October 21, 2007Poison Phrase: Consider the alternative
Susan and Ian were a new couple. In a tender moment, Susan said, “My heart is beating.” Ian replied,
- Well, consider the alternative.
Susan made a heart/feeling remark. Ian responded with a head/thinking remark. By taking Susan’s comment literally, responding intellectually and being clever instead of tender, Ian destroyed the feeling of the moment.
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From going to counseling about these same kind of remarks from my ex-spouse, I can say that Ian’s remark tends to put distance between them whether purposely or unthinking. He certainly wasn’t in the moment wit his significant other.
Comment by Patricia Armijo — October 29, 2007 @ 4:37 pm
Sounds like one of those Venus-Mars moments to me. In my experience, most men just do not live in the same emotionally based place that most women live in. Cut the guy some slack, and practice speaking strong yourself by explaining to him how his comment made you feel. I’m guessing you can tell the difference between someone who doesn’t care how you are feeling and who you are, and someone who is just emotionally clumsy or inexperienced.
Comment by Kathleen — November 13, 2007 @ 12:36 pm
This is a classic statement my husband would make. He’s a paramedic and tends to think on a medical level even when he’s off his shift. We’ve discussed his perspective regarding intimate moments and he has made some effort in the 30 years we’ve been married. I agree, though with Kathleen’s statement that some partners are just emotionally clumsy. I’ve learned to forgive him, and keep it in perspective. I also coach him on what responses I really like to hear. He’s an intelligent man, so he’s worth the effort. We also read (together) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – by John Gray which really helped with our communication issues. What keeps us together is gentle coaching, a sense of humor, honesty, and forgiveness.
Comment by Kim Jones — November 20, 2007 @ 7:08 pm
I would have thought he meant it could have been beating at a faster pace after receiving a kiss. Ian could have clean that one up quickly.
Comment by Charlotte — November 21, 2007 @ 12:28 pm