March 15, 2007I will not respond until you treat me with respect.
I had a co-worker who was condescending with me for about 2 years. Each time it happened I would get so angry and usually retort with a poison phrase, and feel really bad afterwards that I’d reacted that way. My co-worker thrived on this “result”. After reading this newsletter, I realized there was a better way to handle it.
I had practiced a phrase to say, but the next time it happened I completely forgot to use it. I was so angry I was shaking. I left my desk, went to calm down with a cup of tea and when I returned I asked him to come and talk to me when he was free. When he arrived at my desk, I said to him
- XXX, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but sometimes you talk to me in a very condescending manner. The next time you talk to me like that, I will not respond until you treat me with respect.
He was apologetic and said he did not realize he talked to me in that way (though I find this hard to believe). Anyway, that was over 6 months ago now, and he has never spoken to me like that since. Our working relationship is much improved and I have great confidence in knowing I have the power to ensure I am treated with respect.
PowerPhrases is packed with practical communication tools.
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Your response is not only useful and a favor to yourself, but a favor to the other person involved. I know this because I could be that person. Part cultivated defense mechanism and part inherited behavior trait, the smart mouth tendency lives in me. While in some situations, it can be entertaining, I know it can also be wounding, as you described. The smart mouth behavior is SUCH a reflexive behavior, that I often do not even realize how I come across until later when I am sorting through my day; or unless someone calls me on it. Although I work at keeping the smart mouth as a tool rather than a reflexive behavior, sometimes I don’t succeed. When someone I have offended or hurt manages to talk to me the way you did to your co-worker, I am always grateful to get a chance to start fresh with that person. And their forthright manner in dealing with me serves as a reminder that helps me do even better in my efforts to control or change my negative behaviors. So, thanks for your efforts to help yourself. You also helped the other person.
Comment by Kathleen — March 16, 2007 @ 6:59 am
I used to pride myself on my rapid-fire “entertaining” responses to other people. I never realized that I was using my sarcasm or cleverness as a defense mechanism. I just knew that I felt like many transactions were too superficial and left me feeling empty. After a few years, I made a decision to change my behavior. I still catch myself using the crutch on occasion, but awareness is the first step in fixing the problem, right? I no longer panic at the pause between the other person’s comment and my response. I used to feel compelled to whip out a clever reply. I’m getting more comfortable with pauses and time to think.
It can be scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open in communication. It feels much safer to hide behind a snappy facade and clever repartee, without regard for what the other person is feeling. It must feel a lot like disrespect to be on the receiving end.
I like to think that Pippi and I are working together in search of a comfortable middle ground — honest, open, true communication.
Comment by Cindy Mueller — March 28, 2007 @ 10:55 am
I like the response.
Comment by LaMoor — February 13, 2008 @ 12:58 pm