March 1, 2007Undercover for the Boss?
Meryl,
My boss wants to pick my brain about my co-workers — including very personal matters such as their marital woes as well as office feuds. How can I respond?
Meryl’s Response
I’d say;
• (Name), you know everyone likes to look good to their bosses. I’m not comfortable discussing people’s personal lives with anyone, but particularly not with someone in your position.
• I have a policy of not spreading personal information about people, and that goes double with the boss.
• Can we make an agreement that if there’s anything I really believe you need to know to manage, that I’ll tell you, but not if it doesn’t apply? I’m not comfortable discussing my coworkers’ personal lives.
If it’s a casual relationship and your boss can handle some feistiness, say,
• Are you thinking I’m a double agent here? I’d rather not discuss that.
Be friendly in your response – avoid a tone that shames him/her for asking. And emphasize the fact that you are reluctant to answer the questions because you are aware that the boss holds power, not because you are unaware that the boss has a position of power.
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I have the opposite situation. My boss and I were friends before we were boss and subordinate. It was natural to discuss personal events in our own lives and the lives of our coworkers. But as her employee, I now feel burdened by these discussions – which I never initiate – because I feel they interfere with my ability to form my own relationships with other employees in the group. I also believe it affects my credibility in the group. I am torn between my desire to let my boss/friend vent when she needs to, and my desire to be separate from her in the performance of my job. It took me a long time to be able to articulate my feelings to even myself, so now this pattern has gone on so long I don’t feel confident in my ability to address it objectively. I’m thinking over some of the phrases suggested here as ideas I can adapt in my situation. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Kathleen — March 2, 2007 @ 8:51 am
I have had a recent similar dilemma whereby my boss requested access to my personal social networking website (via an online request). I declined their request (online) but had a response ready to say face to face (as they were a very direct individual who i imagined would ask me why). What i was going to say (but never actually needed to) was:
“It is nothing personal. I enjoy working with you but I like to keep my personal life separate to my work.”
I think Meryl’s suggestions are great – sounds like your boss is being underhanded and needs to get the message clear – gently – that you do not want to be involved with this kind of behaviour.
Comment by annelise — November 17, 2009 @ 6:25 pm
I love it that you prepared for the question you knew you were likely to get. Great response.
Comment by merylrunion — November 19, 2009 @ 11:14 am
As an employer, I think that is a reasonable response. Some of my employees are “friends” on social networking sites with me and some are not. I wouldn’t want them to think they had to and wouldn’t mind if they chose to do so.
Comment by Denise Konesky — November 23, 2009 @ 7:03 am