December 19, 2007Reader Success Story: Honey do – but not today
I recently removed steps for a balcony. When my wife saw it, she commented on the bare patch it exposed and a number of other things that needed repair. Here’s how I heard it: “This is unsatisfactory and I want it fixed now.”
Later, when we were not so wound up, I said “We had problems earlier today and I need to explain what I did. I get wound up when I have done a job and you talk about the things you want done, because I feel under pressure to do it immediately, and I am just not prepared to do it right then. I say, ‘Yes I will, but not today’ to acknowledge that I see it as needing to be done in a time frame. I am not getting defensive; I am being emotionally neutral and resolving the thing so we both have the job acknowledged properly.”
Silence.
Later, my sweetheart was talking about something she would like to see done. She paused, looked at me, and said with a smile “But not today”. Now we discuss things to be done and they are “Not today jobs” and “today jobs”. There is a happy interaction because we now separate the jobs from the timetable and as long as I acknowledge the job needs doing, she is usually happy for me to put it on the list and do it as I prioritize all the jobs.
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I discovered that in similar situations to this one, I tend to take comments as though the request must have action today or right away. The way others state their needs or desires can come across as though something must be done right away, but I have had to learn to not assume an immediate time frame. I like the way you stated when you could do the job. It is positive, showing you are willing to help, but that you have something else scheduled. My other option is to ask for a time frame, which opens up better discussion about this new request and how it fits into the big picture.
Comment by Iris — December 19, 2007 @ 2:23 pm