November 11, 2007Ask Meryl ~ “Sorry to be blunt.”
Our manager “apologizes for being blunt” when talking with subordinates and colleagues. He’s really disrespectful and/or condescending. I’m all for honest feedback and/or robust discussions to move forward with work, but being disrespectful and condescending cuts off valuable participation of many valued workers. Many have decided to be silent rather than expose themselves to such an experience. What do we say to a person who uses their power position and rude comments to cut people off and put them down?
- Name, I appreciate your directness and am happy there’s no need to guess what your opinion is. I think you may not be aware of when your directness becomes intimidating. It cuts off valuable discussion.
- We’re afraid to be direct with you. In fact, I had to psyche myself up to talk with you now. Please be respectful in your responses.
- I’m interested in your point, but when you speak so bluntly, I find it difficult to get your message, and even more difficult to want to respond.
I tell a story about a woman who addressed issues with an overbearing boss in Chapter 4 of PowerPhrases! . While her attempts were met with hostility, the manager applied the information and changed her behavior. Five years later, the manager actually acknowledged her for being the only person to ever address an issue with her. I tell you this because while addressing issues with the boss is high risk, if truth and reason is on your side, it is likely to be worth the risk.
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Blunt and direct
Direct communications say what you mean. They are factual, clear, complete, candid and an essential part of relationships. They are problem-focused and may address issues that are important but uncomfortable.
Blunt communications go beyond direct and become mean. They may include insults, barbs, humiliations, innuendos, and other Ad hominem attacks on the person. They cross the line into violence as they reveal anger or even distain as they attack the person rather than address the problem.
But we react and decide based on both passion and reason. Blunt may have a role after direct has run its course. If conscientious but dispassionate direct communications have failed to communicate the true sense of importance and urgency, the emotional impact of blunt communications may be warranted to effect urgent change.
If you saw a child running into the street toward oncoming traffic your communication has to be direct and urgent. Displaying an edge of anger or fear in your communication may be effective in getting the child’s attention and preventing an accident.
Comment by Lee Beaumont — November 24, 2007 @ 9:56 am
Yep, Lee, I’m with you. My motto is: “A PowerPhrase is as strong as it needs to be an no stronger.”
If you’re using bluntness because the situation calls for it, it’s absolutely appropriate.
Comment by merylrunion — November 28, 2007 @ 12:17 pm