December 19, 2007Ask Meryl: A loud roommate
Meryl,
My roommate and I have a problem with volume. When I or our third roommate have people over, we talk quietly, using “inside voices.” When she invites over guests, they are anything but. The house is small and even upstairs behind closed doors loud sounds from downstairs are annoying and distracting, and, frankly, nervous-making. One option would be to insist on a no-visitors policy, but visitors per se is not the real issue — it’s volume. I guess I want to say simply that she and her guests talk too loud; unfortunately, I’m afraid that sounds like a personal affront. Consequently, I haven’t had the courage to say anything.
The other night she mentioned some friends of hers were going to be coming over for dinner in fifteen minutes. Since I happened to be on my way out anyway, I didn’t say anything, but I do feel that at some point I have to address this. It’s making me depressed and nervous in the house even when nobody is over.
I deeply respect you and the advice you give and am hoping you can take time to give this one a reply.
Meryl responds
In my new book I use roommates as an example of how to discuss an issue as a shared problem rather than saying the other person is the problem.
Your shared problem is figuring out how to entertain guests in a way that works for both of you.
Your roommate might not mind if you were to use your “outside voices” on the inside, and she might be disturbed by something you do that wouldn’t bother you if she did it.
Your roommate’s guests aren’t too loud – they’re just louder than you’re comfortable with.
So I would say,
- (Name,) I find myself tensing up when you have guests because I’m uncomfortable with how loud they are. I know you’re having fun and I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I’m wondering if you and they can tone it down or we can work something else out that works for both of us.
You need to say something or resentment will build. If you roommate is reasonable she’ll be willing to work it out with you. And if she’s not, you’ll find out by trying.
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Your reader needs to stop and consider whether the people involved might have a hearing loss, in which case the volume may be unavoidabel.
Comment by Sharon Campbell — December 19, 2007 @ 1:09 pm
I agree with what Meryl says, you want to try and create value here and not claim value. The value being an enjoyable environment for you and your roommate. I think most peope are reasonable and will want to listen in effort to understand and make the change that is good for both parties.
I would not say that you lack the courage to say something it is more you want to approach it in the right way and that is what you are looking for. Being sincere and honest are the keys as well as offering an option as Meryl points out. This shows you care about the relationship and not just the issue.
Best wishes for success!
John Gray
Comment by John Gray — December 31, 2007 @ 7:51 am
If there are 3 roommates, then routine “policy” or “state-of-the-house” meetings might create a non threatening forum for all 3 parties to air grievances AND gratitudes. As Meryl mentioned, the quieter roommates may be doing things that offend the louder roommate as well. Noise seems like a pretty important issue however, so maybe you need to consider a new 3rd roommate when the current lease is up.
Comment by Kathleen — January 4, 2008 @ 8:47 am
Great points! Always new possible perspectives.
The State of the House meetings are a fabulous idea even if there are no issues.
Comment by merylrunion — January 8, 2008 @ 8:05 am