March 15, 2007Obviously You Don’t Want to Talk to Me
Meryl,
I was away at a meeting last night, and this morning was in the middle of my yoga routine when the phone rang. No, I did not stop what I was doing and jump up to see who it was. I thought that if it was important, they would leave me a message, and I could get back to them after I finished what I was doing. The message was from my ex and it started with.
- Obviously you don’t want to talk to me.
Later in the morning he phoned me at work and I explained (again) how much that sentence annoys me and it is not the case at all. I told him how busy I have been and he replied that he thought I must be screening the calls and ignoring him. I have never done that, yet he uses the phrase continually. How do I stop him saying that? Meryl’s Response
Either he really believes you don’t want to talk to him, or he is using the phrase manipulatively to guilt-trip you into responding sooner to prove him wrong. I’d ask him clarifying questions. Ask,
- Do you say that because you really believe I deliberately avoid talking to you?
What do you consider a reasonable response time in a non-emergency?
- I consider it appropriate to respond at more convenient times for me if it’s not an emergency. Can you be comfortable with that?
- What have I done to lead you to believe when I don’t pick up it’s because I don’t want to talk to you?
You could even ask,
- Do you say that in an attempt to get me to return your calls sooner than I otherwise would?
You also could respond,
- When I’m practicing yoga, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m very happy to talk to you now.
If this phrase persists you can say,
- I’m sorry you believe that since it’s not true. I don’t know how to convince you otherwise so I will stop trying.
Of course you always have the option of deciding it’s his problem. If you’ve been clear, it is.
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I think the last sentence is the best advice. He’s her ex. At this point, she has no need to justify her actions - whether she’s busy, tired, or really doesn’t want to talk to him.
She’s told him the sentence annoys her…yet he keeps using it. He’s baiting her, period - doing it on purpose to engage her in a conversation where she is “at fault.”
The true “speaking strong” here is to not validate his comment with explanation, but IGNORE IT. Keep the conversations to a minimum, with only what is necessary - go through the points of business with no small talk/chitchat, then end the conversation. Speak strong by taking control of the conversation and your role in it. You can’t change HIM, but you CAN change how you REACT to him.
Comment by BAM — March 15, 2007 @ 11:09 pm
I’m not recommending this as a verbal response, but as a self-talk help for creating a balanced state of mind. I remind myself periodically that I am the one who pays the phone bill at my house. I do so for my own benefit and convenience; not for the convenience of sales people or anyone who happens to have a desire to reach me in the moment. I do not like the idea of my daily life being shaped around the possibility of a phone call. So I only have the phone near me if I am “receiving” calls at that time. That practice helps me structure my time and movements more around my own plans and activities, and less around the whims or goals of others. For the writer, practicing yoga at home should not have to be any different than going out for a yoga class. This response from the ex sounds more like it’s sabout his wounded ego than any reality. He is projecting his feelings of rejection or guilt over the breakup onto her.
Comment by Kathleen — March 16, 2007 @ 6:38 am
Great point BM. And, Kathleen, that is a useful thing to remember. The phone can seem so urgent when it’s not. everyone benefits when we make communication choices rather than feeling compelled by the perceived urgency of a ringing phone.
Comment by merylrunion — March 18, 2007 @ 9:56 am
I gave up answering my phone years ago. I just let the machine pick up and return the calls I think are important. I might have responded to the situation from the ex by saying: “It’s interesting that you would think that.” and then just move on to the conversation. He’s either very insecure or very manipulative. Either way, it really is HIS problem, not hers–ANYMORE!
Comment by Cindy Mueller — March 28, 2007 @ 10:36 am