October 12, 2007Ask Meryl: Unwelcome houseguest
Meryl:
Every child and partner in our blended family has a key to our home. It symbolizes that even though they live elsewhere, they can come to a place of security and support anytime.
We have a daughter living overseas (my daughter by a previous marriage) who has a lot of issues and is difficult to cope with other than for a short time. She, her husband and toddler child stayed with us for a month in June. It was very difficult.
She has announced they are returning for a few months and are looking for rental accommodations, the implication being that they will stay with us until they find a place to rent. My wife refuses, and I support her decision, as she bears the brunt of the difficulties.
What can I say to my daughter?
Meryl Responds:
I have a few questions for you to ask yourself.
- Did you stay silent about the problems last time?
Is it possible that they don’t have a clue that things were difficult?
And is it possible that they don’t know because you never indicated otherwise?
If so, you may need to own up to it. I’d say, - (Daughter), we’re delighted you’re coming and we look forward to seeing you. I do need to tell you that we love our routines and would welcome you in our home for up to (days) but would like to have our home to ourselves after that. So if you need a place to stay while you look to rent, we welcome you for (days.)
Be ready to explain exactly what was disruptive about their visit. Be ready to say,
- When you were here last time, we weren’t honest about the issues involved with having the three of you here. I apologize for that, because I think you deserve the truth.
If you didn’t let her know there was a problem before, you denied them the opportunity to adjust. In any case, when you break the news, do let her know the many ways you look forward to their visit. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, but it’s still a good thing.
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