September 2, 2007Yeah-but-you and Dems do it too
No one’s perfect
Have you ever told a lie? We all have. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to object when someone lies to you. But “yeah-but-you-ers” act like it does.
Mention the beam in a yeah-but-you-er’s eye, and the yeah-but-you-er will find a speck in yours. Object to a yeah-but-you-er’s offense, and the yeah-but-you-er will find an offense of yours to object to. Ask a yeah-but-you-er for a higher standard of behavior, and the yeah-but-you-er will find an example of a time when your behavior did not live up to that standard.
If allowed, yeah-but-you-ing ends in deadlock. Behavior deteriorates to the lowest common denominator and issues don’t get resolved.
Political yeah-but-yous
Do you have yeah-but-you-ers in your life? I’m happy to report that I don’t any more. But we see them daily in the political arena.
Last week’s political scandal was on the Republican side, so the predictable result was a parade of yeah-but-they (you) Democratic scandals, (some dating back almost forty years.)
The implication is that there’s “an equal pox on both houses,” and it is therefore hypocritical to want to deal with a pox on one.
I don’t care whose house a pox is on. I want to go after the pox wherever I find it.
It’s a distraction
Yeah-but-you is a diversionary, distracting manipulation technique. If you are yeah-but-you’d, say, “We’re talking about you right now. If you have an issue with something I’ve done, I’m happy to discuss it later.”
And if they raise a legitimate issue, be sure you do discuss it as promised.
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As far as I can see, the Republicans moved swiftly to hold Senator Craig accountable, and within a short period of time he was gone. The same can’t be said of the Democratic Party leadership, and that’s the double standard that many of us find deplorable. Witness William Jefferson’s bribery, Barney Frank’s prostitution ring run from his home, Bill Clinton’s sexual dalliances in the White House with an intern. I could go on and on. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong for both sides. Where’s your indignation toward these offenders?
Comment by John Moorman — September 4, 2007 @ 3:38 pm
John brings up some good points but I had to laugh; he is personifying “yeah-but-youing”! Meryl just said people justify their bad behavior by pointing out yours. If I understand him correctly, John is saying yeah, the Republicans did some bad stuff but look at what the Democrats did! Thank you, John, for making Meryl’s point so clearly.
Comment by Cindi Myers — September 4, 2007 @ 3:56 pm
The point of this post was to detail a diversionary technique that was used extensively by Republicans last week and has been used by Democrats, siblings, employees, spouses, friends and scores of others who want to avoid addressing questionable behavior. It’s a technique I used when I was younger and less committed to responsible communication. It’s a technique that I have to watch for when I address my own issues or mediate with others, because it’s easy to not even realize that the other person has changed the subject and is taken me/us down a rabbit hole.
It’s the kids saying “well you didn’t punish my brother when he…” It’s the employee saying, “I don’t know how you know I’ve been late since you’re hardly even here.” It’s the friend saying, “well you were late once too…”
The point of my post was not about Senator Craig’s behavior or how the situation was handled or what the balance looks like on the scandal scale. The point was that this tactic keeps us from addressing issues realistically and effectively, and keeps the standards of behavior low.
I was tempted to respond to some of John’s points but I won’t because that’s exactly where this tactic hooks the targets. For example, you can start out talking about the boat your spouse bought without consulting you and end up talking about what kind of flowers you had at your wedding and wonder how you got there…and never come to an agreement on the real issue of how you spend money.
I write what I need to learn – and though I don’t believe I still use this tactic, I do know that I fall for it sometimes. It’s a good one to rise above.
Comment by merylrunion — September 4, 2007 @ 5:16 pm
My post was not an attempt to defend or justify anyone’s behavior. My comment was simply an observation that condemnation should rest with the act without regard to the political leanings of the actor.
Comment by John Moorman — September 7, 2007 @ 1:24 pm
I’m with you there, John. In fact, that was the point I was making – or trying to make. That kind of neutrality is rare in the political world – and not so common in day to day life either.
Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — September 8, 2007 @ 4:46 pm
[...] raising an issue with him. It’s a game I call “yeah but you.” Learn more about it here. | Email This [...]
Pingback by A PowerPhrase A Week » Poison Phrase: Well, I don’t like it when you talk to me from another room. — November 8, 2007 @ 5:17 pm