September 15, 2007Ask Meryl -vegetarian in a meat-eater’s world
Meryl
I recently went on a vacation with a large group of old friends. I am a vegetarian, but I have never tried to make that an inconvenience for those around me. I told my friends to just plan meals as they normally would - I’d be perfectly content feasting on side items.
The spouse of one of my friends made some kind but misguided efforts to accommodate me. For example, she found a soy product that was made to taste like turkey, and she fixed it for me the night we were grilling. I appreciated the gesture, but I don’t eat meat because the taste of it freaks me out. So a non-meat product that is made to taste like meat freaks me out too. This is not the first time she has done this. I have thanked her multiple times but told her to please not feel like she has to do this because I feel awkward inconveniencing others. Since she continued to go to extra lengths to feed me, should I have found a way to communicate that the taste of meat bothers me? Is there a way I could have said that that would have protected her feelings? Should I have asked her husband’s advice, since I don’t know her well enough and he is my friend?
Thanks for your input.
Meryl Responds:
This is why I recommend being direct from the outset- it gets harder to tell the truth once you’ve faked it a few times. You gave not wanting her to go to the extra trouble as a reason, and she decided she’s happy to go to the extra trouble.
Since she appears to want to accommodate you, why not suggest an easy way for her to do that? Next time you can say,
* It’s hard for the meat-eaters in the world to know how to feed us vegetarians, and I want you to know that I really am happy with the side dishes. I’ve never told you what I like before because I really haven’t wanted you to go out of your way for me, but since you’ve been going the extra mile, I wanted to let you know what my favorites are. I like brand X veggie burgers that you can get in the freezer isle of the grocery store, brand Y garden burgers, and sometimes it’s a great treat to eat (?)
Then, if she serves something different, tell the truth. Let her know how much you appreciate the effort, that you’re there for the company, and you’re getting what you’re there for by being able to spend time with her.
Be sure to read the Lithuanian Toast success story. IT got a little tense but turned out fine.
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I’ve been a vegetarian for 10 years and I can sympathize with this issue. I have learned that specificity is the key to success in food communication. I am always surprised to discover that some people believe that if they eat chicken and fish and only eat meat on occasion, that they can call themselves vegetarian. I have to remind myself that anyone can call themselves anything they want.
My point is that because people have different ideas about vegetarianism, I need to be specific about my own restrictions. I eat no fish, chicken, pork, or meat. I won’t eat meat-based broth or food cooked in it. (When people argue with me that broth really isn’t meat, I respond by saying that “the chicken didn’t just swim around in your pot, then get out and go home.”) I also eat no gelatin (typically found in Jello, puddings, sour cream and yogurt). Some dressings and sauces contain fish or anchovy paste.
Being vegetarian is a full-time job: part detective, part diplomat, part teacher, and part nutritionist. It also requires being ready to skip dinner and pick up something suitable to eat on the way home
When people ask me how strict I am, I joke that I am a “Wisconsin Vegetarian - eggs and cheese.” I wish I were disciplined enough to be vegan, but I am not.
I have had people slip a little meat into my food, either to “trick” me or just to prove some misguided point. That type of behavior shows me exactly how little respect they have my beliefs.
Comment by Cynthia Mueller — September 17, 2007 @ 4:58 pm
As a vegetarian and coach I’m in agreement with much of your advice Meryl and Cynthia’s too. The other thing I wanted to add is that I personally believe that we’re better off when we let other people take care of themselves rather than attempting to do that for them. For instance in the original post, the person worried about “inconveniencing others” and she has no control over that. It would be much more straight-forward to say something like, “I’m a strict vegetarian–no meat, including fish, no chicken stock, no gelatin. I know that many people aren’t familiar with cooking for vegetarians, so I plan to bring my own food to add to the meal. If you want to have some other vegetarian dishes, I’ll give you a list of things to include and avoid. What works best for you?” It might seem too direct for some folks, yet I’ve found that most people appreciate this information because they do want me included, yet don’t always know how to do that on their own.
Comment by Shonnie — September 19, 2007 @ 7:35 am
Well said, Shonnie! I especially LOVE the last question, “What works best for you?” That really takes any potential “sting” out of being direct.
Regarding your comment about letting people take care of themselves rather than attempting to do it for them: Words to live by! I’m working on strengthening my boundaries. Your comment will help me remember to stick to my own side until I’m asked for help.
Comment by Cynthia Mueller — September 19, 2007 @ 12:56 pm
I was vegetarian for years. I eat chicken and fish again now…but I’m carbohydrate intolerant, so my diet now is more difficult to accommodate than when I was vegetarian!
I was deeply touched when my mother-in-law took the time to learn what worked for me. It’s a lot to ask of most people to do that.
I think the comment about not wanting to inconvenience people is to say we don’t expect people to accommodate our choices. Shonnie, your point is well taken that we should let them draw their own boundaries. It’s all balance.
And if someone tries to accommodate us, if they try unsuccessfully, if we eat it to keep from hurting their feelings, they’ll never know what works.
Perhaps another option is to say,
* I follow a pretty different diet that works well for me. I’m sure I can find plenty to eat in the side dishes and what I bring. I don’t expect you to accommodate me - but if you decide you want to try, let me know and we talk about recipes.
You know, in the end it all comes down to the right questions, doesn’t it? The hostess in the original post tried to guess what would work, and probably never thought to ask.
I’m continually amazed by the conversations it never occurs to us to have.
Comment by merylrunion — September 20, 2007 @ 8:04 am
My fourteen-year-old son became a vegan after watching the movie, “Supersize Me.” At first I thought it was a passing phase but then I realized that he really preferred the foods he was chosing and that he needed my support, as many of his friends “teased” him for his choice to forego all dairy, junk food, sugar, etc. I assisted by buying him healthy food/vegan books, and he studied and learned what to do to get the right balance of nutrition. We also visited some of the natural health food stores and spoke to experts.
Today, three years later, he still wrinkles his nose from time to time when he sees me eat a steak, but he has learned to respect my choices as I have learned to respect his. Generally speaking, he has been a positive influence on MY health.
We usually prepare separate meals during the week (he loves to cook for himself), but on weekends we come together as much as possible to share in the traditional family meal. I believe family time is still important.
I believe that if you truly love someone, you don’t feel “put out” to accommodate their needs, any more than you would feel “put out” to accommodate someone with a medical condition or food allergy.
Comment by Brenda Lee — September 24, 2007 @ 5:47 pm