December 19, 2007This Week in the World: Unite and Concur
Did you miss me? I’ve been writing intensely. I’m taking on the big one. My new book applies SpeakStrong techniques to our political conversations. It’s not a political book – it’s a communication book about how to have reasonable and productive political dialog. I’m very excited about it.
The title is: From divide and conquer to…Unite and Concur: How to Stop Arguing and Start Communicating with Your Political Opposite. At least, that’s the title today…
I will create a separate newsletter for Unite and Concur, but for now, I have a challenge for you. If you’re spending the holidays with someone you disagree with politically, notice your own resistance to what they say. For now, don’t correct them, contradict them or try to convince them of anything. Instead, look for ways you stop listening. See if you can hear something you didn’t know, and try to find something you agree with them about.
This is a first step toward healthy political conversations. Actually, it’s a first step toward bridging any divide, so if some other topic divides you, put it to work – and let me know how it worked for you.
I’ll be posting to my blog over the holidays and back to my usual newsletter format in the New Year.
December 19, 2007PowerPhrase of the Week: What would you guess we agree about on this topic?
After years of hostile political conversations, Kelly decided she wanted to change the dynamic between herself and her friend Tom, so they could stop arguing and start communicating.
Tom asked Kelly what she thought about illegal immigration. She asked him,
- What would you guess we agree about on the topic?
That question started the conversation based on agreement. They discovered that they had far more in common than they knew, they were able to share information with each other, and they discussed differences without hostility.
Tom said, “I like agreeing better.”
Use the agreement approach to set the tone for other topics besides politics.
December 19, 2007Poison Phrase: You sound angry
After spending hours enjoying a website created by a psychologist I’ll call Ellie, I found a post that characterized one public figure as Buddha and another as Abuser. I read the responses of her readers with interest. Several commenters objected to her comparisons. I found Ellie’s response defensive in general, and was surprised when she dismissed two comments by saying, “You sound angry. I wonder what it’s really about.”
To me, the objections sounded reasoned, not angry. But even if they were angry, I found it irresponsible for a psychologist to dismiss anger directed toward her as if it had nothing to do with her.
December 19, 2007Ask Meryl: A loud roommate
Meryl,
My roommate and I have a problem with volume. When I or our third roommate have people over, we talk quietly, using “inside voices.” When she invites over guests, they are anything but. The house is small and even upstairs behind closed doors loud sounds from downstairs are annoying and distracting, and, frankly, nervous-making. One option would be to insist on a no-visitors policy, but visitors per se is not the real issue — it’s volume. I guess I want to say simply that she and her guests talk too loud; unfortunately, I’m afraid that sounds like a personal affront. Consequently, I haven’t had the courage to say anything.
The other night she mentioned some friends of hers were going to be coming over for dinner in fifteen minutes. Since I happened to be on my way out anyway, I didn’t say anything, but I do feel that at some point I have to address this. It’s making me depressed and nervous in the house even when nobody is over.
I deeply respect you and the advice you give and am hoping you can take time to give this one a reply.
Meryl responds
In my new book I use roommates as an example of how to discuss an issue as a shared problem rather than saying the other person is the problem.
Your shared problem is figuring out how to entertain guests in a way that works for both of you.
Your roommate might not mind if you were to use your “outside voices” on the inside, and she might be disturbed by something you do that wouldn’t bother you if she did it.
Your roommate’s guests aren’t too loud – they’re just louder than you’re comfortable with.
So I would say,
- (Name,) I find myself tensing up when you have guests because I’m uncomfortable with how loud they are. I know you’re having fun and I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I’m wondering if you and they can tone it down or we can work something else out that works for both of us.
You need to say something or resentment will build. If you roommate is reasonable she’ll be willing to work it out with you. And if she’s not, you’ll find out by trying.
December 19, 2007Reader Success Story: Honey do - but not today
I recently removed steps for a balcony. When my wife saw it, she commented on the bare patch it exposed and a number of other things that needed repair. Here’s how I heard it: “This is unsatisfactory and I want it fixed now.”
Later, when we were not so wound up, I said “We had problems earlier today and I need to explain what I did. I get wound up when I have done a job and you talk about the things you want done, because I feel under pressure to do it immediately, and I am just not prepared to do it right then. I say, ‘Yes I will, but not today’ to acknowledge that I see it as needing to be done in a time frame. I am not getting defensive; I am being emotionally neutral and resolving the thing so we both have the job acknowledged properly.”
Silence.
Later, my sweetheart was talking about something she would like to see done. She paused, looked at me, and said with a smile “But not today”. Now we discuss things to be done and they are “Not today jobs” and “today jobs”. There is a happy interaction because we now separate the jobs from the timetable and as long as I acknowledge the job needs doing, she is usually happy for me to put it on the list and do it as I prioritize all the jobs.
December 18, 2007This Week in the World: People “Paid It Forward” at Starbucks
Did you read about the chain of people tho paid for the coffee for the cars behind them last week? It started with a Tai Chi master who wanted to “change the consciousness” of the hostile customer behind him. Apparently, it worked so well, the good will was passed on all day.
The man who started it said, “I wanted to take something negative and turn it into something positive.”
That’s actually the point of SpeakStrong. Of course there are times to set boundaries and say - “This doesn’t work for me,” but even that is best done with a sense of kindness. It’s a verbal “Pay it forward” philosophy.
December 5, 2007This Week in the World: What would you like to know about how to talk to your political opposite?
I am planning a new blog about how to have reasonable dialog about political issues with people we care about who hold different views from our own. It will apply SpeakStrong principles to our personal political conversations. It won’t be about party, politicians or pundits. It will be about how you can talk to your neighbor, sister or colleague without getting into a fist fight.
What questions do you have about political dialog? Would you like to know what to say when someone forwards you a virulent political email? Would you like to know how to respond when someone goes off on a hostile political rant? Is there something you’d like to know how to say?
The blog is many weeks away. Your input now will help me define my purpose. Please post questions here.
December 4, 2007PowerPhrase: We slide wisdom teeth out
I mentioned the possibility to my dentist that I might want him to yank my wisdom teeth out instead of filling them. He said,
- We don’t yank them out. We slide them out.
Sound more appealing.
December 4, 2007PowerPhrase - We’ll work on that
A new clerk awkwardly handed me my change, and looked to her boss to see if she had done it properly. There was no pretending she had. The boss said,
We’ll work on that.
The tone was supportive. The phrase focused on the solution rather than the problem. It was well received.
December 3, 2007Reader success story: I’m doing my job by asking you to do yours.
I work with several managers in other states to compile a series of reports. One of the managers constantly must be reminded to update a report that they should be reviewing daily. When I see that the report has fallen behind I send a simple one-line email request for an update. Sometimes it takes several emails before the update occurs. He has complained to my boss that I badger him about the report.
The other day I took a more direct approach and called him directly asking for the updated information. His response was less than cooperative and I was surprised to hear “why don’t you just do YOUR job?” After the initial shock (a few seconds) was over I simply told him “I’m doing my job. What I need is for you to do yours.” I received the report about an hour later.
