, I re-read all of the messages that have been posted in response to my story. To be frank, I’m not sure what propelled me - but I needed to at this moment in time.
Two days ago I needed to conguer up some strength to “speak strong” to a co-worker about the way I was being talked to and it erupted into a confrontation that I chose not to engage in. What it ultimately left me with was a feeling of extreme vulnerability - one that I associated with my childhood. I HATE CONFRONTATION!!!
I have to say that the moments that I have had to be steadfast, establish boundaries with people, or reinforce messages are very taxing emotionally for me.
In hindsight I experience two extreme reactions, to put a big brilliant smile on my face and pretend nothing is wrong OR become incredibly angry to mask the pain I feel. There really doesn’t seem to be any grey spots in between. My question to anyone who reads this…what are your experiences? I believe it might be related to my abuse and the only acceptable reactions I had available at that period in my life. I feel ill equipped to deal with confrontation today. I also feel that my self-esteem is fragile and has just taken a hit.
I don’t think that speaking strong impacts others like this!
Comment by Heidi — April 5, 2007 @ 1:32 pm
BRENDA…if you KNOW that something is happening, and you have reason to BELIEVE that this child is being abused you MUST do more than just pray. I am not sure who acts on behalf of the children were you live but in Canada I believe it’s the Children’s Aid Society. They step in when an allegation has been made an assess the situation. If they deem that the child is being abused they will take measures to safe guard the child - including fostering the child in a new home. Call the police, open a file, get the perpetrators into the system so that they are being watched…tell the police what you have seen, heard, been told.
My heart is breaking into a thousand pieces at the thought that someone you love may be hurting now and you feel that you can’t help.
If you can’t make things change for him now- be there when the barriers are removed because that child is going to need serious help and direction later - and lots and lots of love and understanding.
I hope that this email doesn’t offend anyone.
Comment by Heidi — April 5, 2007 @ 1:43 pm
First a response to Heidi’s question about confrontation. It’s never been easy for me; usually I just take the situation and keep taking it until I erupt as well. Neither losing it or submitting to it, ie painting a smile on, are helpful in the long run. Because we were always led to believe that we could not or should not stand up for ourselves, is the reason you are feeling, I believe, taxed emotionally whenever a conflict arises. Because we were never given our own ’social toolbox’ on how to deal with these situations, is the reason I look to authors like Meryl and others, for resources on how to formulate the words I need to say in a situation. Once you have a few situational responses down pat or memorized, I think you will be much more equipped to get your needs met. Coupled with all that is the belief is that you are worthy of being heard. That’s the part that doesn’t come easy. However, you do need the words, because in the heat of the moment, we all usually revert back to what seems comfortable, such as shrinking back, lashing out, getting defensive, being mean, being passive aggressive, giving the silent treatment, etc.
Ah yes but healthy is not always comfortable, is it? To the other topic of helping a child, my older brother recently informed me that our younger brother and his wife are expecting a baby(keep in mind they live with my mom and my older brother lives right next door to them), and apparently his wife does not know why my mom and I are estranged. I always wondered if my younger brother explained things to her-apparently not because she asked (my older brother) and he came up with an evasive answer. So guess what, next time I see her (we on occasion see the younger brother and his wife at the older brother’s house), I am telling her the truth, as ugly as it might get.
Sorry about the length of my replies; I never intend for them to get this long. Keep standing up, speaking strong, and fighting for what’s right everyone, and take good care. Ted
Comment by Ted — April 5, 2007 @ 3:45 pm
The confrontation and the emotional crap we go through is what I call fight or flight syndrome. I deal with it all of the time. I have been so programmed to be in a confrontational environment that it is hard not to react instinctively. (Like walking in a minefield)
I have to keep reminding myself that not everybody is out to hurt me. That being said watch out for the manipulator.
What you are feeling is alright even if later on you find out it was wrong. We do not have to be perfect for everybody else, only for ourselves. This means it is okay to be human and it’s okay to still be learning about ourselves and life. We only fail when we quit trying. Life is not a race between us and someone else. Our race is with us in that we continue to better ourselves and never accept less than our best from ourselves. The hard part is knowing when we have done our best and being at peace with it.
