July 3, 2007Joe Was Surprised
For 20 years I’ve worked to eliminate my passive communication. Since our recent copyediting teleseminar I’ve been on an accelerated mission to use the active voice almost exclusively. Here’s how I sum up the active voice: Someone does something to someone. The old way (something is done to someone) was as backwards as my thinking when I once apologized to a client because he came a half hour late.
Here’s an example of the passive voice:
- Joe was surprised by Jenny’s appearance.
That became: “Jenny’s appearance surprised Joe.”
I decided to take it one step further. I made Joe the doer and showed his surprise instead of telling of it. Here’s the end result:
“Joe asked Jenny if it was really her three times before he believed it.”
I like practicing new writing skills.
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As a writer, I love to find examples that demonstrate the link between thoughts/beliefs and words. It’s a sloppy habit to say/write: “Joe was surprised by Jenny’s appearance.” When I read this, I infer that Joe is just sitting around, passively observing people and gets surprised.
The second statement, “Jenny’s appearance surprised Joe.” puts a little more emphasis on the subject (Jenny’s appearance), but still sounds flat. A throw away sentence.
The third example just shines. It “shows” instead of “tells” the impact of her appearance. I feel like Joe is actually alive and awake and capable of communicating.
This third example also highlights a writing technique that sparkles — use of language to create the thought in the reader’s head, without using the specific words. The words “Jenny’s appearance” and “surprise” are not mentioned, but the thought is clearly communicated from writer to reader.
Thank you, Meryl!
Comment by Cynthia Mueller — July 19, 2007 @ 10:52 am
I intentionally use the passive voice only when I want to purposely hide the actor. Politicians do this all the time to blame something without taking blame themselves… “Mistakes were made.” (by whom?)
I opened a story with the words: Tom was being hunted. I thought is was effective, but I’m biased.
Comment by Clark — August 14, 2007 @ 7:43 am
Clark, you’re right. There is a place for passive voice.
I heard the origin of the passive voice in government was to indicate that any government communication is really the whole country speaking.
I deliberately use it if something is being done to someone. If Tom is being hunted, he’s the target - and now I’m wondering who is doing the hunting - so you’ve successfully created suspense.
Comment by merylrunion — August 14, 2007 @ 10:49 am
Thanks. I have also found that by practicing E-prime (English without the verb “to be”), almost all passive voice dissappears. You can’t use the words: Is, Are, Was, Were, or any other form of To Be. Instead, one must find more active verbs. It also eliminates any permanence in that “Is” can really mean “Equals”, e.g., “he is stupid” means “he=stupid”. Using E-Prime, I have to find a better verb like “acts”, “behaves”, or maybe even “seems” or “remains”. But at least it makes me stop and re-conclude I still feel the same way.
Comment by Clark — August 14, 2007 @ 2:55 pm
Great point about the is being the same as =. Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — August 28, 2007 @ 1:00 pm