March 27, 2008Poison Phrase ~ You failed to include…
I love my readers. They point out my typos and errors in such gracious ways it almost makes me want to make deliberate errors to invite more.
Sometimes we’re not that lucky. Sometimes people use poison phrases like:
You failed to include
The “you” language points blame, and the word “failed” is a dramatic absolute word that demoralizes.
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My job provides an opportunity for seeing other people’s psychology playing out, almost to the point of embarrassment. One of my duties is to review the work of other employees. I am not a supervisor, so I do not have the luxury of pulling them off their regular duties to speak with them; to make sure we are on the same page. I must put all the feedback and review notes in writing. Although I consciously try very hard not to use negative and blaming language, I eventually figured out that no matter what I wrote, it was going to be interpreted through the employee’s own filters and opinions about themselves, me, and the organization we work for. We humans do NOT like being critiqued. The up side of criticism, as I see it, is only minimally about the activity being critiqued. Rather it is about getting another opportunity to learn how to distinguish between the feelings of the “animal” in me that worries about survival, and the “human” in me that wants to get all the information I can about how I can improve and evolve.
Comment by Kathleen — May 16, 2008 @ 8:04 am
In various committees I have heard more positive phrases like these:
Could I add . . .?
Have we included . . .?
Let’s don’t forget . . .
These phrases are not so critical, but do allow for additional points that haven’t yet been processed or submitted.
Comment by Iris — May 27, 2008 @ 9:50 am