March 22, 2007When Other People Are Angry
Meryl,
While I need a lot of improvement over all with my communication my greatest source of frustration in communicating comes when I have to deal with two other people who are angry with each other. When it’s me and someone else being angry with each other at least I have control over one of the parties.
What do you do when (through no choice of your own) you’re in the middle of very angry exchanges between two other people? What do you say that can effectively get them to take the time to cool down?
Meryl Responds
Say,
- As angry as you are with each other, I believe you can reach resolution, but not with this kind of communication. Let’s take a ten minute break and meet again with an eye for finding common ground and moving forward.
If it continues, speak from your own perspective. Say,
- It’s important to me that this issue be resolved, and I don’t see that happening with the way this conversation is going. Let’s meet again at (time) and see if we can improve the tone.
Another phrase that might be useful to you is:
- That’s not helping.
I hope this helps. We can dialog about it more if you like. Check the blog for reader comments.
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My elderly mother’s best friend stopped in for a visit while I was with my mother for a couple of weeks. Dorothy and Mom started arguing about something they have often argued about before. I found myself in the middle, trying to help each see the other’s point of view, through reframing, feedback, etc. They both ended up using me as some sort of communication filter. It felt like they were both trying to win brownie points with me. Mom said their argument was unusual; they generally just agree to disagree. The next week, Dorothy came back and it started again. This time, I told myself, “I don’t have a dog in this fight,” and went into another room, where I could still hear them carrying on, but at least I wasn’t enmeshed in it. Unless the writer is in a position of authority/responsibility between the warring parties, I’d suggest the writer try letting them duke it out sans input.
Comment by Michele Bartlett — March 22, 2007 @ 5:03 pm
Great question to ask, Michele. Do you have a dog in a fight or not! Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — March 29, 2007 @ 11:35 am