Part of the growth you missed was replaced with the stuff they did to you. Now that the stuff is gone (active) you have to start growing up all over again. (least wise where you left off when the stuff happened) The hard part is knowing how to react or act as a grown up while still dealing as a child. Not easy however it can be done. The biggest secret is that everybody has their own stuff to deal with. some are more obvious than others. Do not be fooled into thinking you are the only one. Some day you will see another person’s issues and be glad you have yours instead of theirs.
Comment by Dave — April 12, 2007 @ 11:44 am
Heidi,
Thank you for your reply. No, your comments weren’t offensive at all - thank you for being sensitive to the pain of the situation. The problem is that the reasons I have to believe my grandson is still being tormented are all based on my opinion, not hard evidence (I’m not allowed in his life, things I’ve heard “thru the grapevine”, etc. ). I’ve been talking ’til I’m blue in the face to anyone who might have the ability to check into things a little closer, but have not been successful yet. In Missouri, there are no rights established for grandparents. So, unless I have hard evidence (which the perpetrators make sure is impossible for me to attain), anything I would say would be seen as coming from a spiteful grandmother and ultimately the person who would suffer the most for my failed efforts would be my grandson. The previous times he was taken away by the authorities were due to my intervention - the most damaging was a video I took on a couple of my visits (when I was still allowed to see him) which showed positive proof of physical abuse. Even with that, after a few months of classes taken by the perpetrators, he was put right back into their hands. After a year of probation, the case was closed.
Yes, I will be there - the instant I find an opportunity to break thru the barriers, I will run thru them to help him!
Comment by Brenda — April 12, 2007 @ 11:50 am
P.S.
The stuff you feel when confronted is a basically a feeling of helplessness of not being strong or big enough to fight back. This is a normal feeling. Notice when you were big enough and strong enough you chose to do something about it. When confronted with anyone or thing the natural thing is to go back to that helpless feeling again, only because that is the only place you know. As you get stronger you will learn there are different ways to handle each situation as they come.
Remember you are growing up all over again and this is going on while you are supposed to be grown up already.
Comment by Dave — April 12, 2007 @ 12:02 pm
Well put Dave, especially the part about growing up all over again and about knowing when we have done our best and being at peace with it. Not feeling good enough seems to be a prevalent theme for all of us. I still struggle with it for sure.
Also, has it crossed anyone’s mind that the tragedy in Virginia may have been caused by the shooter being the victim of incest? I can surely see how that amount of rage could manifest and misplace itself because of that.
When people aren’t heard or understood over a period of time is usually when they snap. Just curious.
Comment by Ted — April 19, 2007 @ 2:14 pm
Just checking in Heidi to see what’s happening!
Comment by Dave — June 19, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
I’d like to sponsor a teleseminar on how to talk about incest. I’d want an expert on the topic. Do you have any recommendations of who might be good and willing to work with me? The first person I asked declined.
Comment by merylrunion — June 26, 2007 @ 8:59 am
Mike Lew-he wrote the book Victims No Longer for male victims; or Ellen Bass & Laura Davis who wrote The Courage to Heal. They both have websites I believe.
Ted
Comment by ted — June 26, 2007 @ 11:49 am
I commend you for standing up and telling your family. I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years before I finally escaped by marrying a very understanding man. I never told my mother what had happened and I don’t plan on telling her. She is still married to this man and I’m afraid that if she had to choose, it wouldn’t be me and I just can’t bear to lose her and let him win one more battle of taking things away from me. Someday I hope to get up the nerve to confront him and tell him just what I think of him and what he did to me. It’s not easy being silent. I have lost so much because of this man, there is a lot of my childhood that is blocked and that I don’t remember.
Comment by Ann — June 26, 2007 @ 12:07 pm
Hi Dave, et al.
Thanks for checking in.
