June 19, 2007You Need a Meeting
Sue’s father died last week. Her family seems emotionally shut down through this process soSue told her sister Joy that she wasn’t going to pretend that acting like everything was normal was a healthy reaction to the situation. Joy snapped back,
- You need a meeting.
This phrase has two problems. First, “you need” is a Poison Phrase. Few people like hearing an uninvited declarative of what they need.
The second problem is Joy used a harsh tone that sent Sue the message – “You have a problem. You’re broken. You need to be fixed.”
The suggestion itself actually was a good one. Joy attends AA meetings, and Sue attends other 12-Step Program meetings. Both women treasure the support they get at the meetings, and a meeting would have been very therapeutic for Sue. But even a good suggestion can be a Poison Phrase when spoken in a negative way with negative implications.
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How typical of people to deny other’s need to grieve! As a society we do a poor job of supporting the bereaved,and Sue is the one here who is behaving in a healthy manner.
I don’t see that a 12-step meeting is a good solution to grief, though. I hope the folks there would be more supportive of her than Joy was. However, we need to cut Joy some slack here. She is grieving, too, and it sounds like she was/is still in the anger stage.
I wish people would give each other a pass when dealing with the loss of a loved one! A little kindness goes a long way at that time.
Comment by Sharon Campbell — June 19, 2007 @ 11:26 am
I agree that a more targeted support group would have served Joy better, but the reason why a 12 step meeting would have been helpful is that it’s one place in the world where Joy feels free to be herself.
Comment by merylrunion — June 26, 2007 @ 8:40 am
Dear Meryl: I need suggestions on dealing with “I can’t figure it out” co-workers! This keeps happening over and over the same issues over and over. These co-workers find more ways to blame me for their short-comings and the office manager says I need to be patient. How to I put a stop to this and not be “the bad guy?”
p.s. this is my first submission. If i put this request in the wrong area please forgive. Let me know where I should submit my questions.
Thank you.
Carol
Comment by Carolyn Davis — July 6, 2007 @ 12:40 am
Carol - Here is a suggestion that worked for me in a similar situation.
I had a co-worker who kept coming to me asking for help troubleshooting the same PC issues over and over. I knew the problem wasn’t she didn’t know the answer. The problem was she wanted me to do the work for her. And, darn my hide, I did it!
Then I wised up. Instead of saying “Sure, I’ll look at it for you,” I said, “Sure, I’ll look at it WITH you.” I asked her to bring a notebook with her when we visited the PC. I got a strange look, but she complied. I showed her how to deal with the issue once again and made sure she wrote down the steps.
A few days later, she came to me again for the same issue. I said, “Oh, the notes you took should take care of that issue. Let me know if you have questions, though.”
I repeated the process for a couple other issues, but after the second or third time, she got the message. Now, she just comes to me when she really does need help. Her technical skills improved. My temper improved. It was a real win-win! :+)
DLPoff
Comment by DLPoff — July 18, 2007 @ 9:40 am