June 19, 2007A Communication Tale of Toilet Training Trauma
Toilet training generally holds little fascination for those who are not dealing with it, yet I couldn’t get enough detail when my friend Kay described her experience with her son Jordon. It was a lesson in how vulnerable we can be to words.
Things were going well until Jordon had an accident around his great-grandmother. Great-grandma said things that were shaming and threatening. From that moment on, Jordon stopped using the toilet and started holding his elimination, leading to constipation. He began to lie about whether he needed to relieve himself or not, which led to a completely new conversation among the family members.
What had started so well turned so bad because of a few well-intended but poorly-considered words. How many of us still live with consequences of careless words spoken when we were vulnerable? And how many of us don’t even realize why we behave the way we do?
The tale reinforces my motto – “Speak as if every word matters. It does.”
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Such a basic human function and how painful that shame can be! Great-grandma’s words could have the same effect as daggers in Jordan’s self esteem.
How many people lose the connection between what their body feels and their brain because of such shaming feelings? They just cut off the “message” that they need something, and eventually lose the ability to feel. It is exactly this type of situation that results in sexual dysfunction and digestive problems throughout our lives.
Everybody does it. Every body HAS to eliminate waste. Why do we pretend it doesn’t happen and then enforce such strict conformance in this area?
Demonstrating encouragement, celebrating successes, and using positive reinforcement is so much more effective in achieving results (with people and pets), than shame and punishment.
Comment by Cynthia Mueller — July 19, 2007 @ 11:28 am