I am currently working on finding my adult voice - for lack of a better description. I have many communication tools surrounding me to pick from, many opportunities to use these tools…but an overwhelming desire to HIDE at the first opportunity! So, in true Speak Strong conviction…I am developing the adult within and attempting to use each opportunity as a time for learning and exploring (putting my own anxiety aside).
A friend recently told me that “only we determine our own failure”. I have decided that this needs to be my motto as I work on this adult voice of mine.
I know that the desire to run and hide comes from my past but it’s NOT working for me. So, I need to find some better methods. I also have realized lately that I have been working so hard to “overcome” or “triumph” over my past that this has become an actual barrier to my healing. My communication skills are worse now than a few years ago and my walls are higher - go figure! The mask I spoke of previously is only one techique I use to keep people from seeing my pain. But alas, it fools no one who has been around me for longer than 24 hours - right Meryl?!
So, my goals are (very) slowly becoming more managable and realistic. With the same patience that I demonstrate towards others and to my wonderful children, I am recasting my view of my role with in my world and how I would like to contribute and the way I would like to treat myself. This is a huge undertaking. It is also a very different direction for me and a bit scary.
In a recent conversation with a fellow survivor, I came to realize that being a perfectionist, exceptionally driven, and strong willed seems to be a bit common amongst the “survivor” group - wow, what a legacy to live! Not a great example to give to my daughters and not a great quality of life either. Re-writting who we are is in no ones best interests…but being compassionate with ourselves is certainly something we deserve - yet so hard to do.
I am currently facing a challenge in terms of the irony that I am living. The very understanding and compassion that was lacking in my childhood is the very quality that I am constantly asked to draw upon in my interactions with colleagues who in my opinion - should clearly know better. However, I was raised to be “the better person”. I’m sure I’m not alone in that teaching. Clearly, I find that I’m at odds with this. What I would like to say is “I find it offensive that you hold a position of authority but do not have the skills to support it”…you can see why I shouldn’t/wouldn’t say what I feel…but sometimes it would just be so nice to… So my current challenge is to maintain diplomacy while not selling out my values/morals/principles.
Ted: great suggestion/ recommendation. Ellen Bass and Laura Davis are fabulous authors. They have also written the companion workbook for Courage to Heal as well as a book titled “Allies in Healing” for the partners of survivors. I would think this is a great avenue to explore.
Comment by Heidi — June 26, 2007 @ 2:40 pm
Congratulations you are now starting to grow and become aware of all that you are capable of. Perfection is something we strive for with the understanding we will never achieve it all here. However, welcome to feeling again and being understanding of others faults.
It was hard for me to understand that others cannot get over their issues I did why not you. Very simplistic but not right. Until I learned that being human is not about being perfect, it is about trying for perfection in spite of our issues (health or mental) and understanding being human is what makes capable of understanding of others as well as ourselves.
Conformity is the highest act of cowardice.
Remember letting go of people to choose their own path is good for them and releases you from their growth.
I commend you in your growth of understanding and compassion of others.
Comment by Dave — June 27, 2007 @ 6:34 am
Reading all of your comments is a healing experience in and of itself. Just sharing those experiences and feelings with other people is worth hours of therapy. I have seen many, many things in all of your comments that I can relate to. The past hurts, the family issues, the characteristics of the person I have worked so hard to become and the pieces of me that won’t go away - those things that Heidi talks about. I’m almost 60 years old and have spent nearly 40 years putting my life back together. I’m not done but I have come SO far - far enough that I have found peace and happiness and self-fulfillment. I encourage all of you to keep working. I don’t know that there is ever an end but peace and happiness are possible. I remember well the day I looked in the mirror and said to myself, “Now I know what it is to be happy.”
Comment by Connie — July 13, 2007 @ 4:31 pm
Thank you for your thoughts, I to still deal with the anger of what could of been versus what is real for me. The hardest thing for me is to realize that my growth is going on constantly. I get tired of fixing myself. Yet I do realize that to quit is not the answer. The biggest thing that has hit me is that it isn’t always me about me. I have been put into different paths not for others as much as for myself to learn and grow. Sometimes painful sometimes easy. All I know is I am a better person for staying the course.
