November 20, 2007Ask Meryl: Contradiction

Filed under: Ask Meryl by merylrunion |

Meryl,
How do I handle a coworker who consistently contradicts me, and who won’t accept accountability for her errors? I want to have a healthy friendship with her and don’t want to jeopardize that by complaining.

Meryl responds:

I used to do what your friend does. It was out of a desire to be helpful. I was stunned into awareness when I offered some advice to a friend who responded, “I know you, you always say no.”

I have a friend who still does this. In her case, I think it’s a desire to explore all sides of an issue – but I find myself polarized and it gets adversarial. We’re working out our own communication guidelines to get past the barriers.

Regarding your colleague’s adversarial nature, I’d say:

Are you aware that you tend to play devil’s advocate? It seems like you tend to take the opposite position from me, no matter what my position is. That leaves me feeling discounted. I’d like to be able to talk with you from the same side of the fence sometimes.

Regarding her unwillingness to take accountability, if she corrects the errors, I wouldn’t worry whether she owns them or not. If she doesn’t correct the errors – and if she gives a BS answer – say,

How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?

I have responded to people who BS me by saying:

That doesn’t add up to me

…and then moving on to solutions. I can’t remember specific instances, but I do remember that it worked out just fine. You never know how she will respond to being called on her behavior until you try.

In my opinion, any relationship that is based on pretense isn’t really all that healthy anyway. If you can’t be truthful about issues, it’s a limited friendship.

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5 Comments »

BS - I don’t like acroynms. Call it what you will, cussing and inappropriate language does not make you any more professional or for people to take your comments seriously.

I am strongly opposed to any cussing in the workplace, even under the guise of acroynms.

My suggestion is to use more appropriate wording. Liz in Iowa

Comment by Liz Pruisner — November 20, 2007 @ 2:03 pm
The phrase “Are you aware that you tend to play devil’s advocate?” is a judgement that presupposes you know the other party’s intent. It’s also a phrase that may be offensive to individuals of particular spiritual beliefs.

I also wonder if this is one issue or two: does the co-worker “constantly contradict” as well as “refuse to take accountability” OR does the co-worker refuse to accept accountability by using contradiction as a defense?I see these as different situations requiring different approaches.

What those approaches are depends on the relationship between the two parties, which isn’t clear from the given context. Does the writer have supervisory responsibility over the co-worker? It would seem so, but that isn’t specified within the posting. If so, I also wonder about the blurring of the distinction between “friend” vs. “co-worker” or “friend ” vs. “supervised person.” [I dislike saying "subordinate."] If the writer does not have supervisory responsibility, is the writer out of line for correcting work mistakes? Again, that isn’t clear from the context.

In my experience, the word “we” can also create a barrier to change, most often when it is attached to a real or perceived negative, as in “How can WE make sure this doesn’t happen again?” If the speaker did nothing wrong (in his or her mind), the entire burden of change is on the other party. I have found it more effective to focus on the desired result, e.g., “How can we make sure that we communicate more clearly with each other in the future?” This subtle shift of wording indicates some willingness to accept responsibility on the spaeker’s part, a willingness less clear to me in the suggested reply.

Comment by bp — November 20, 2007 @ 2:49 pm
Okay, Liz and BP. you both caught what I let slip past. Liz, I did question my use of BS and left it in because I don’t know another word that conveys the meaning better. I’d like suggestions for alternatives. I will stay away from using it in the future, because you’re right, even in acronyms, they evoke the actual phrase.

And BP. I also appreciate your pointing out the potentially inflammatory connotations of the words Devil’s Advocate. I used the phrase because it has been effective for me in my conversations with people I know pretty well, and when I used it, the phrase was taken as I intended - more as a description than a judgment. You are correct to suggest that it’s a potential landmine. Also, your distinctions with the we sentence is well stated and more likely to achieve the desired result than what I suggested.

Thanks to you both. I’d rather my advice was always perfect in every way. It’s not, and I appreciate the input. Thanks so much!

Comment by merylrunion — November 20, 2007 @ 5:31 pm
Hi Meryl, I received my Pippi and it hangs pride of place in my car. I also have the sticker on my laptop so I see it everyday as I love your phrase ’say what you mean, mean what you say AND don’t be mean when you say it. However the sticker has the word ‘BUT’- don’t be mean when you say it. As a trainer, I often ask to replace the work ‘but’with ‘however’ or ‘and’ or simply not use it (although it is difficult to get used to!) as it ‘verbally erases’ the previous positive words. So, I have erased the ‘but’ on my sticker as it goes against the grain for me! What do others think?

Comment by Beatrice — November 29, 2007 @ 8:26 am
Hey Beatrice - how appropriate that you posted this sticker comment on a post titled “contradiction.”

You are right - AND is better. I’m glad to be reminded of this before I reorder them.

I think “but” has a place in our vocabulary and there are times when using “and” comes across as convoluted and occasionally inaccurate - but my sticker isn’t one of those times. Thanks!

Comment by merylrunion — December 3, 2007 @ 8:44 am