September 16, 2007Ask Meryl ~ I’m with him
Hi Meryl,
Today I read your article about re-railing the de-railed discussion. What do you do about someone who won’t talk at all?
My marriage broke up 6 years ago due to my ex-husband’s bi-polar disorder. His financial shenanigans cost my parents a great deal of money in legal fees. For the past 2 years, I have been dating a wonderful man who is very good to me and to my three children. My mother has never bothered to get to know him. Instead, she literally ignores him.
He is a South-Georgia country boy who did not finish his college education. He is currently back in school pursuing an undergraduate degree in Paralegal Studies. My mother is extremely conscious of money and status, so John is unsuitable in her view. Mother’s extreme rudeness to him has forced me to choose between her and John. I seldom see my parents now. This is causing emotional pain to my children, especially to my oldest son.
Mom is the adult child of an alcoholic, and is extremely controlling and critical. How can I communicate with someone like this?
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
Meryl responds,
I had a good friend who was diagnosed bi-polar, and, boy did that explain a lot! She managed it pretty well, but she would drop in and out of my life. Actually, she still does now, 25 years later.
Congrats on finding someone who is really suitable and not just on-paper suitable.
To be able to advise you well, I would need more detail:
1) What kind of things did she say that keeps you from visiting?
2) Does she live nearby? Can you and/or the kids see her without John?
3) Have you had any direct conversations with your mother about it?
If I know what she said, I can suggest ways to respond to comments.
If I know the demographics I can suggest workarounds.
If I know what conversations you’ve had about her attitude toward him, I can suggest what conversations you could have.
Based on what it sounds like to me now, I’d say,
• Mom, I’d like to be able to have you AND John in my life. I know you don’t approve and I’m not asking you to. I am asking you to be polite to him. Until you can promise to be gracious to him, I can’t come visit.
I once cut my own mother off for six months because I found her too caustic to be around. It was hard, but when she came back into my life, we got along great.
I suspect had I had the communication skills then that I do now, I could have set my boundaries without the hiatus. I didn’t, so I needed the more extreme measure of staying away from a dynamic I found toxic. Hopefully you won’t have to be as drastic.
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I think you could start by explaining to your mother how much you appreciate what she’s done for you, acknowledging her sacrifice and support during your unsuccessful marriage and the problems that resulted from it.
You could add a comment about what you learned from the experience and how much you need her love and support. Then segue into a comment about the qualities you NOW value in a relationship: respect, honor, love, gentleness, good with your children, etc. Explain how this new man fulfills those needs for you and how he supports your new life.
“Mom, John is an important part of our lives now. He may not be the person you’d pick for me, but he treats me with love and respect. He is honest, kind, and supportive. He is taking active steps to improve himself through advanced education. Because I love and respect you as my mother, I am asking you to treat him with respect just as you taught us to treat guests with respect when we were growing up.”
She may not realize that she is penalizing John for the pain and heartache caused by your ex-husband. You could withdraw from the relationship with her. When she calls to find out why, or just asks to see you, you could agree to sit down and “have a talk” with her.
Time heals all wounds.
Comment by Cynthia Mueller — September 17, 2007 @ 5:39 pm
I love you guys. When I advocate a hard line, you always come up with a softer option.The softer may not work, but it makes sense to start there. Thanks!
Comment by merylrunion — September 17, 2007 @ 6:42 pm
Does John have the personality to approach your mother
and get to know her? My mother did not like my husband
when we started going out. He decided to win her over.
He would tease her and talk to her. He used to come over
every night. One night he didn’t show up and she said to me
“Where’s Tom, when he’s here he drives me crazy but I miss
him when’s her not!” Remember John is his own person,let your
mother get to know him (warts and all).
Comment by Phoebe — September 18, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
Great point, Phoebe. He is his own person. The author needs to manage her own relationship with her mom, and he needs to manage his. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that it’s her mother so it’s her responsibility to mediate. But he’s an adult and can decide what he will accept, how to deal with what he can’t, and - who knows - maybe even charming his way into her heart.
Thanks for pointing that out.
Comment by merylrunion — September 20, 2007 @ 8:42 am