I thank God for his patience and love sometimes rejected by me and yet always needed in spite of the anger and pride. I am still looking for the peace you have found.
Comment by Dave — July 17, 2007 @ 3:28 pm
I am the mother of a sexually abused daughter. The abuse started at age 3 and continued after our divorce when she was 7 until she disclosed to me at age 12. This was 34 years ago, when incest and sexual abuse were taboo topics. When my daughter disclosed, I immediately pulled her into my arms and reassured her that I loved her and believed her. I never allowed any of my 3 children to be subjected to their father unsupervised. He withdrew out of our lives as did his family. I’ve been left for the last 34 years picking up after the destruction his abuse left her with. She turned to drugs and alcohol at a young age to numb herself and has since had addiction problems throughout her life. It’s like “Victim” is stamped on her forhead and other perpetrators easily single her out. I’ve given her the books, “Courage to Heal” and “Miss America By Day”; however I don’t believe she has read them. We have been in therapy after therapy but I haven’t seen any progress. She now has a heart condition that could shorten her life, her car just quit and is unrepairable, and has gone through an ugly divorce. My other daughter has reconciled with their father and his family. I can’t understand it and feel that she is betraying me and her sister. My son has no contact with his father. I tried to file criminal charges, but back then the District Attorney in our small town refused to do anything. I guess I just want to speak out on behalf of parents who DO BELIEVE when the information is presented. I am open for any suggestions for this situation. I get the brunt of her anger because I’m the one that is around. I didn’t know anything about this in order to protect her. Thank heavens that we can at least share and have information on this important topic. It’s almost since her car broke down and she now has to depend on me to drive her everywhere that she’s more like a teenager instead of the 37 yr. old woman she is. I feel for the pain that each of you have experienced and wish there was a magic salve that could heal your wounds. I still have so much anger in me towards my ex-husband that if I were to be in a room with him, I would kill him. No one has the right or authority to victimize children and change who they were meant to be.
Signed a mother who believes!
Comment by Sheila — July 24, 2007 @ 2:44 pm
Thank you all so very much for your input. I am a 74-yr old “Grandpa”, a victim of incest with an alcoholic mother that went on much too long starting at age 10. I have had 3 asexual marriages, recovering from my own alcoholism (33 years in AA) and chair a survivor’s panel meeting monthly — and telling my story (which also include sexual assault as a youngster and rape as a teenager). For the past 12+ years I have stood in front of about 50-60 Navy Counselors and told my story which included my own infidelities, and for the past 10 years have had a co-speaker — a young man of 35 who was put out of the Navy after a sexual assault by a senior petty officer. I don’t know where I would be without that outlet. I am an extroverted individual and fill my minutes, days, & yearls with activitity. I an a verbal communication instructor at a local Adult Learning Center, a Distinguished Toastmaster, a Charity Auctioneer (always free) but I still have those vivid memories that have plagued my life.
There is too much to relate on my road to recovery, but I feel a little bit enlightened by the stories. It is no easier when your perpetrator(s), — which included my father, and other men are no longer living, but I’m surviving. Thank you all again.
Comment by Dick Biondo — July 26, 2007 @ 9:11 pm
Dear Sheila, I understand how you feel, the anger is real and it is important to realize that there are no victimless crimes. Even if you are not the one that was hurt. My only wish is for my parents to accept their responsibility for their actions. I will not allow my kids to be around them at all. My goal has always been about damage control. To stop it in its tracks. There is no easy way.
Some of the victims may never recover from the abuse while others do. The difference is what do we do with the emotions that we are left with.
we can let it control us or we can overcome it using the anger in a positive way.
Comment by Dave — August 2, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
Wow - so many people, having so many experiences that have been shared here -I am truly overwhelmed! There is tremendous beauty in everyone’s ability to share what they have been through - a trust that we don’t owe to anyone (and have learned not to give)…thank you.
