May 24, 2007It’s a Gender Thing
Over the years I’ve noticed quite a difference in styles between the four female assistants I‘ve had and the three male assistants. The women all took care of me personally as well as professionally. The men? Not so much. This was illustrated to me last week when I sent articles to post to my male assistant in HTML rather than as a Word doc. I expected him to be pleased that I had done that, but his response was: “This article is black and completely unpostable.” Period. End of sentence.
There was nothing wrong with his remark, but I assure you, the women on my team would have replied much differently. They would have said things to make sure I didn’t feel bad that I sent them something that wasn’t perfect. They might even have apologized to me for not being able to post it as it was. They would have attended to the relationship while responding to the situation.
There are benefits and liabilities with both styles. Sometimes the take-care-of-the-relationship approach seems warmly satisfying, sometimes it seems unnecessarily tedious. Sometimes the just-the-facts approach seems exhilaratingly efficient, sometimes it feels starkly cold. The main challenge on the receiving end is to acknowledge the difference. Occasionally I remind myself that my assistant is a guy and resist my temptation to decipher hidden meaning that doesn’t exist.
If you don’t know which style is more likely to fall on receptive ears, I recommend adding a brief experiential or personal comment that is intended to create connection. Brief is key here. A simple – “We’re getting there.” Or: “That should do it” can keep the straight facts from feeling like a bucket of cold water to the relationally-oriented without losing credibility with the low-touch types.
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It seems important to mirror your boss’s values. Women appear better at mirroring other women’s values (and communication styles) than men, who are on the whole used to mirroring the male side of communication. The gender differences in communication can clash unless we understand that each person attempts to communicate as clearly as they know how. Keeping that in mind as well as the idea that everyone knows only as much as they know and not as much as you know helps as well. Every relationship business or personal in the starting stages takes a lot of observation, verbalization, and communication to understand the optimal speech patterns needed to make the relationship run smoothly. If less emphasis were put on the “way I feel” and more on the message itself the genders may find a better way to communicate. We make the way we feel. No one can make us feel anything we don’t want to feel. Additionally, clinging to those feelings trap us in a series of suppositions regarding the other person’s intentions. Let us be sensitive, but let us not be so affected by our emotions that we can not look at a statement rationally. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy is a good system for limiting irrational reactions to speech. I fly off the handle much less when I realize I have total control over my reactions and my feelings. See Albert Ellis and Tom Miller for more on this.
Comment by Justin — May 24, 2007 @ 2:41 pm
I see the same thing in my job. I am a PC support technician for internal associates at a health insurance company.
When I work on a PC, most of the female associates thank me for all my help when I am done and seem quite excited that their PC is working again. Most of the male associates might thank me, but their tone is much more subdued, as if they were saying, “I appreciate you fixing my PC, but you were just doing your job. No sense is getting all worked up over just doing a job, right?”
Most people find this odd, but I have more trouble with female associates admitting they may have done something wrong to the PC than the male associates. Especially the older female associates. My personal opinion is that the female associates, faced with another female who has skills they do not, feel more threatened than the males do. The men seem more able to say, “I didn’t know that” and go on. The women, again especially the older women, are more likely to deny they did anything at all or argue.
I understand where each is coming from. I just find the difference in attitude fascinating to watch.
DLPoff
Comment by DLPoff — May 25, 2007 @ 8:07 am
When someone does something wrong, I begin with a “Sorry, this did no work”. People, including me, don’t like to be wrong and don’t like their mistakes publically paraded. When a message can be sent clearly and politely, why not? If that is who you want to be. It only takes extra 5 words, so it is efficent (with things) and effective (with people).
Comment by Jerry Wang — May 29, 2007 @ 5:24 pm
I agree with Jerry and Justin that it is a simple and often important thing to adapt to others - and with DL that the difference in the others is fascinating to watch.
Comment by merylrunion — May 30, 2007 @ 8:12 pm