Ann: there is never a “right” time to confront ther person who has taken so much. I know this well. I understand your fea, I had the same one. My fear was confimred and my Father “won”…if having my Mother is “winning”. I think in the end, I have won. I don’t feel owned by anyone anymore - it’s a freedom from fear I had never experienced in my life - but it’s all mine now (after lots of therapy though). I lend you strength when you decide it’s time.
Shiela: Thank you for having the courage and strength to embrace your daughter and your children. To love and protect them was the most important thing you could do for them. As adults - the rest is up to them…it’s the free will thing that often gets us in trouble!!! I know that for years I just wasn’t ready to address my issues - then my heath started to fail and my children ended up vulnerable - that was my catalyst. Each person finds there own… My thoughts are with you and I send you a big hug for just being you! If you only knew what your story did to my insides.
Dick: Thank you for speaking out! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
Comment by Heidi — August 6, 2007 @ 8:23 am
Dave,
thank you for always having such wonderful words of encouragement! When I waver - I come and re-read for some support!
Comment by Heidi — August 6, 2007 @ 8:26 am
Thank you Heidi, I sometimes wonder if I have made a difference in the world.
Whether we realize it or not, we all not only survived but now are learning to thrive on our own. Thriving means different things to each of us. Each of us has to learn how to find our own successes in life. Then build upon that for the next success.
I think sometimes when we try and succeed that we don’t need to try anymore. I have learned that is not the truth. If we are not going forward then we are going backwards.
Dick, thank you for sharing and helping me realize that this stuff has been going on far longer than it should be.
Comment by Dave — August 7, 2007 @ 1:58 pm
I just finished reading a book calling feeling Strong. It really helped in understanding some of my issues. About being powerless or powerful. Intrisic or extrinsic sources of power. The one thing I thought was the most powerful was the statement you can give away your power but no one can take it. I would recommend this book to not only understand yourselves but how to find your power..
Comment by Dave — September 4, 2007 @ 12:14 pm
For the first time in my life I have started realizing that I am winning in this game of life and I am no longer being pushed by situations or people outside of my control. I have found that I am good enough for what lays before me.
I am no longer the victim… What a liberating feeling in my life. All of my experiences do matter not only for myself but for I come in contact with..
For the first time I feel my power.
Comment by Dave — October 2, 2007 @ 3:39 pm
Must be something in the air!!!
I too have felt an exhileration with life…a strength that has eluded me for so long. A strength I saw in others and envied. Now I feel it in myself. It’s incredible. I can’t say what the causes are for the renewed spirit - just that it’s here and I am embracing it!!! WHOLEHEARTEDLY - for as long as it lasts (with a hope that it never goes away).
Who has time to be a victim when you are focusing on the future (not constantly looking in the rearview mirror at the damage from the past).
Who I am - I determine!!! And boy I love my blessings.
Hope you all are well.
Comment by Heidi — October 9, 2007 @ 1:13 pm
Dave what is the full title of the book. I looked up the title and it came back with two. I am always ready for more tools for my ’self-empowerment toolbox’! Thanks.
Sending good and empowering thoughts out to everyone,
Ted
Comment by Ted — October 10, 2007 @ 1:03 pm
Feeling Strong by Ethel s. Person is the writer, it is very detailed in her explanation of life and all of the issues that are there..
Good luck reading, Also not all of the chapters may apply.
Comment by Dave — October 24, 2007 @ 5:36 am
I love whats in the air..
Comment by Dave — October 24, 2007 @ 5:38 am
Just to make an update for all concerned.. I have reached a point where I feel I have been healed from the crap of the past.
I now enjoy being in the here and now instead of worrying about if it has anything to do with my past.
I feel more calm and at peace now more than ever. The issues I face are current and deal with today.
I am still working on my confidence and self esteem, that being said I feel like I am in charge.
Comment by Dave — February 27, 2008 @ 2:57 pm
Just saw your post Dave. Good for you!!!
Ted
Comment by Ted — February 28, 2008 @ 9:24 am